


The Connect

by RisingSun



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fans & Fandom, Angst, Artists, Best Friends, Brotherly Bonding, Celebrity Crush, Coming Out, Dancing, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Family, Family Bonding, Female Friendship, Fluff, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Growing Up Together, Happy Ending, Idol Life, Inspired by Monbebe, Love, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Musicians, Romance, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Started as a Crack, Team as Family, Unrequited Crush, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2020-10-25 23:56:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 72,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20732834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RisingSun/pseuds/RisingSun
Summary: Monsta X have been a family doing their best to survive on South Korean music scene for five years. Building a career of a successful artist with fans all over the world wasn't easy, but seven talented young men learned to rely on their own skills, each other and Monbebe, creating strong bonds not to be easily broken.A project they're about to start is something no one has ever done before, a risky challenge that brings a wave of fresh excitement into Monsta X's lives. It's a new beginning and they know they're going to enjoy the ride, together with their Monbebe.Dedicated to Monbebe~





	1. Be my friend

**Author's Note:**

> Happy Monbebe day everyone!
> 
> I'm back with another story! This one is a huge scary project that started as a crack idea more than a year ago and then grew into something I tend to call "monster fic". 
> 
> When I started writing it the plan was not to start posting until I'm finished, simply because I didn't want to put pressure on myself when it comes to writing and updating it regularly. However, I decided to start posting it now, even though the story is far from finished and I just really hope I will manage to write as I go and still update regularly. If something doesn't go according to my plan, please just be patient with me!
> 
> This story is really special to me as it focuses on both Monsta X and Monbebe, on friendship, love and what being a family means. It might be my way of putting into words what being a part of this family means to me.
> 
> Special Thank You goes to:  
~ my beta reader, Natalie  
~ people who read bits and pieces of this story already, especially Anja, Milica, Cova and Trixie  
~ all the amazing people who are a part of my own Monbebe family and are my main inspiration for some characters in this story!
> 
> I really hope you will enjoy and love this big journey I'm creating for all of us and if you do please leave comments or find me on twitter - @RisingSunce , let's talk about it or about what being a Monbebe means to you! The hashtag for this story on twitter will be @TheConnectmxmbbAO3

Thick silence lingered in the air. Seven of them breathed in sync, in a way that became natural a long time ago. The calm rhythm of their inhales and exhales, only interrupted by the breeze coming from their open window, couldn’t mask the different emotions behind the unspoken thoughts.

“How is it supposed to work?”

It was expected that the ones most open to this kind of new concept – a concept that has never been done before – would be Minhyuk and Hoseok. The younger one seemed to be at ease as the question left his mouth, genuine curiosity the only thing coloring it. Minhyuk did a lot of things with ease and portraying his sentence as single-colored was one of them. However, there was absolutely no doubt that the boy never used anything other than rainbow paint.

Hyunwoo looked down at the papers laid out in front of him and then started passing them over to his members, trying his best to explain the basic idea the management laid out to him that very morning.

“Separate fan meetings. Or rather “private” ones, I suppose. We can call them what we like, but the main point is that each of us will hold fan meetings of our own,” he started, simultaneously thinking about all the information he needed to pass on to the rest of Monsta X.

“’Be my friend’” Jooheon chuckled, reading the outline of the project. “Clever.” 

“Everyone knows how close we are to Monbebe, so that’s why…?” Changkyun was voicing what everyone else was thinking. 

“It’s not a bad thing…” Hyunwoo started again, eyeing Kihyun from across the table. The main vocalist was unusually quiet, simply looking over the written project as he listened. “I mean, I understand it just looks like an excellent marketing strategy, but we are close to our fans and we’ve been pointing it out ever since we debuted. So it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?” The trace of uncertainty was subtle, but it was present. Enough to make both Hyungwon and Kihyun look up at him. 

“You suck at bluffing, you know that,” Kihyun scoffed. “You’re worried.”

“I’m awkward, you know that,” the leader sighed. “And yes, I’m worried that I won’t be able to pull it off. Not that it’s a bad idea in general. I’m sure Minhyuk or Hoseok or Jooheon will do a great job, for example. And the rest of you too, in your own little charming ways. I just don’t know how I will do it… but I will just have to plan a lot I guess?” It was weird to see Hyunwoo nervous. He had his moments, of course, but being a responsible leader meant learning how to control his own insecurities and provide support for the rest of the group. Meeting fans by himself was something he never had to do before. There were people feeling much more comfortable with the concept than himself, so it was fine to let go, let his members take over the lead for a change. The maknae instantly gave words of encouragement, but a small, encouraging nod from their main vocalist meant so much more and Hyunwoo relaxed again.

“Give us the details,” Kihyun moved on, going back to the cool, professional mode he used whenever they were talking about something work-related. He was organized and efficient and today was no different, looking at the papers in front of him and twirling the pen in his hand, ready to take notes.

“Alright, so, the main idea is to assemble a group of Monbebe who we will become friends with… I know it’s very vague and not really something we would’ve done with fans…”

“That’s exactly why no one does it. It’s risky,” Kihyun interrupted again.

“Exactly. That’s why there will be a set of rules… or well, guidelines, I suppose,” Hyunwoo agreed. “The company will have a certain type of contract prepared for the fans who take part in the project.”

“Contract? They’ll sign a contract with the fans?” Hoseok furrowed his eyebrows, looking at the leader.

“Yes. For protection. Of both sides,” Hyunwoo nodded again. “We can never be too cautious,” he paused, flipping through the papers, until he found what he was looking for. “Here…” he pointed at the fifth page of the outline. “This is an example of the contract they will offer to the fans. We can add more things if we want, we just need to inform the management of the possible changes or requirements. We have until tomorrow,” he looked over at his members. “Now, let me explain it better. Basically, the plan is to release the concept idea and application forms in two days. The requirement for the application is to be an official Monbebe. Each of us will personally pick six fans we want to be a part of the project – so that we all form a group of seven together with our fans, like a personal mirror to Monsta X. I’m sure you already have some fans in mind.”

“I have at least four people in mind, yes,” Minhyuk murmured to himself, Hoseok nodded along. Jooheon was smiling as he scribbled a couple of names on his copy of the project.

“I have one,” Changkyun announced, earning a chuckle from his fellow rapper.

“Eunbyul, right?” Jooheon asked and the maknae nodded.

“Yes, so we will get to decide who will attend the fan meetings once we get the applications. Next, the schedule. Each of us will hold at least one personal fan meeting per month. We have the freedom to organize them more often if we want and it is considered to be our solo activity. We will contact the management personally about the time, so they can provide a location. They’re giving us the third floor of the Starship building and we should also inform them of any additional things we need – in accordance to how we plan our meetings.”

“How do we plan them?” It was Hyungwon’s turn to speak up and Hyunwoo assumed the question had been bothering the model-like dancer since they started the meeting.

“We’re free to do whatever we want, I suppose. The point of the project is to bond with the fans, so anything from dancing, singing to talking about all sorts of things is allowed. It only depends on your own sense of familiarity with Monbebe. If you feel comfortable enough, you can even talk about personal things with them. They will sign a confidentiality agreement…” Hyunwoo pointed at the contract part of the documents in front of them again. “… before they’re allowed to come to the fan meeting and the company will be very strict about it. That’s also one of the reasons we’re given the freedom to choose the fans to attend ourselves. We know a lot of them from our regular fan meetings and there are some people we already trust. Also, the management will do additional background checks of the fans we choose before they contact them, just in case.”

“Okay, that sounds good,” the main vocalist nodded, scribbling something down in his notebook. “You said we have until tomorrow to inform the management of any additional requirements?”

“That’s right,” the leader smiled a bit. “Of course you would have some.”

“I’m just being thorough,” Kihyun smiled back.

“Let’s continue.” Hyunwoo looked back at the outline of the project, checking what else he needed to cover. The way he was presenting the project to his members wasn’t as organized as he planned in his mind, but, judging from lack of questions, so far it seemed like it was clear enough. “We will be alone with the fans during the fan meetings, as they are supposed to be our private time with them. If we don’t want to we don’t have to share what’s going on in the meetings with anyone, including each other. Fans will get special passes for attending them and they are allowed to go to meetings of different members, even though the company is keeping track of which fan got approved by which member. Their passes will also indicate it. For example, Eunbyul’s pass will probably have something like “Changkyun’s Monbebe” written on it. Or well, we will have separate fanclub names by then. That’s another thing I need to talk about,” he smiled and stood up, moving to the kitchen to get a glass of water. 

“We’re getting separate fanclub names?” Jooheon called out.

“Yes. We will have to think of it together with our fans,” Hyunwoo nodded, coming back and sitting down again, looking at the papers. “I’m pretty sure I covered most of the things I needed to tell you about… Ah yes, since we’re the ones who will be in charge of everything concerning these fan meetings we are free to do what we want with the rooms they will give to us. We can decorate them how we like, just give the list of things you need to the management, you know the drill… Also, the schedule will be fixed once per month, according to our regular schedule. During the promotions there will be no fan meetings other than our usual ones, for obvious reasons and, well, the fans will see us regularly during that time too. Meetings scheduled by the company will be organized by the company – the management will send out emails to the fans. Additional fan meetings scheduled by us will be organized by us and each of us will find a way suitable for them and their fans to do it.”

“You mean… we will contact the fans ourselves?” Changkyun widened his eyes, obviously surprised and mirroring the expression of the rest of the Monsta X family too.

“Yes. We are allowed to exchange contact information with them in whichever way we find suitable. Emails, phone calls, social networks, it depends on us. We can assign one fan to keep in touch with us and be a link between us and the rest of the group or we can equally converse with all of them. Personally, I find the second solution pretty impractical,” Hyunwoo chuckled, looking over at all the members and finding their shocked facial expressions amusing. “Sounds pretty huge now, right?”

“It sounded huge from the beginning, this is pretty insane,” Jooheon chuckled.

“Will it work out though?” The maknae sounded doubtful. It was worrisome, of course. They trusted their fans, but this was, indeed, too risky. There was a reason no one tried to do something like this before. 

“As long as we’re cautious it will.” It was unexpected of Kihyun to approve of something like this, but the main vocalist spoke in favor of the project, his words instantly having reassuring effect on the rest of the group.

“Okay, as I said, they will release the concept outline and the application forms in two days and keep them open for ten days. After that we will have five days to give the management back our lists of fans. In the next ten days the company will sign the contracts with them, so our first fan meetings should be scheduled in about a month or so? We have more than enough time to think carefully about this and plan everything we want,” Hyunwoo smiled at them again, gathering the papers as he obviously finished everything that he was supposed to tell them.

“Becoming friends with the fans… it will certainly be exciting,” Hoseok chuckled, standing up first, signalizing the meeting was officially over.

The following month passed in a rush of activities. The group was in between promotions, which meant preparing for the next album, but also having individual activities, as Kihyun was busy with another drama OST project, Hyunwoo and Hyungwon had a three week long recording of a dance show and Hoseok, Jooheon and Changkyun practically locked themselves in their studios, working on the album to come. “Be My Friend” project wasn’t something they talked about a lot, but the feeling of quiet excitement and anxiousness made the atmosphere at home a bit more lively. 

The first wave of realization that they were actually doing the project washed over the group two weeks after Hyunwoo’s explanation, as they were assembled in one of the company offices and given seven piles of application forms. Starship management was thorough – almost as thorough as Kihyun himself, as each of the forms held as much information about the fan that turned it in as they could’ve possibly needed and more. Everything from basic information, information about family, school and work to hobbies and interests was covered. It was a lot to take in – a look into the personal life of Monbebe Monsta X never thought would have the honor to get. It also gave them the feeling of being entrusted with something particularly precious and, at the same time, the feeling of having a duty to protect it.

Choosing the fans was, therefore, that much harder than they thought it would be. Most of the members had barely even thought about it until they were faced with a pile of papers and the whole situation just started to sink in. Hours passed and they just became more aware of what they were getting themselves and some of their fans into. 

“Choosing future friends… how does one do that?” Changkyun spoke after four hours of staring at the application forms, not getting a lot of work done, despite trying his best. Eunbyul’s application form was placed to his right side, along with one other, but four more still needed to be picked and the maknae felt like he was stuck and would stay in that spot for eternity. Or at least the following night.

“Don’t be too picky,” Hyungwon smiled, looking up from the application he had been reading.

“No, that’s exactly it! Be picky,” Kihyun jumped in, surrounded by three separate piles – clearly knowing what, or rather who, he wanted in his company.

“You guys are not helping,” Changkyun sighed, leaning back in his seat and closing his eyes for a moment, trying to think of a different strategy.

“How about a round of coffee… or tea?” Jooheon proposed, getting up slowly and earning a couple of grunts of approval. “Changkyun-ah, come with me?”

The youngest stood up to follow his fellow rapper as they went out to get everyone drinks.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself… just choose whoever seems nice and interesting, someone you can picture having fun with at the fan meetings,” Jooheon offered, looking at him with a warm smile.

“But… they all deserve it,” Changkyun replied as they entered a nearby coffee shop. “I feel like I’m choosing fans over other fans – something that I shouldn’t do.”

“You are – we are doing that,” the taller rapper chuckled. “But you said it earlier – choosing friends. Maybe stop looking at them as fans, that is kind of the point of this project, after all.” He turned to the barista to order for a moment, before looking back at Changkyun, finding the boy deep in thought. “Hey… you know our fans kind of hang out together… do you maybe want me to help you with choosing? Maybe it will work?”

“Could you… please?” the maknae looked hopeful all of a sudden and Jooheon laughed again.

“Sure, but you have to help me too,” he was greeted with an enthusiastically nodding baby wolf. Changkyun looked much cuter than he usually was, reminding Jooheon that he, indeed, was the maknae of their little family. Picking up the drinks and slowly going back to the office, the youngest quietly spoke again.

“You know… I’d choose you.” It brought another smile to Jooheon’s face.

“Changkyun is right. This is impossible to do,” Hoseok’s exasperated words greeted them as their hyung buried his face in his palms, resting the weight of his upper body on the application form he was currently reading. Jooheon silently put his tea beside him and simply continued distributing drinks along with the maknae.

“Nothing is impossible. You’re being a drama queen without a reason,” Hyungwon rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his coffee as soon as Changkyun put it in front of him. Hoseok glared at him from behind his fingers.

“How did you do it?” he asked, deciding not to comment on the drama queen title and instead looked at the small neat pile on Hyungwon’s right side.

“I picked the ones who like to sleep,” his tall best friend replied, shrugging, a small, amused smirk dancing on his lips.

“You’re not serious?” Kihyun looked over at him suddenly, narrowing his eyes at, what he considered to be immature behavior.

“Nap time is very important. People who appreciate sleep take care of themselves well – therefore appreciate both themselves and people around them. They’re probably considerate, loving, sweet… like me,” the model-like vocalist shamelessly grinned. “What’s your criteria? Cleanliness and endless nagging?”

“Guys…” Hyunwoo warned, exchanging looks with Hoseok and Minhyuk and then focusing on Kihyun, glad that the short vocalist chose to stop himself from saying something he would have regretted.

“You’re unbelievable…” he huffed instead, shaking his head disapprovingly and turned back to his papers, deciding to just mind his own business.

The silence filled the room again after that, everyone doing their best to finish up their selections the best they could. The youngest members huddled together, making the work more pleasant now that both of them considered which fans they might interact the best with. Kihyun worked like a well-oiled machine, taking a bunch of factors into consideration and making precise and definite decisions in the best way he could. Hyunwoo decided having a good ratio of female and male fans would probably work the best for him and, strangely enough both Hoseok and Minhyuk did the same, without even consulting each other. Hyungwon’s choice of fans went well beyond simple sleepyheads. But that was for him to know and for others to… not find out. He had his reasons and he had his fans and, as precious as they all were, he believed that the people he chose were the people he needed. And he wasn’t wrong. None of them were.

Another two weeks passed and the news of the first scheduled fan meeting reached the Monsta X family. 

Monday, 3 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 33, Minhyuk 

“So, it’s… random order?” Kihyun asked, looking up from his phone at Hyunwoo when the leader announced it.

“It’s not exactly random, the management thought Minhyuk would ease into it more comfortably than most of us, so that’s why?” Hyunwoo answered. “He apparently didn’t ask for any special requirements either. Nothing out of the ordinary. So they assumed he’ll just do a lot of talking.” 

“When does he not?” Hyungwon laughed as he entered the living room and took another sip of his freshly made coffee.

“That doesn’t offend me,” Minhyuk playfully threw back at the tall dancer.

“Because it’s the truth,” the model-like vocalist winked, comfortably snuggling into Hoseok’s side, seemingly ready to doze off.

“Well, I hope you’ll have a lot of fun, hyung,” Changkyun smiled.

“Be careful,” Kihyun felt the need to say.

“I will have a lot of fun, thank you Changkyun-ah,” Minhyuk pointedly replied, ignoring the main vocalist and exiting the room.

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” the short mom-of-the-group commented quietly, sighed and looked back at his phone.


	2. Warmth of the afternoon sun

Arranging the last couple of pillows, Minhyuk stood up and looked around the room once again, pretty satisfied with his work. He didn’t do much decorating, as he figured having his fans input in their shared space would be much more meaningful and also a good way to bond further. So far, he did what he considered the basics in making the room feel cozy, at least according to his own standards. He had a feeling his Monbebe would like it too.

The sunshine of Monsta X cared a lot more than he let on. Sure, most people would’ve said that he was all talk, never shutting up and therefore being marked as the moodmaker of the group. However, there was a lot more contemplation and careful planning behind the playful façade. Minhyuk was warm like the sun and it was extremely important to him to make the people he loved and the people that loved him back comfortable and warm too.

He was early today. It was one of those important things. Be prepared, be thorough even if you’re relaxed and playful in the end. Be it all, in order to be comfortable and make others comfortable. That was who Minhyuk was after all and all the people who needed to recognize it knew it. 

The room assigned to him was big and – most importantly – had big windows. Sun rays hitting the floor full force, filling the room with brightness and more warmth was what made Minhyuk like it even more. He assumed the rest of the rooms on this floor – the rooms that were assigned to the rest of his group – were equally spacious and warm, but he also assumed he was the one to appreciate it the most. The time scheduled suited him as well. Like the afternoon sun, Minhyuk was a soft, cozy sun behind the bright sun of noon, but still much warmer than expected. The sun would be setting in a couple of hours too, by the time his first fan meeting was over. Would he be able to live up to the expectations of his Monbebe before it was time for him to embrace the moon? 

The worry that each of the members wordlessly carried was there, but Minhyuk never let any of his worries overpower him or be stronger than his will to just do it. It will be fine, those are his people, people that want to spend time with him and people he personally chose. Familiar faces, but not yet friends. 

“Well, we will work hard to change that… it will be fine,” he quietly said to himself, rearranging the glasses and cups beside the window, ready to be filled with refreshments and then moving on to do the same with the food. Kimbap, mandu and rolled egg omelette, accompanied with some cool beverages and afternoon sun sounded like a perfect combination for an improvised picnic on the floor. Minhyuk chuckled a bit to himself, feeling silly for coming up with this idea, but at the same time feeling like it was a perfect thing to do, coming from him.

Glancing at the clock he moved closer to the big table on one side of the room, closer to the door, the kind of table they would’ve used if they were having a regular fan meeting. It was a formal setting that never allowed him to feel close enough to the fans. From the moment Hyunwoo told them they were allowed to do whatever they want he knew for sure that table won’t be in use, or at least not in a way it usually was. There were colorful papers and markers on it, along with various tapes and other types of decorations, representing the tools of freedom he would like to give to his Monbebe.

Now, he simply stood beside it, looking at the door, waiting for 3 o’clock to arrive and bring him his fans. Nervous and full of expectations, but still smiling and oozing the warmth of the afternoon sun.

“… and I had to run after the bus… I mean, that photocard was worth it, I just didn’t think I’ll lose my way and almost be late…” a bright looking girl babbled as she walked into the room with her friend, abruptly stopping as both of them saw him standing there.

“Hi…” Minhyuk smiled brightly at both of them, and then at some other people trying to squeeze in behind the two of them. “Come in, welcome…” he motioned for them to step further inside.

“You-you’re here already,” the second girl he recognized as Kwon Nari from her application and previous fan meetings spoke shyly as she blindly reached for her friend’s hand, grasping it tightly. Minhyuk smiled at the action.

“Yes, I am, Nari-ssi. I wouldn’t be late for my first personal fan meeting.”

“You remember my name?” Nari’s eyes reached an almost comical size in comparison to her small, beautiful face and tugged her friend’s hand closer, as if trying to hide.

“I know all your names…” Minhyuk leaned against the table. “Please come in, all of you…” He watched the group move in slowly. “I did personally choose all of you for this… project, so knowing your names is basic, let’s say… now, I feel like I already started rambling, so please just… make yourself comfortable,” he chuckled, then squinted at them. “Aren’t you happy you’re here? Why are you so shy?”

“We’re not shy…” Nari’s friend, Gayoung apparently regained her confidence. “We just… how does this work?”

“Well, first of all, take a seat Gayoung-ah… I can call you Gayoung-ah, right?” He watched the girl nod, before smiling again. “All of you, take a seat… I tried to make it cozy,” he motioned to the pillows scattered on the floor. “Oh just… the one in the middle is mine, keep it for me, please,” he added, trying to look at every one of his fans as they passed by him. “If you’re thirsty we have some stuff over there… and some food, this is supposed to be an indoor picnic,” he motioned towards the table next to the window.

“An indoor picnic?” one of the boys chuckled lightly. “That’s so… you.”

“Why thank you, I was looking forward to you noticing… Jaejin-ah… I will just go with informal speech with all of you, alright? I feel more comfortable like that.” He felt like he should stop rambling already, but for some reason this was even more nerve wracking than he thought would be. 

“Are you nervous?” another boy squinted at him and if Minhyuk was more like himself he would’ve noticed the remarkable resemblance to himself in that simple facial expression.

“Yes, I am,” he smiled. “Am I not allowed to be?” he challenged, walking over to his Monbebe and taking a seat. He let himself be surrounded by them, which was both thrilling and weirdly stupid, considering he turned his back on two of them. “Okay, I didn’t think this through properly… wait, let me move.” Girls behind him chuckled, moving to make space for him.

“That’s so… human-like,” one of them said.

“Am I not human?” Minhyuk teased, looking at her and then chuckled. “Sorry, it’s a way to relax myself… I just… I know what to do as much as you do. I’m the first one to hold a fan meeting, kind of breaking the ice I guess. They apparently thought it would be the smartest course of action since I talk without stopping and I seem to be the most comfortable with this whole project. But I’m just as nervous as the rest of them… Alright, that’s enough Minhyuk,” he laughed and looked around at them. “You guys are pretty.”

“They say the fans resemble their idols,” one of the boys offered.

“And they’re absolutely right…” he raised an eyebrow. “Or are you flirting with me?” The shocked expression of the boy made him chuckle. “Relax, I like to joke… But I still think you guys are as bright as sunshine… even though they call me that,” he offered another warm smile. “The truth is I didn’t plan much… just to meet and talk and have some food… we do have one task though. You need to help me come up with the name of our fanclub.”

“We will have a separate name?” Nari asked, obviously more relaxed than when she and Gayoung first entered the room.

“Yeah, everyone will get a pretty fanclub name of their own… you need to have a better name than just… Minhyuk’s Monbebe. Oh and the cards that you got to get into the building are just temporary. Once we have a suitable name we will make you new cards with it… probably a cooler design too.” Minhyuk nodded, getting up to get himself a cup of tea. “Anyone? Feel free to move around and get whatever you want… want me to bring kimbap over there?” he offered, smiling as he noticed people relaxing more, some of them starting to quietly chat among themselves.

Bringing the food with him he approached them again and passed the tray over before sitting back down and looking around, finally focusing on Gayoung.

“What photocard almost got you late?” he smiled, waiting for her to show it to him, then laughed. “That’s just me though.”

“I was missing that one,” she frowned, waiting for him to give it back. “And I got this one too,” she gave him another one that had Shownu’s picture.

“You get to hang out with me and I could get you that one as well… signed too!” Minhyuk chuckled.

“You can do that?” she laughed too.

“Who am I?” he raised his eyebrows.

“Yeah, but… the company allows that?” 

“You signed the contract, didn’t you?” he looked around at all of them. “That kind of makes you more than fans… and this is just for a signature.” A couple of fans still looked at him doubtfully. “Fine, I’ll call hyung.” He grabbed his phone and dialed the number. “Hyunwoo hyung, can you come over? … Yes, to my fan meeting… It’s not forbidden if I allow it, right? … Great… yeah…” grinning back at Gayoung he hung up. “Your photo card will be signed before we end our meeting today.”

“I love you,” she laughed in reply.

“I know, you put it on your application form,” Minhyuk was still grinning, feeling more like himself. “Alright guys, let’s see you ramble instead of me… tell me all that I need and that I don’t need to know, but you still want to share,” he laughed, leaning back against the wall and waiting for the happy chatter of his precious fans to hit him.

Kihyun was the only one to greet him and Hyunwoo in the dorm three hours later.

“Sunshine is bursting out of your ass,” he commented, clear amusement in his voice as he immediately started bringing out the food he prepared for them, waiting for both of them to leave their things, wash their hands and settle at the table.

“Aren’t you curious?” Minhyuk replied. “Ah, kimchi chigae! Thanks Kiki.”

“Don’t call me that… and don’t avoid the topic. Yes, I’m curious,” Kihyun laughed, starting to eat too, but looking over at his best friend.

“He doesn’t need to tell you, you know…” Hyunwoo jumped in.

“Oh, but he’s itching to,” Kihyun smirked.

“Don’t be so stiff hyung, it’s really okay…” Minhyuk sighed, then turned to Kihyun. “He didn’t want to come pick me up and do a favor to my loyal fan because “it’s not allowed”. It’s allowed if I’m the one asking, right?”

“Doing fans favors already?” the main vocalist shook his head. “Talking about whipped.”

“I’ll see you, Yoo Kihyun. I’ll be watching,” Minhyuk smirked.

“Sure, feel free to try,” Kihyun laughed again, missing the soft smile gracing Hyunwoo’s face at their interaction.

“Anyway, it was great,” the Monsta X sunshine smiled, eating more. “I realized why I’m one seventh of a group, though. I was nervous.”

“Really?” Kihyun tilted his head in question, both him and the leader turning to look at him. “You usually don’t show it…”

“Well, I did. They even openly asked me about it,” Minhyuk laughed. “We’re all doomed. But it’s a good feeling. It’s a really really good feeling,” he added and both Kihyun and Hyunwoo let the comfortable silence cover them.

“I can’t wait,” Kihyun smiled.

“I can’t relate,” Hyunwoo replied and they all laughed. “What’s their name?”

“Sunshiners,” he proudly answered and Kihyun smiled at the way his whole face lit up – not as bright as it usually would, but filled with warmth – the warmth of the afternoon sun. The warmth of Minhyuk.

“I can’t believe you’re all talking about this without me!” Jooheon cried out from the entrance.

“First of all, there’s only three of us and second – who told you to come in late? Where’s Changkyun?” Kihyun turned to him. 

“I’m not his babysitter, you know,” the rapper grumbled, already on his way to the bathroom.

“But he is your baby,” Minhyuk snickered, exchanging looks with Hyunwoo and Kihyun. “Ah there you are,” he smiled at Changkyun, Hoseok and Hyungwon joining them too.

“How did it go?” Hoseok asked immediately, watching as Changkyun moved to help Kihyun add more plates to the table. “Wash your hands Kyun-ah...”

“That’s my line!” Kihyun called out and Minhyuk laughed, wondering if the never ending warmth he was feeling tonight would follow him in the days to come as well.

“Can you believe…” the main vocalist appeared at the kitchen door to look at Hyungwon and Hoseok as he talked. “… that he called his fans Sunshiners?”

“It’s a cool name,” Hoseok smiled.

“It suits them,” Hyungwon nodded as well.

“I give up…” Kihyun sighed.

“They called themselves that,” Minhyuk grinned.

“And he’s laying eggs… the world is coming to an end!” the short vocalist wailed before chuckling to himself.

“As long as we have an army of angry Kihyuns around to keep it balanced!” the model-like dancer smirked. “Drama queen…”

“Tell us more!” Changkyun suddenly slid into the seat next to Minhyuk, looking at him curiously. “You do shine a bit brighter after the meeting,” he laughed.

“I’ve been told,” Minhyuk smiled. “They’re awesome really. I was super nervous and you know how I ramble like there’s no tomorrow when I’m extremely nervous… yeah, I did that,” he added. “But I relaxed as we started talking. Gayoung was almost late for the fan meeting because she was getting my and Hyunwoo hyung’s photocards and I got hyung to sign his for her... Nari was cute, flustered almost as much as me in the beginning, but still very cute. Jaejin is cool, I told him to bring his designs some time, I would really like to see them. And Sangwook’s makeup is better than mine was during Beautiful era…”

“Hyung, you’re rambling,” Jooheon chuckled, taking a seat on Minhyuk’s other side.

“I know, I just… it went really good and I had so much fun. I think we all did,” he concluded, smiling still.

“Eat, the food has gotten cold,” Kihyun sat back down and looked at his best friend again, giving him a warm smile. “I’m glad, Minhyuk-ah. I haven’t seen you this happy in the last month. At least.”

“Yeah… I guess they really are our energizers,” he turned to Hyunwoo. “It was a good idea, hyung. We’ll be fine, we’ll do it. We’re doing our best, always, right?”

“Is it enough though?” genuine curiosity appeared on Hyunwoo’s face.

“To the people that love us… to them it always is. They’re more than fans now. And they know that we’re only human.”


	3. Only human

A soft knock on the door painted a knowing smile on Kihyun’s face. 

“Come in,” he called out, putting his phone away and looking over at his eldest hyung. “I’ve been waiting for you,” he added, chuckling a bit and causing Hyunwoo to smile too, sitting down next to him and making himself comfortable.

“We really do know each other well…” the dancer said, shaking his head a bit, before looking up at him and somehow managing to look much smaller.

“It’s going to be okay,” Kihyun said after a long moment, words soft, but firm and Hyunwoo replied with a small nod, waiting for Kihyun to move closer and give him a hug. In moments like this the main vocalist was a giant, a shield, he had strength and the power to make Hyunwoo feel the spoken truth in every single cell of his being – even just for a moment. Closing his eyes he relaxed, letting a tiny sigh pass his lips before he breathed in again.

“I know.”

Saturday, 9 am, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 31, Shownu 

It was 6 am.

“What are you doing?” Kihyun squinted at Hyunwoo, barely awake even though he was always the one awake first. This time Hyunwoo really outdid himself. “The sun is not awake yet…” he looked out of the window for confirmation. “… and you’re fully dressed and at the door. What kind of parallel universe is this?”

“My fan meeting is today?” the leader offered.

“At 9 am, not at the break of dawn.”

“I just… have to go.”

Kihyun watched him for a long moment, almost to the point of making him uncomfortable, or well, more uncomfortable than he already was. Finally, the main vocalist nodded.

“Fine. Go,” he offered a small smile. “Good luck.”

“Thanks… see you later!” the leader called out as Kihyun moved into the kitchen.

“Have you…” the sound of the door closing interrupted the main vocalist and he let out a disapproving sigh. “… eaten?”

He barely slept. Food was the least of his concerns as the clock ticked off his growing nervousness. It was a very well known fact that he was awkward, usually letting his members shine in front of him, giving a sense of comfort and reassurance to him in return. He always felt like he could do anything as long as he had at least one of his members with him. Even when filming shows without them it was different. He was technically on his own there, but still not completely alone, people around him were always helping out – even if they didn’t really do anything in particular. There was never a moment for him to be completely alone and especially not facing Monbebe. The fans were family, sure, but they were also the people he was afraid to disappoint the most. Even though he didn’t have a problem with his confidence it was hard to overcome the awkwardness that seemed to be always present, intertwined with his image and there seemed to be nothing he could’ve told himself to stop worrying about it.

The room that was assigned to him was relatively big and knowing all the rooms on the floor – the rooms that belonged to Monsta X members at least once per month from now on – were similar didn’t help one bit. As he sat down behind the large table he felt like empty space was swallowing him up, making the reality of him doing this alone that much more obvious. Sighing, his gaze landed on the big piece of wood in front of him and his mind weirdly drifted off into thoughts of them being one strange entity, detached from the rest of the room and the rest of the world.

“That is so weird Hyunwoo. You’re about to meet your fans, stop panicking…” he whispered to himself, something he usually didn’t do – partly because he was rarely alone and partly because it wasn’t really like him to voice his concerns. But he was alone, it was allowed. He was alone.

The words echoed in his head, unnecessarily loud and clear as he grabbed the bottle of water to soothe his dry throat and attempt to calm down. The water was cold and appeared to be sweet, bringing a sense of peace and reminding him of Kihyun. He smiled as the thought appeared in his head, it was a reaction he usually wasn’t even aware of – his usual reaction whenever any of his members sneaked into his thoughts. A smile and a sense of pride.

Peace, however, was strongly connected to the main vocalist of Monsta X as he was steady reassurance, there for Hyunwoo to hold onto whenever his knees felt weak. He was supposed to support his own weight along with the weight of six other people and, unlike all the other activities he had to do in his life, he had to do it without a break. Others would’ve said he was pushing himself too hard, that there was no need to do it as they could all stand alone and together at the same time, supporting each other the way they always did. But the responsibility that clung onto Hyunwoo’s shoulders was something he couldn’t help but integrate into himself and now, after years of being Monsta X leader, he couldn’t recognize the line which connected it to himself. There was no way to separate from it anymore.

Kihyun was the only one who could do it. He would calmly storm over – because being a calm storm, the one that raged beneath the soft surface was Kihyun’s way, take out his little, but deadly knives and steadily begin the procedure of removing Hyunwoo’s heavy responsibilities, doing his best to replace them with the feeling of lightness, carelessness even and finally, a feeling of clarity. Hyunwoo sometimes felt like a child with Kihyun, but that wasn’t Kihyun’s fault. He was a child in the best sense of the word, a child without worries, without pretence, one with a wild imagination that could make anything possible. A child safely guided by Kihyun’s hand, by his strong aura that made him feel secure, enabling him to think rationally despite giving him the freedom of dreaming.

Hyunwoo was sure his path as Monsta X leader would’ve been a lot different and more turbulent if their little family was short of the nagging hamster-wannabe-shark with a voice of an angel. Kihyun was both hamster and a shark, like he was both calm and volcanic. In rare occasions when the leader came in contact with the lava it was never hot enough to burn and that was the reason for another smile, one that could rival it in warmth.

Going to Kihyun before the big day was almost like a logical ritual they performed without question as it was the only act that might be effective in the end. It was supposed to help and Hyunwoo was sure that it did, even though it was obvious it wasn’t enough. This time not even Kihyun could bring some sense into his mind and the anxiousness remained as he came to the bitter conclusion that there was nothing to be done but wait and go with the flow. 

Going with the flow wasn’t reassuring at all. Hyunwoo liked to be prepared. He wasn’t obsessive about it, but at least a bit of preparation served well to calm him down. Coming to the fan meeting location more than two hours before it was scheduled was supposed to help too, yet it didn’t.

“You know these people Hyunwoo. And they like you,” he sighed, standing up and slowly starting to rearrange the snacks, trying to busy himself with something even though he already did the same thing less than half an hour ago. The clock was slowly ticking and even though he couldn’t hear it he felt it in the steady beats of his own heart, which caused him to let out another sigh and simply give up.

“This is ridiculous,” he chuckled, glancing at the clock finally before he leaned against the table and took his phone out, going through the group messages he basically knew by heart as that was what he did for the large part of the previous night too. Looking at light conversation between his members was another way to calm himself down and it would’ve been as distracting as it was up until two hours ago if it wasn’t for new messages from Minhyuk and Hoseok, both hyping up his fan meeting and wishing him good luck. He groaned and closed the chat as soon as he thanked them, choosing to read some news instead.

As he was halfway through an article about a new boy group from JYP debuting, some of the boys vaguely familiar from his GOT7 friends’ stories, the door opened, catching him off guard.

“Ah… Hyunwoo hyung…” a familiar face stretched into a timid smile as the tall, handsome guy quickly bowed and closed the door behind him, then looked around. “Am I first?”

“As you can see…” Hyunwoo offered a smile too, putting his phone away and pushing himself away from the table he was leaning on, standing properly and offering his hand for a handshake. “How have you been, Hajoon-ah?”

The boy quickly approached him and shook his hand, looking more awkward than Hyunwoo, who almost sighed in relief. Hajoon coming first was good, it was comfortable. He had known the boy for almost the entirety of his Monsta X career, as the younger started coming to their performances and fan meetings after their second mini album was released. Hajoon was a skinny sixteen year old boy back then, a walking stereotype of a geeky teenager with thick black-rimmed prescription glasses and braces. Five years had passed since then and the boy finished high school, got into one of the best universities in Seoul and became insanely handsome. Braces disappeared first, glasses followed and Hajoon grew taller than his idols he stayed loyal to. He looked like a model – more muscular than Hyungwon for sure, but still not as buff as Hoseok or Hyunwoo. If he hadn’t still been so awkward, he would’ve easily towered over the leader of Monsta X. 

“I’ve been fine, hyung. How’s everyone?” Hajoon relaxed slowly, apparently glad for being the first to arrive as well. After five years of knowing each other Hyunwoo knew they were rather similar when it came to interactions with other people. One person at a time always worked better than a crowd.

“Pretty excited about this project to be honest,” he replied honestly, chuckling a bit. “I’m the most scared one… How come you’re here so early?”

“I…” Hajoon scratched the back of his head sheepishly. “I didn’t go to bed. The semester is almost over, so I’m studying a lot…”

“You should’ve slept instead of coming,” Hyunwoo frowned, moving to get some food and offering pastries he picked up on his way to the Starship building. “Eat at least. Want some coffee? Or is it a dangerous question?”

“I wanted to come. It’s the first fan meeting too, I couldn’t miss it!” the younger one almost whined, but accepted the tasty looking waffle before laughing. “Yeah, it is, I drank far more than I should have… tea would be nice though?”

“Sounds like you’re living the life of an idol,” moving to make the boy some tea, Hyunwoo chuckled. “On the other hand you always studied hard.” Apart from his colleagues, Hajoon was one of the most hard-working people Hyunwoo had a chance to meet, successfully balancing his studies, part-time jobs and managing to stay a loyal fan on top of it. The handsome main dancer of Monsta X was pretty sure that since the boy had become their fan, no promotion of their passed without him visiting them at least once. 

“It’s a hard life,” Hajoon agreed, laughing beautifully and accepting his tea with that well-known timid bow of his. 

“It shouldn’t be just work, Hajoon-ah.” Hyunwoo thought he could use his own advice, but in the industry he was in it was rarely possible. The younger guy gave him a look as if reading his mind and he chuckled. “Tell me you get to have some fun… with looks and a brain like that I’m pretty sure you’re pretty popular too.”

“Hyung… you know me.” It was amusing how easy it was to make one of Hyunwoo’s greatest fans flustered. “I may be doing well in school, but my social life is a different story. I’m that weird geeky kid that keeps to himself most of the time.”

Hyunwoo nodded in understanding, slowly blowing at his cup of coffee before looking up at Hajoon again.

“Should we work on your social skills then?” he chuckled and then looked at the door as it opened again. “Ah, it’s time…” Hajoon looked at the people entering the room as well, smiling a bit as he recognized all of them.

Straightening himself, Hyunwoo watched the group of his fans move into the room, greeting him along the way, but obviously not very sure what they were supposed to do. He simply motioned for them to take their seats as he continued to smile warmly, suddenly feeling like he was in a small, but still awkward classroom. His own classroom where he was supposed to be the teacher and talk, despite that not being the situation at all.

“Well… first of all, thanks for coming to our first fan meeting,” he started once everyone sat down and then slowly leaned back against the big table behind him, trying to look more relaxed than he really was. “Especially this early in the morning. If anyone wants tea or coffee we have them… and snacks.” Two girls nearest to him offered a warm smile. “I… am nervous.”

“We know,” one of the fans responded. “We expected you to be.” Hyunwoo chuckled at that. Of course, that wasn’t surprising at all. “You… recognize us from fan meetings though, right?” The leader of Monsta X nodded as he understood his Monbebe were trying to ease him into this. “That’s a good start then… We had a feeling you would, but we weren’t sure and we also assumed you had a list with our names somewhere, but that’s boring…” the girl bit her lip, looking nervous herself for having been chosen to be the one to talk.

“I’m not the only nervous one? It’s alright, Seulgi, it seems like you put a lot of thinking into this?” he kept the smile on his face, feeling touched by the way all of the people in front of him filled the big room with warmth so effortlessly.

“We did. We tried,” she nodded quickly and then glanced towards the table with snacks. “We knew you would prepare some food, but we did something of our own.” Hyunwoo looked at Hyojin, the girl sitting next to Seulgi and reaching into her bag to take out something, the rest of the group following her. He looked further back at Hajoon in confusion, but the guy only smiled at him, pulling something out of his bag as well. Moving closer he looked at all the lunch boxes his fans presented him with, with their names and a couple of fun facts written on the stickers covering the lids. Hyunwoo chuckled again, looking over them in amazement before sitting down too.

“I… can’t eat all of this,” he simply replied, unsure of what he’s supposed to do.

“We’ll eat them together, of course. All of us,” Hyojin replied. “Come on…” she motioned for all of them to open their lunch boxes before she looked back at him. “You should eat well, oppa,” she smiled brightly before continuing. “And there’s nothing to worry about with us. We can all be awkward or embarrassing or just plain silly. But we’re family.”

Despite being in the middle of busy preparations for comeback the whole group managed to get a short break that day and Hyunwoo was grateful. He was eager to share his impressions of his first fan meeting, knowing he wouldn’t be able to wait for all of them to gather. The dorm was full, the members lazily scattered around it.

“Showcubs!” he exclaimed as he closed the door, grinning at Kihyun as soon as the guy’s head popped out of the kitchen, one eyebrow raised in question.

“What did you call us?” the main vocalist asked, trying to stress the lack of amusement with his tone, despite obviously being eager to hear how Hyunwoo’s fan meeting went.

“My fanclub name… although I know you’re a Showcub too,” the leader replied, walking into the kitchen and pouring himself coffee before sitting next to Minhyuk as the rest of the group joined them. “They pointed out we’re a family, so it just clicked.”

“That’s cute, hyung,” Jooheon smiled. “Did you feed them?”

“They fed me,” he laughed. “They actually prepared lunch boxes for everyone, we ate together.” As he looked at Hoseok and Changkyun he could tell they were touched as much as he was. “I don’t know why I was so worried… they know me, they knew I would be and they had this thorough plan to make me relax. It obviously worked,” he laughed again.

“We told you it’s going to be okay,” Minhuk shook his head, drinking his tea.

“Ah, Hyungwon-ah, I told you Minwoo is back.” The tall dancer perked up at his words, nodding quickly.

“Yes, you mentioned he sent in the application.”

“Wait, isn’t Minwoo that fan we last saw like… three years ago?” Minhyuk looked at the leader as well. “The one that is a professional dancer?”

“Ah yeah, that’s the one! He always talked to Hyunwoo the most,” Hoseok nodded, lips subconsciously pulling into a small pout.

“Were you jealous?” Hyungwon smirked at the older dancer’s reaction, wiggling his eyebrows at him comically.

“I might have been. The guy was handsome. He danced really well too – we did a dance battle once and he won!”

“Of course he did, hyung, he’s been practicing ballet since he was a little kid. And he experimented with more styles than the three of us combined,” Hyungwon’s smirk was still in place, watching him. “Now, are you jealous or do you have a crush?”

“Hm… a little bit of both?” the composer offered, looking back at him.

“That’s the right answer,” his best friend laughed, focusing his attention back on their leader and failing to notice Hoseok’s gaze soften. “So, he’s back?”

“Yeah,” Hyunwoo nodded as the attention was back on him. “The others were happy to see him back too, so we talked a bit. He was abroad, trying out different styles, going to workshops and switching studios.”

“Ah, imagine that – traveling, learning, performing…” Hoseok almost sighed, dreamy look reflecting in his eyes.

“You are aware that’s exactly what we’re doing too?” Hyungwon deadpanned, eyeing him again, secretly satisfied with Kihyun’s snicker coming from his right side.

“Why are you so mean to me today?” the shorter dancer pouted on purpose this time.

“It’s my purpose. And you make it so easy,” the smirk was back, accompanied by a poke of Hoseok’s biceps before Hyungwon naturally slid his hand over it and turned back to listen to Hyunwoo’s story.

“Anyway, he’s back now and he said he joined a modern ballet theatre troupe. He’s focusing on both modern ballet and hip hop now. He showed us one of the dances he recently choreographed… you have to see him, he’s so good!” the main dancer of Monsta X talked eagerly, smiling at how he grabbed the attention of both Hyungwon and Hoseok.

“You sound like you’re fanboying over your fanboy,” Kihyun commented quietly from his spot beside the sink as him, Jooheon and Changkyun moved a while ago to make something to eat.

“Ah… is it weird?” Hyunwoo chuckled. “I just… I guess I’d like to dance with him some time. It would be fun.”

“We really should, hyung,” Hyungwon nodded as well. “I’m curious to see how much progress Minwoo had made since we’ve last seen him and he can kick Hoseok hyung’s butt again,” he grinned, pinching the other dancer’s arm subtly. 

“I’m gonna kick your bony butt instead, Chae Hyungwon.”

“That’s naughty, hyung,” the tall dancer stood up, shuffling over to Kihyun and trying to sniff at the food, his stomach already gently growling in anticipation. “There’s nothing wrong about fanboying over your own fanboy, Ki,” he added nonchalantly. 

“It’s like Minhyuk said the other day. We’re all only human, after all.”


	4. Beyond the wall

Wednesday, 6 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 36, Joohoney

Wednesday, 6 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 37, I.M

“So, what’s our name?” Jooheon looked at the two girls on his right that he had chosen to be the link between him and the rest of the group.

“HoneyBees,” one of them replied softly.

“You have to be more enthusiastic than that, Hana-ssi,” the smiling rapper teased her and looked over at her best friend.

“HoneyBees!” the other girl exclaimed in reply. “And we need to make a deal, Honey oppa,” she added seriously. “Stop using formal speech with us. If we understood correctly we’re all friends here.”

“Fine, Bomi-yah,” he replied, amused by the energetic girl. “I can’t believe you just called me Honey oppa, but you are right, we’re a special circle of friends.”

“You are our Honey oppa, get used to it,” she shamelessly remarked and Jooheon continued to watch her, fascinated by how open she was with him. Many would consider her to be rude, but her behavior was exactly what made him want to be close to her and it seemed like all his other chosen fans loved her for it as much as he did. She was basically a definition of a true friend – the one ready to share their honest opinion with you, love you unconditionally, stand up for you, but at the same time be reasonable and knock some sense into you if needed.

“Also, stop teasing Hana, she gets flustered easily,” at that she was playfully hit by the friend she tried to stand up for. “What? Stop blushing if I’m not right.” Jooheon laughed at that.

“You’re so protective. I like that,” he smiled, showing his famous dimples and then watched in slight amazement how his tomboyish fan smiled right back at him – all with dimples too. “I see I chose well.”

“You did,” Bomi agreed, glancing back down at the papers in her hands, ignoring her fellow HoneyBees laughing at her openness. “We’ll take care of everything. Hana is very organized and we’ll easily connect with everyone,” she took one of the blank papers in her lap and handed it over to the boy sitting in front of her. “Pass it over, write down your contact information so we can all connect on twitter, if that’s alright with you?” she looked around the group and smiled when no one objected. “Great! Well, I guess that’s settled then?” she looked back at Jooheon, who watched her, still amused.

“You’re really good at this,” he chuckled. “What’s my end of the deal?”

“Do you want something from us, oppa?” Hana asked instead of her friend, looking up at him as well, ready to write down whatever he might need.

“Just… be a family?” he offered. “A fun one too,” he quickly added and grinned when he noticed Bomi giving thumbs up back at him.

Changkyun scrolled through twitter as he waited for his Monbebes to arrive. The room he got looked somewhat empty with simple chairs and a table with some drinks. The only things that warmed up the atmosphere a bit were a bunch of wolf plushies obediently sitting on every chair and looking at the only living being in it at the moment. His little wolf friends, soon to be met with their future companions. Monsta X’s maknae smiled at the thought before he focused on his phone again. 

Their comeback was scheduled in two weeks and that meant squeezing the rest of the first batch of solo fan meetings in the next ten days. So the rappers got theirs scheduled at the same time – it suited both Jooheon and Changkyun, being used to working together much more than usual lately anyway. The youngest in the team had to admit he liked it. He got along with his fellow rapper very well, years of working together allowed them to develop a certain bond that reflected in their work. They were on the same wavelength, understanding and complementing each other, just like they did in their songs. 

Changkyun was certain their relationship developed naturally thanks to Jooheon’s friendliness and readiness to talk about anything and everything – both good and bad – in order to build a transparent, solid friendship beneath the simple working relationship they established years ago. Talking has always been easy with Jooheon and Changkyun knew he wasn’t the only one feeling like that. The older rapper had that effect on everyone, straightforwardness paired with a disarming smile made everyone willingly open up to him. However, it seemed that being the youngest and the last to join the team made Changkyun appreciate it even more. Jooheon might not have been the only one impersonating a window, providing a breath of light and freedom to the younger rapper, but he was the one that projected it in the brightest and most beautiful way. 

It was also one of the reasons why he didn’t feel particularly nervous about meeting his fans on his own. Something about having Jooheon doing the same in the room right next to him made him feel like he was not alone. There was just one wall separating them after all. It felt nice and comforting too. Thinking about it had a calming effect and that realization further brought the feeling of gratitude – one that, in a mess of hectic schedules, he hadn’t felt so strongly in regards to anyone but Monbebe in a long time. Putting his phone down he looked at the wall opposite from himself, aware of Jooheon’s presence beyond it and smiled.

The knock on the door made him snap out of his thoughts and he quickly moved to let his fans in, greeting them politely and watching them take their plushies as they sat down, glad that they obviously liked them.

“You always get us things, I wanted to do it for you for once,” Changkyun chuckled, taking a seat in front of his fans and taking the notes he scribbled for himself, worried he’d somehow forget everything he needed to cover in this first fanmeeting, even though it was hardly possible. “Uh… I’m afraid I’m not very good at this and I don’t have many ideas on what we can do, but we do have some technical things to cover for a start, so we’ll do that first,” he glanced up at the people in front of him.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot and came to the conclusion that I just want these meetings to be simple gatherings of people who want to get to know each other better. So, with that in mind I’m very open to all the suggestions of activities you would like to do during these meetings. I think it would be a good idea to have one person collect the ideas in between the meetings and then we can organize something,” he suggested and watched the fans nod in agreement. “I actually already have a person in my mind, if you all agree,” he added. “Moon Eunbyul,” he looked at the girl, smiling warmly.

“Why me?” the girl blinked, quickly pushing her glasses further up her nose – a nervous gesture of suddenly being the centre of attention.

“Do you guys know why?” Changkyun looked around at other people instead.

“She’s Kyunbebe,” one of the fans replied. “Like… most Monbebe think of Byul when they think of your fans. You’re basically our unofficial representative,” she added, looking at Eunbyul.

“Then now you’ll be an official one,” Changkyun added. “We will work on me getting to know all of you better as much as you’ll get to know me better – beyond the image of I.M, maybe more of Changkyun this time. I trust Eunbyul to do a great job helping me out with organizing our meetings and helping out in general…” he looked over at her. “I know how busy you are, you can always tell me if you don’t have time and someone else will jump in or I will do it myself, so please don’t stress about it.”

“No, no, I’ll be fine, Changkyun-ssi,” Eunbyul quickly waved her hands. 

“Changkyun,” he pointed out. “Or whatever you want to call me that’s less formal.”

“Thank you,” she smiled broadly then and looked around. “Everyone, thanks for thinking that about me.”

“Good. You guys should see what’s the most convenient way for all of you to keep in touch with each other and Byul. I’ll give you my phone number later Byul-ah,” Monsta X’s maknae concluded and looked back at his list, chuckling a bit. “I’m sorry if that sounded like a pick-up line, that wasn’t my intention,” he added, smiling as his Monbebes started teasing him, bringing up his old “sex” slip from their second world tour. Things were going smoothly, just like Changkyun expected them to be – Kyunbebes or, as they later agreed to be called, Swagnaes was their name for a reason.

Closing the door after himself and Eunbyul when the fan meeting was over he looked at the retreating fans, waving at them before leaning back against the wall and turning to look at the girl.

“Phone, please.” A moment later they were exchanging numbers and Changkyun gave the phone back. “Are you going to wait with me? Jooheon’s meeting should soon be over too.”

“Yeah, I’m waiting for my friends,” she nodded, fixing her glasses slightly after she slipped her phone in her bag. 

“Ah, Jooheon’s Monbebes?” the rapper smiled, seemingly not surprised. “We know some of our fans are friends… Jooheon actually helped me with my selection for this project,” he smiled sheepishly. “I was only sure about you and Taehee. I didn’t know what to do.”

“Really? I didn’t know you’d have trouble with that…” Eunbyul paused, giving it a thought. “But now that I think about it… it must be hard to choose a fan over another.”

Changkyun smiled, watching her. Of course she understood. Eunbyul was smart and observant, quiet, but speaking her mind easily when needed. She was one of the most loyal fans of his that he had known personally and he liked her a lot, the calm vibe he was getting whenever he was around her and the easiness of their interactions. Byul knew how to notice certain things, analyze them, put herself into other people’s shoes and finally understand.

“It was really hard. I never thought I would have to choose fans, that’s not how it’s supposed to work,” he laughed and then smiled warmly. “Then Jooheon said I should change my mindset. Not choosing fans, but choosing friends. So yeah, that was the right approach.”

“You get along well with him,” Byul tilted her head slightly, watching him, making Changkyun feel like an object of observation again and he laughed.

“I do. Actually, better as time passes,” he shrugged. “I think living together for an extended period of time does that to you.”

“That makes sense…” the girl looked like she wanted to say something else, but as she hesitated the door next to them opened and Jooheon’s fans started walking towards them.

“Changkyun oppa…” three girls waved at him and he smiled, waving back as he pushed himself away from the wall. He glanced at Eunbyul as he realized she had never called him that – not that he minded, it was just strange considering how many girls used the term on him on a daily basis and she was one of his biggest and closest fans. The only explanation Changkyun could think of would be that she didn’t think they were close enough for her to do it and, well, that was exactly who she was and why Changkyun wanted her beside himself. He didn’t need to be anyone’s “oppa”, but he needed a true friend.

Eunbyul seemed to stop paying attention to him as she looked at the open door, waiting for her friends to come out and letting a small smile grace her lips when she heard a familiar loud voice before she saw a petite girl practically dragging her tall, but thin friend. When they both spotted her, the energetic tall one broke free and bounced over, hugging Byul, then stepped back before doing a 90 degree bow while facing Changkyun.

“Changkyun-ssi! It’s great to see you,” she smiled broadly, the petite girl standing next to her and smiling as she bowed slightly as well.

“You bow to him while you make fun of me?” Jooheon playfully sighed. “Should I hand you over to Changkyun and take Eunbyul instead?”

“You can’t take Eunbyul,” the maknae was fast to reply, then chuckled as he looked at Bomi. “Still a troublemaker?”

“Not a troublemaker… just a dork. Honey oppa doesn’t get my jokes…” she eyed Jooheon and then linked arms with Eunbyul, ignoring Jooheon’s second sigh at the nickname.

“I’ll have not calling me that added to your contract… confidentiality thingy…” the taller rapper grumbled.

“You don’t mind it that much.”

“Just stop, alright?” Jooheon looked at her seriously, but still warmly and she smiled.

“In public. Fine.” She tugged her friends closer. “We should go… see you during promotions.” Eunbyul and Hana said their goodbyes too and the girls started walking away. “Who are you?” Jooheon and Changkyun could still hear their conversation.

“What?”

“We’re HoneyBees.”

“Oh god…” Eunbyul was laughing. “I have two names apparently…” And they turned the corner, leaving the two youngest members of Monsta X alone.

“Bomi is something else,” Changkyun chuckled, turning to start walking too. 

“A bubble of energy, yeah,” Jooheon laughed along. “She’s obnoxious, but you can’t not love her.”

“Remember that time when she organized the rap battle at 5 am during Inkigayo prerecordings?” the younger one shook his head. 

“They were so loud that we were asked to go out and make them shut up. Hyunwoo hyung said she’s my responsibility,” Jooheon laughed as well. “And Bomi agreed with him. “I was imitating you, I was trying to be fierce,” she said.”

“I said she’s a troublemaker!” Changkyun joked.

“Yeah… but she’s more than that,” the older rapper smiled, wrapping his arm around Changkyun’s shoulder as they stayed silent for a moment. The thought of Bomi clearing the crowd efficiently when another Monbebe didn’t feel well, helping her and staying with her throughout the whole performance and fan meeting, making sure she was fine again crossed both their minds. The next time they saw her she eagerly told Jooheon that she was starting university, majoring in medicine and it made sense. Monbebe taking care of other Monbebe just as much as of Monsta X and together with them. Bomi was a protective ball of energetic fluff, rough around the edges, but extremely caring beneath the surface. 

“You guys are going to have fun,” the maknae grinned, looking up at his fellow rapper as they slowly walked down the hallways of the Starship building.

“I feel like they’re all just one big energetic pill meant to recharge me.” 

“You’re not wrong. Mine are the same. Just in a different way. More… calm,” Changkyun offered, not sure if it was the right word describing his fans, but compared to Bomi it certainly was.

“I’m glad you have Eunbyul,” Jooheon said after a moment of silence. The younger one looked at him in surprise. “I think she will be a good friend.”

“But…”

“You need one outside of Monsta X,” Jooheon added, sounding more serious than he probably intended to and looked at him. “We are not enough… for perspective.”

“For perspective. Right,” the younger one nodded, feeling somewhat restless. “You’re right, she will be a good friend.”

The taller one smiled, looking ahead of them as he tugged Changkyun outside of the building and towards the car. The maknae sneaked another glance, not entirely sure if there was a hidden meaning behind Jooheon’s words or if he was, once again, overthinking.


	5. Royal family eats ramen

Ungracefully collapsing onto his bed and snuggling into the fluffy blanket was Hyungwon’s favorite part of the day. He usually didn’t have the luxury to do it at noon, but today was different as he got up unusually early in order to run over to the company and set up his room for the fan meeting he was doing in the evening. The time for lunch and dance practice was ahead of him, but he still had about an hour before a certain small angry hamster would drag his cute ass to the delicious meal. He could work with an hour.

“You’re back.” He felt the bed shift under the weight of his best friend as a warm, firm chest pressed against his back, making him smile as he closed his eyes and hummed in agreement. “Kihyun said the lunch will be ready in half an hour.”

“No… I have an hour,” Hyungwon groaned, burying his face in the pillow as if wanting to hide from the world. Of course little hamster would mess with his perfect plan.

“Forty five minutes Won,” Hoseok chuckled. “That’s all I can do for you.”

“You’re an angel,” he mumbled in reply, already halfway in dreamland. He could distantly hear ‘I know’ before sleep took him over.

Friday, 7 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 32, Wonho

Friday, 7 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 35, Hyungwon

“You’ll go to the studio right after the fan meeting?” Hyunwoo asked as they stood in front of their dance studio, ready to part ways.

“Yeah, you guys shouldn’t wait up. Don’t worry, I know we have a meeting with the director in the morning, we won’t be too late,” Hoseok replied, smiling at the leader.

“See you later, hyung,” Hyungwon added, smiling as well and started walking to the third floor with the shorter dancer. 

“Are you excited?” his best friend asked after a moment, the giddiness noticeable in his voice and Hyungwon smiled again, not surprised in the least by Hoseok’s behavior.

“I guess I am. I really want to hang out with them,” he replied honestly. “I think I picked out an interesting group of people.”

“Yeah? You never told me. I assume Songhee and Miran will be there?”

“Stating the obvious,” Hyungwon laughed. “Of course… but that’s not all… and I’m looking forward to getting to know some of the others better. There are some people that are vaguely familiar, but seemed shy at our fan meetings. I thought it would be nice to meet someone new and open up.”

“Kihyun would’ve probably told you that’s rather risky,” Hoseok looked up at him with an approving smile. “I actually did the same.”

“Hamster should relax,” the taller one commented as they reached the third floor and walked down the hallway, easily spotting one girl sitting next to room 32, focused on a paper in her lap. Hoseok slowed down as they reached her and leaned forward to look at what she was doing. A drawing of both of them was in progress and she was concentrating so much she didn’t even pay attention to him hovering over her.

“Hello,” the smiling dancer almost whispered, causing her to almost jump up in surprise. “Sorry…” he added right after, placing a hand on her shoulder gently. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine… I just didn’t expect you,” she quickly replied, looking from Hoseok up at Hyungwon, who still had his attention on the drawing. “Ah, it’s not finished…” she quickly tried to put it away into her sketchbook, but Hoseok stopped her, gently taking it from her and straightening up to look at it together with Hyungwon.

“You’re very talented, Yoonhee-ssi,” he smiled again.

“Biased too. Hoseok hyung is not this beautiful,” Hyungwon smirked.

“Yah…” the shorter dancer pushed him playfully and laughed. “I might not be as beautiful as you, but you’re being mean again,” his best friend grinned and turned to the girl. “You’re early…”

“I finished with my lectures earlier today, so I stopped by to see if it would be possible to get in earlier and just wait here. The security told me it’s fine since we have these special passes...” she trailed off as both guys nodded listening to her.

“Want to help me set up the place then?” Hoseok asked, holding out his hand for her to stand up.

“I actually have some things already prepared… if you like them,” she smiled broadly, standing up and opening her bag, showing him little bunny stickers and cute drawings of all members of Monsta X.

“Perfect,” he grinned back, opening the door to his room so they could go in.

“Can I get a drawing later?” Hyungwon looked at her.

“Of course… uh…” Yoonhee opened her sketchbook again, looking through papers. “You can have this one now and I’ll make you more?” she offered, giving him another drawing of him and Hoseok, holding hands at one of their concerts. “Do you like it?” she added, somewhat timidly, even though they both knew her as a rather straightforward person.

“I love it,” Hyungwon smiled happily, taking the drawing from her. “I’ll see you later, have fun,” he added before he moved to his room.

“You too,” Hoseok replied, waving as he watched Hyungwon close the door behind him. Doing the same he turned back to Yoonhee.

“Alright, let’s see what we can do here,” he said excitedly, looking around the room. “Well, it’s quite big… Hyunwoo said all the rooms are similar in size, but we get a lot of space, I’m glad.”

“Are we going to exercise?” the girl put her bag down as she eyed some of the weights and a couple of indoor cycling bikes in the corner of the room.

“Ah I asked the management to put them there, but we’re not going to exercise if you guys don’t want to… I just thought that maybe sometimes it would be good for me to save time I would normally spend at the gym while I hang out with you instead. And I thought maybe someone would be interested to join me?” Hoseok flushed lightly, wondering if it wasn’t a good idea.

“It’s good, you’re right, someone will probably like it,” she nodded quickly, worrying he would think his idea was bad.

“Not you though?” he chuckled.

“I’ll just… draw,” Yoonhee laughed, taking out the things she made and looking around, thinking about how she should decorate the place. “But who knows, I might try it some time,” she glanced at him, laughing when he grinned at her. “It makes you so happy”

“I want to have fun with you guys… I just… I hope these meetings won’t be boring,” he replied honestly.

“They won’t, really, don’t worry about anything,” she replied, trying to reassure him and thinking how she should continue the conversation. “Um… my drawings earlier… do you mind us putting you and Hyungwon-ssi together all the time?” she asked as she started sticking random drawings and stickers around the room, trying to appear nonchalant about the question, but a hint of genuine curiosity still evident in her voice.

“Why would I mind? We really spend a lot of time together… it’s normal to us,” Hoseok replied, taking some of the things she took out and helping her. “And it’s fan service too,” he added. “Don’t get me wrong, we are really close… that’s not pretending or anything… I just… sometimes I overdo it I guess.” Yoonhee listened intently, then nodded at the explanation.

“Is overdoing it bad? I mean, do you get scolded for that or…?”

“Not really. I was told to tone it down a couple of times, but it wasn’t anything big or bad,” Hoseok shrugged. “We’re fine. And you guys seem to like it.”

“I wouldn’t be drawing you if I had a problem with it,” Yoonhee laughed. “We love you both… we love all seven of you.”

“We love you guys too… don’t make me sound cheesy, the fan meeting hasn’t even started yet!” he laughed too, then turned around when two girls stepped into the room, soon followed by three more people. “You’re here! Great! Put your things down and help us out, we’re going to make this room look the best out of all the rooms on this floor.” He looked over at the bag one of the girls put on the big table. “Minah-ssi, is that what I think it is?” The girl smirked, pulling the packages of ramen out of the bag as another one approached him, handing him his favorite iced tea.

“Yes, we got us ramen. Pots too, in case you don’t already have them prepared,” she grinned. “Now, let me help.”

Hyungwon looked around the room he prepared that morning, nodding in satisfaction and then proceeded to find a good place for the drawing in his hands. He moved to the wall next to the table with coffee and tea and put the drawing above the beverages, smiling at how it looked and thinking that he should probably discuss making the place cozier with his fans later on as they will probably have more ideas on how to decorate it. As soon as he grabbed a cup of coffee and checked the time the door opened and a girl walked in, smiling as she saw him.

“I’m first?” she asked, slightly surprised, then checked the time as well as she walked towards him.

“Hello, Yewon-ssi,” he smiled at her, then turned to get her a cup of coffee as well. “Let’s have some coffee while we wait for the rest.” 

“You remember my name,” she grinned, taking a sip of her coffee and looking up at the drawing. “You have Hyungwonho fanart!”

“Yoonhee-ssi came earlier and was drawing when Hoseok hyung and I arrived,” Hyungwon nodded, leaning against the table and looking up at the drawing too. “And yes, I know you. Your twitter account is pretty memorable,” he chuckled.

“You came together with Hoseok-ssi?” the girl’s eyes sparkled and Hyungwon refrained from laughing again. “My twitter… oh no.”

“We’re watching, you know,” Hyungwon’s smirk almost looked sinister for a second before he laughed. “Relax, I don’t-we don’t mind,” he waved her worries off and offered a warm smile. Monsta X knew Yewon as one of the biggest Hyungwonho shippers, shamelessly running a twitter account dedicated to the pair, supporting, encouraging and promoting various fan artists and writers who were inspired by Hyungwon and Hoseok and their interactions. He wasn’t sure what the rest of the group would think about him accepting Yewon as a part of his fan-friend crew, but he always found the girl to be loving and fun at their fan meetings, so he wanted her around.

“Okay… thank you. I knew you must have done a thorough check on the fans who applied for this project. I didn’t think the company would accept my application since… since I’m a shipper,” Yewon admitted, now curious about his thoughts about it.

“You’re not the only one. We knew about your twitter account way before the project was even proposed to us,” he explained. “We don’t see anything wrong in fans spreading love – even if it’s just a fantasy,” he noticed her face falling a little bit at his words, she must have believed their romantic involvement was true. “We are glad to be an inspiration to people… in a way,” he quickly added.

“I really need to get a new pair of lenses, these are not good…” they heard a girl speak before she even opened the door and stepped inside, followed by some others.

“You shouldn’t wear them then,” the other girl replied and smiled at Hyungwon and Yewon.

“Miran-ssi is right, it’s bad for your eyes Songhee-ssi,” Hyungwon chuckled, patting the short girl’s head as she reached him. 

“I’ll survive…” she shrugged, eyeing the tea on the table before she took a cup.

“Your eyes are red,” he pointed out. “Do you have your glasses with you?”

“Yeah, but I don’t like them,” Songhee replied. 

“It’s better to wear them… I had a dance practice before and it’s easier with lenses, but I have my glasses in my bag too. Do you want to wear them together?” he smiled, hoping she wouldn’t refuse. 

“You actually look cool with them… I… oh, fine,” she finally sighed, turning to fish her glasses out and running over to the bathroom. Hyungwon followed, switching his lenses with his glasses and feeling weird sense of freedom as he stepped back into the room, looking over at his fans and smiling at Songhee again.

“That’s better,” he nodded, leaning against the table as he prepared to talk. “Okay, well, since we’re all here we should start. These fan meetings will be pretty relaxed. You probably expect me not to have a strict plan and you’re right. We can do what we feel like doing at the moment and if you have suggestions you can talk freely. I will have Songhee-ssi and Miran-ssi as my link when it comes to communicating with the rest of you in between meetings, simply because they are people I know the best and the longest out of all of you. I’m sure Yewon-ssi will help them if they don’t have enough time or need some additional help,” he spoke easily, wanting to get over the boring technicalities they needed to cover.

“As you can see…” he pointed at the other part of the room. “We have a resting area. I want our meetings to be time for bonding, but also a getaway sort of… a place for healing even?” he bit his lip, feeling somewhat embarrassed for proposing it. “I want you to feel comfortable and… recharge here. That’s one of the things I want this place to be for myself too. If you just need time for yourself – or to simply rest you can do it there. We will have a scheduled nap time – meaning my nap time – when we can just lie down and relax if not actually sleep. I propose for it to be after the first forty five minutes and to last around twenty minutes or half an hour,” he paused, looking over at the people in front of him. “It’s silly isn’t it?”

“It’s you,” Miran replied. “It’s very caring of you too. Don’t say you’re doing it for yourself. We’re all taking care of each other here. I like it.”

“Don’t turn this into a therapy session, Miran-ssi,” Hyungwon laughed.

“I won’t if you stop being as formal as your handsome stick figure. Hyungwon-ah,” she emphasized his name on purpose, grinning at him.

“Fair enough,” he accepted, laughing again and moving to sit closer to his fans.

“You seriously called me prince… aren’t you afraid I’ll get conceited or something?” Hyungwon joked as he opened the door once their fan meeting was finished. 

“You don’t get it. You’re our prince because that way we can be Royalties,” Miran replied, laughing along with the rest of the girls at her joke. 

“I see, it’s not about me, it’s about you,” he nodded. “You’re this shameless after our first meeting, what am I going to do with you in the future?” He felt a hand slip into his own as a familiar warm chest pressed against his back again, Hoseok’s other arm wrapped around his waist.

“Continue loving them, that’s a given,” Hoseok chuckled softly into his ear and the taller dancer looked over at Yewon who looked like she was stuck in between fainting and squealing.

“Yah…” he glanced back at Hoseok, ready to scold him. “You’ll give her a heart attack.” Then he turned back to the girl. “He’s giving you fan service. Please ignore.”

“I can’t!” she finally let out.

“Hey Yewon-ah,” Hoseok let go of his best friend enough to wave at the girl and then smiled at the others beside her. “How have you guys been?”

“Peachy… until you decided to give them more Hyungwonho material,” Hyungwon grumbled, trying to get himself free.

“Now we’re even better,” Songhee smiled broadly, then turned to greet her best friend and some other fans of Hoseok who joined them.

“See… everyone loves us,” Hoseok pointed out, looking at his fellow member.

“They are our fans, you’re not telling me anything new.”

“Hyungwon’s fans, Wonho’s fans and Hyungwonho fans, you’re correct,” Yewon nodded, smirking lightly now that she got over her fangirl moment.

“This is not going to be easy… maybe I should take your Starship passes away now. I changed my mind. Royalty card revoked,” Hyungwon extended his hand as if being serious and the girl scooted behind Songhee and her best friend, Sunmi, as if afraid he would actually kick her out.

“You’re called Royalties? That’s so cool!” Sunmi looked at Songhee.

“Your majesty Hyungwon,” Minah bowed playfully, stepping closer to their little group. “Don’t get cocky now that you’re Royalty, Miran-ah,” she teased her sister as she wrapped her arm around her. 

“What’s your new name?” Miran curiously asked instead.

“Ramyunatics,” her sister replied. “We had a nice dinner too.”

“Hyung, seriously?” Hyungwon turned to Hoseok. “I’m telling Ki.”

“No, you’re not,” the older singer stepped away a little bit. “I’ll just do extra training… and we have some training equipment in my room, so eating more will be just fine,” he then turned to the girls. “We have to go now, but we’ll see you during promotions, right?”

“Yes, of course,” the girls chorused. “Have fun!”

“Oh, we will…” Hoseok grinned, holding Hyungwon’s hand as he pulled him along.

“Stop that…” they could hear Hyungwon say as they walked away from them.

“You better draw this Yoonhee-yah,” Yewon commented, watching the two guys bicker playfully as they walked, hands still firmly clasped together.

“Already on it,” Yoonhee simply replied, taking out her sketchbook.


	6. Circle of Savages

“How are you feeling?” Hyunwoo sat down beside Kihyun, watching the younger singer put down the book he was reading and look at him.

“I’m fine… I prepared everything, I’m actually looking forward to it.”

“You were eager when we started talking about the project. I didn’t think you would be that much, to be honest,” the leader chuckled, leaning back against the wall, getting comfortable.

“Yeah, I was. I am,” Kihyun nodded. “I guess I really love Monbebes.”

He truly did. The shortest vocalist of Monsta X might have appeared somewhat cold and mean, but he cared as much as he didn’t seem to – about his family, because that’s exactly what Monsta X was and about his fans – people who gave all of them so much love simply because they enjoyed their music and liked the personalities they showed to them on screen. There was a lot of things Monbebes didn’t know about them – good and bad, things that piled up at the line between Monsta X members – the idols and Hyunwoo, Hoseok, Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Jooheon and Changkyun – the friends, the brothers, the seven guys who constantly tried to give their best at what they were doing to achieve happiness. Kihyun was excited to see if this time he would be able to show Monbebes exactly that – examine the line and see if and how they would be able to cross it.

He was always thorough, it was a part of his personality, if something was supposed to be done he always did his best to do it as perfectly as he could. Or at least close to perfection and then constantly trying to push harder, get closer. That was the only way he knew and the only one that proved fruitful. He would sing, he would dance and develop all the skills that at some point would appear like he needed them until he had no energy left and there were no regrets because it was well justified. That’s just how it all worked and there would never be anyone else to do certain things instead of him. 

“I’ll do it myself,” was a sentence that was both an encouragement, equivalent to “fighting” and a curse, for Kihyun never allowed himself to rely on other people. Learning to work in a team was a process that was rather challenging for him and sometimes he still struggled with it, but in the end the ultimate lesson he had learned from it was that even though they were a team and, of course, relied on each other to work together, there were certain roles divided among the seven of them. They were their responsibilities and their bonds and they made Kihyun’s order-liking mind be at peace.

Doing things on his own was easy as there was no place for additional, time-consuming thinking. One would turn into something akin to machine, focusing on the task at hand and executing it with precision and certainty. Exactly the way Kihyun liked it. It brought a strong sense of accomplishment and usefulness and the main vocalist of Monsta X adored that feeling. Making a change, progressing, being useful and finally, being needed. With a hope that someone would care, even love him. He was ready to put all of his passion and love into what he was doing because it truly was that – love and he simply hoped people would recognize it and love him back. Or at least give him more than a simple, meaningless glance before they moved on.

The world was scary and he was average – not as beautiful as Hyungwon or Hoseok, not as bright as Minhyuk or Jooheon, not as good as Hyunwoo and not as interesting as Changkyun. To Kihyun they all seemed to shine at first glance and all he had were decent looks, a good enough brain and a voice. But in the world of music he firmly believed he didn’t need anything but the voice. His voice could make him shine too, so he worked hard to bring it to light, to make the scary world brighter for himself too. When he managed to see the first rays of bright light chase away the scary darkness they came in the form of warm love – for him and for every precious member of his family and they went by the name of Monbebe.

Meeting fans was a memorable, precious activity for Kihyun. It was a special connection that was something unbelievable, something that defied common sense as he couldn’t explain the way that crowd of strangers made him feel, connected through the music and love beyond explanation. The wildest thing out of all was that he and six members of his family were the reason, the representation of the tiny dots that formed tiny lines between each and every Monbebe and at the same time between Monbebes and themselves as artists and people too. Every meeting was touching, making his heart flutter, even though he would probably be the last to admit it. But in the end he still would – as it was the one, the ultimate truth, love and happiness.

They were all about to step closer to the centre of the circle that represented the relationship they had with their fans. Stepping closer together, making the cluster of music and emotions tighter, reaching out hands to hold onto each other and get stronger, perhaps even invincible. Kihyun couldn’t wait.

Sunday, 2 pm, Starship building, 3rd floor, room 34, Kihyun

The time of his fan meeting symbolized gathering of a family to Kihyun. It was a little bit funny, but suitable, prompting him to get up early that morning and prepare a feast for his fans. They would be having lunch together and the main vocalist of Monsta X just hoped the warm meal would be accompanied by the warm feelings of a group of people who had nothing in common but love for each other.

“That’s not for you!” he practically barked, swatting Hyungwon’s hand away, but not before the tall dancer managed to taste the food he prepared for his fans with such care. “Why are you even awake?”

“Wow… this is probably the first time in six years you’re unhappy to see me up at this time,” Hyungwon replied, successfully sounding offended, even though his smirk gave away his true amusement. 

“Minhyuk! That has cucumbers in it!” Kihyun practically yelled, causing his best friend to clumsily drop the piece of kimbap the main vocalist previously neatly arranged. “You’re just making a mess… both of you…” the shortest member of Monsta X huffed, moving around the kitchen to push them both away and then proceeded to cut another kimbap roll onto a plate, shaking his head and hoping one roll less wouldn’t make much of a difference.

“Here… Eat and stay away,” he brought the plate to the table, glancing at Minhyuk. “This one is safe,” he was greeted with bright grin as his best friend popped one piece into his mouth happily.

“Thanks Ki,” Hyunwoo smiled. “We won’t bother you,” he added as Hoseok quickly took some more food out of the fridge, so they could all have a proper meal. “You should eat something too.”

“I already ate… I have to finish all this and run to the company as soon as possible,” Kihyun dismissed the offer, but smiled watching them all eat and ran back to the kitchen, hurrying to finish everything he wanted to prepare, wanting everything to be perfect, as always. 

If he paused to allow himself to pay attention to anything other than the contents of the pots and bowls filling the cooking space he would’ve seen the smiles radiating warmth and love from his members. He would’ve felt reassured and energized, Monsta X just had that effect. But he didn’t and instead just rushed out of the door once everything was done, barely finding time to shout out he was leaving.

Time passed by in a flash from the moment he finally stepped into the company building to the moment his fans started filling the room that was assigned for him and he bit his lip secretly as his heart fluttered in a familiar way as if cuing him to take the step he had waited for.

“Hello… my Monbebes,” he started once all six of them settled down and focused their attention on him. His own greeting made him cringe, so he just decided to continue. “We will definitely have to work on the name,” he muttered to himself before smiling bashfully and grabbing his papers. Looking over at the people in front of him for a moment he started again. “I like order and I feel like we need to be organized to make this work, so we will first make some sort of plan for future meetings,” he grimaced, then sighed and put down the papers.

“This is bullshit,” he watched his fans get a little taken aback by his words. “I thought writing it all down would help, but I can’t follow some dumb script I scribbled down, since now I feel like it has no meaning,” he explained, standing up and moving to the front of the table he was sitting at, then moved one of the chairs to the centre. “This chair is a special chair. I know it looks the same as the ones you’re sitting on, but that’s exactly the point,” he grinned, sitting down on it. “We all have special chairs because this is the purpose of this whole project. We’re all equal here, I’m just Kihyun, a member of Monsta X, but also someone who wishes to become your friend. I don’t care about the project, I’m not doing it because I was told to, but because I was genuinely happy when Hyunwoo hyung told us about it,” he leaned closer, as if getting ready to tell a secret.

“I haven’t told this to anyone, the guys don’t know… well, they know I’m happy about it, but I didn’t talk about it to anyone. I’m really happy. Because I really love you and I want to get to know you all as much as I want you to get to know me too. I think that’s what’s important,” he admitted, feeling a bit nervous for simply opening up like that, but that was the point of it all. And judging by the faces of the people in front of him it looked like they were touched.

“Um… we really love you too,” the girl on his right side replied as Kihyun stopped talking, as if asking for a reaction and he smiled warmly.

“I know Soojin-ah,” he smiled at her. “I know you also didn’t think I’d like… spill my heart out to you like this, but I just… didn’t go according to my original plan and we have this mess now,” he laughed. “We should be somewhat organized from now on though,” his eyes landed on another girl who was actually taking notes and he chuckled. “I guess we have a volunteer for my organization crew. Eunha-yah? You want to do it?”

The girl looked up, her eyes widening slightly in surprise when he called her and Kihyun chuckled.

“We need people who will be connected to me to get the organizing part better. I’m strict and nagging even with my friends and you look like you can take the challenge. Soojin too, I know you well,” he eyed the other girl and then looked around. “Hm… Ara?” he then looked at the rest. “What do you guys say?”

“I think you’re right… they’ve been in charge of organizing all of us for projects in the past as well,” another fan commented.

“Great, then you won’t be doing anything you already are not used to,” Kihyun clapped his hands excitedly.

“We’ll do a good job, Kihyun-ssi,” Soojin replied firmly. 

“You’re not in the army, Soojin-ah, so you can relax and just call me Ki. But I like your attitude,” he nodded in approval, suddenly aware he sounded commanding himself and laughing. “It seems like I need to take my own advice… Now, as you’re aware we have meetings scheduled once per month, but I don’t like it. I will probably call up meetings more often – if nothing else so we can chat and bond. But I will also probably complain about things I dislike or that bother me and I need a shoulder to cry on – in a way, because I’m probably driving the guys crazy, I’m aware of that,” he admitted. “Those meetings will probably be scheduled early in the morning too, usually on short notice, depending on my mood. I know it’s probably too much and I won’t be mad if you’re busy or simply don’t want to meet up… one or two people is enough as well. If you’re up for it?” he offered, suddenly not so sure if he was asking too much.

“That’s fine, don’t worry about it, we will arrange everything,” Soojin readily replied, obviously not finding anything unreasonable in the request. Kihyun looked around, slightly surprised when no one else showed any signs of hesitation or disapproval, but then a thought of them being his loyal fans, ready to apply for a project like this and sign a certain type of confidentiality contract just in order to hang out with him appeared in his mind, making him feel reassured once again.

“Thank you. Then I won’t hesitate to contact you in the middle of the night,” he half-joked, although he knew he was perfectly capable of doing such thing. “I will contact the three of you – we will have a separate chat of sorts and then one of you will need to inform the rest. I would like Eunha to continue taking notes of important things and ideas we covered at our meetings, since I like being organized and having some sort of reminder – for memory if nothing else,” he smiled. “Is that alright?”

“Yes, that’s not a problem at all… Ki,” the quiet girl in front of him nodded, blushing lightly as she used the nickname and quickly looking down at her notes, scribbling something down – probably to distract herself from the embarrassment.

“That’s right, I’m Ki,” Kihyun confirmed. “I will probably nag a lot about members, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love them or you should agree with my opinion concerning the things that might annoy me. For example, I can’t get Hyungwon to get up… like ever,” he huffed suddenly. “I wake him up, but he won’t get his skinny ass out of bed unless I give up and someone else does it for me. It’s not always possible though and when there’s just two of us it’s just a huge pain in the ass,” he rambled, getting worked up whenever he talked about it.

“What should we do about it then?” Soojin asked, leaning forward slightly in interest, then looking around at other people in the room. “Any suggestions guys?”

“Have you tried bribing him with food?” one girl suggested.

“It would work with Hoseok or Hyunwoo, not Won,” Kihyun shook his head.

“Hide three alarms around the room and set them off, he will have to get up to turn them off eventually.”

“It doesn’t work, I tried. It drives me even more crazy instead while he blissfully just goes back to sleep.”

“Then drastic measures?” another one proposed. “Like… spill water on him. Or something like that?”

“That actually worked once, but he was determined to kill me and make my life miserable for the rest of the day… he looks like a stick, but he’s strong, don’t underestimate him,” Kihyun sighed.

“Hm… we need a smarter strategy for this then. Who does he listen to?” Ara suddenly spoke.

“Hyunwoo and Hoseok mostly. Or well, practically everyone but me. I tend to think it’s his personal revenge against my nagging,” Kihyun chuckled.

“Then talk to Hyunwoo-ssi or Hoseok-ssi. Maybe they’ll find a better way?” Ara smiled.

“If it doesn’t work we can always kill him in his sleep,” Soojin nonchalantly added and grinned, obviously joking.

“No killing, we love all the members, remember?” Kihyun laughed again, shaking his head. It was silly, but talking to his fans about even small things that annoyed him like this already made him happy. 

“Do we have anyone we love more than the others?” Eunha asked, ready to take notes.

“Changkyun and Jooheon. They’re precious babies of the group,” the main vocalist of Monsta X nodded. “Also Minhyuk – he can be annoying, but contrary to belief he’s the best friend,” he paused. “And Hyunwoo.”

“That’s almost the whole group.”

“I’m weak,” Kihyun laughed. “Now, we have one more very important task that we actually must solve today since it’s company’s orders.”

“We’re ready!” Soojin looked like ready to charge once again. 

“Relax, please?” the singer laughed, crossing his legs. “We need to name you. Kihyun’s fans… or well, friends need something unique.”

“I think we’re fierce,” one of the girls said.

“Soojin is like a general here, ready for battle,” Ara laughed, shaking her head. “Half of us are not really… military style, so that won’t work.”

“We’re all very straightforward though,” another fan commented. “Maybe even a little rough around the edges.”

“We’re savage.” Eunha scribbled down the word, for the fun of it and simply because she liked the way it looked on the paper.

“You want to call us Savages?” Ara looked at her in disbelief.

“Why not? It sounds cute somehow. It definitely describes us,” Eunha shrugged and Kihyun suddenly laughed. 

“She’s actually right,” Soojin laughed as well. “Let’s go with it?” she looked at Kihyun, waiting for final approval and for some reason really liking it. The singer nodded, finally calming down from his laugh.

“Alright, my little Savages,” he clapped his hands excitedly. “Who’s hungry?”


	7. Coming home

The last days of preparation passed by quickly after Kihyun’s first personal fan meeting and Minhyuk had the impression that the comeback came too soon, as if catching him off guard. They were preparing for it as hard as always, but with additional activities they now had with their special circle of fans the time seemed to just slip through their fingers and the sunshine of Monsta X felt like he couldn’t grasp everything that was happening to him and his family. They flew from the start of the still unfamiliar project into the promotions and even though the comeback activities meant settling into familiar pattern the feeling was somewhat different simply because their every day life changed in a way.

The change wasn’t that big, but it was evident, mirrored in the way Jooheon chuckled at his phone, Kihyun woke up even earlier than usual and Changkyun paid attention to what the rest of them were doing and followed as well. It was clear that all of them dealt with the absence of personal fan meetings during the comeback promotions by substituting them with texting. Minhyuk doubted any of members did it because they felt obliged to as there was genuine happiness evident on the faces of all seven of them whenever their focus was on their phones. No matter how small it was, the change was good.

For Minhyuk it meant having three separate chats – one with Gayoung and Nari, one with Jaejin and one with Sangwook. Chat with the girls was loud as the two friends talked among themselves as much as they talked to Minhyuk and early during the conversation they agreed that he should just mute it and stop by when he had time to check up on them and discuss ideas for the fan meetings if there were any, among other things. 

The singer started the conversation with Jaejin wanting to learn more about his clothes as the guy was studying fashion design. They bonded over discussing the projects Jaejin was working on at the moment, the inspiration, materials and details and Minhyuk was glad to notice steady progress in Jaejin’s opening up to him and talking about himself, his studies and the people that surrounded him. The feeling was similar to what all Monsta X members felt the day they faced the enormous pile of applications and the glimpse into someone’s life it gave them, only now it was real and the more he discovered, the more he felt closer to his fans and the more eager he was.

Sangwook was the first to send a message, easily starting the conversation with a simple, but gorgeous photo of himself. Minhyuk was somewhat taken aback, but instantly started talking and soon learned about little project the younger guy started and wanted Minhyuk to be a part of. It was a challenge he thought would be fun considering he was a makeup artist, a challenge that would tickle his creativity and at the same time give him a certain overview of his own state of mind and emotions and the way they shifted throughout a certain period of time. 

Sangwook explained to him that he’s been thinking about doing it for quite some time, but didn’t find the time for it. The timing seemed to be right at the moment – his sociology studies coming to the end, giving him more freedom paired up with the project with Minhyuk as there was no doubt he wanted to share it with his idol. He called the project “Paint the day” and the idea was to try to express himself through his makeup, doing his best to cover the events and the emotional impact they had on him at the end of every day. So Minhyuk started getting a photo per day from the younger guy, followed by a simple conversation about their daily activities. It was simple and fun and after about a week Minhyuk found himself looking forward to the end of every day, just to discover some new line, new color, new image Sangwook was willing to share with him.

The sunshine of Monsta X knew the other members of his family made friends with their fans in a similar way and squeezing additional interactions into their already packed schedule made the days even shorter. The impact those interactions had on all of them was obvious – even after such a short time. They all seemed to be slightly more relaxed, in a better mood, satisfied. The project was exciting and they had barely stepped into it with the tips of their toes.

As expected, their leader wasn’t communicating with his fans as easily as Minhyuk for example. The chat with Seulgi and Hyojin was rather dead, waiting for him to make the first move whenever he felt the need to talk as girls knew better than to pressure him into anything and he figured he just felt more comfortable interacting with them in person. His online conversation with Hajoon, however, was a completely different story. Hyunwoo slipped into chatting with ease that surprised even himself, but knew the sole reason for that was the fact that he related to the younger guy so much that sometimes it felt like talking to himself. He was rapidly developing a valuable friendship and it was making him so elated he just had to share it with the people around him. And his obvious happiness was greeted with loving smiles from both Hyungwon and Kihyun.

Jooheon was having so much fun in a ridiculous chat named “Honey oppa and his little bees” that one night Kihyun had to confiscate his phone from him and get him to bed by force. Monsta X’s fierce aegyo rapper swelled with additional energy, diving into work vigorously as his little bees indeed worked like the most powerful energizer. Changkyun, on the other hand, kept in touch with Eunbyul, like he planned to from the beginning of the project. The same calm effect the girl had on him in person was present in the exchange of texts as they talked about anything that came into their mind, sharing stories during the breaks from their working and eventually turning them into a fun game of storytelling that relaxed and amused the both of them. Storytelling came naturally to the girl, as she was an assistant professor of Korean literature that did some writing in her free time and Changkyun found the exercise to be good, creative distraction that eventually seemed to nurture his own imagination and help him freshen up, allowing him to work with more ease. Eunbyul brought a bit of peace into Changkyun’s rushed schedules, a small break in between work, a breather.

The emotional fluffball of Monsta X and his beautiful sleepy best friend had a group of fans who were friends with each other, which made the communication interesting as both Hoseok and Hyungwon slowly learned bits of their interactions and dynamics of the group as a whole. Each of them, however, had a simple chat with the fans they chose as helpers during the first fan meeting. The only exception was Yoonhee as Hyungwon wanted to be on the receiving end of some of her artwork as well and the girl accepted sending both of them her work every couple of days. At first it was just her drawings of the two of them – separately and together, but then she started showing her other art, projects she did for university and paintings she enjoyed doing when she was by herself. The conversations with the rest of the girls on both sides was as common and as unpredictable as one would’ve expected. Hoseok preferred actually talking than sending texts, so they ended up calling each other at some point and arranging skype conference calls in the rare situations when all of them actually had time. Unlike him, Hyungwon didn’t keep in touch with his fans nearly as much, but it was comfortable, a couple of texts here and there, short conversations, but constant – as if reminding each other they were there all the time if they were needed. Bit by bit, the chat just naturally became a part of life.

The main vocalist of Monsta X integrated daily messages to his fans in his regular schedule. It might have looked ridiculous from the side, but Kihyun was very diligent and at some point his fans expressed that those couple of morning messages they were getting from him signalized the start of a good day. It made him happy and more eager to continue doing it. His chat almost equaled the conversation with himself sometimes – with the list of things he needed to do that day, little nagging sessions about the members’ habits and, very rarely, his deeper thoughts and worries. His three little Savages made sure to be by his side – even when he starting talking at 6am, all three of them barely keeping their eyes open, but still reading every word and somehow giving good replies, trying their best to help him out. Being a part of the Monsta X family was a great thing. They were his brothers and he was extremely close to them, but developing new friendships – and with people he knew cared about him too proved to be much more needed than he had expected.

A month of promotions equaled hectic time in idols’ vocabulary, but it also meant meeting fans along the way. Kihyun wasn’t sure if he was imagining it or if he was influenced by his own feelings, but this time they all seemed to be even more excited for meeting Monbebe than usual. Thinking about it further it made perfect sense as actually getting to know the fans, talking to them constantly, made the connection deepen. Meeting them in person was truly meeting friends now – and it somehow influenced their relationship with the rest of Monbebe too, making the whole family seem closer in that ridiculously short period of time.

Hana and Eunbyul listened to their friend rambling about the exam she apparently aced as they made their way to three empty chairs in front of them. Talking about muscle structure wasn’t fun in the least unless Bomi included examples in the form of analyzing Monsta X members’ bodies, but since that wasn’t the case at the moment the two girls politely refrained themselves from interrupting her, but didn’t put a lot of effort into listening carefully either.

“Ah I’m so glad I can finally relax,” she finally finished, leaning back in her chair and looking over at the girl two rows away from them, waving back as they recognized each other. “I can finally get some sleep too… and we can go out on Saturday, what do you say?” she added, looking back at Hana, but her friend turned around to look at some familiar people.

“Yeah, sure… ah, Hajoon, hi!” Hana waved at the guy and then turned to Bomi. “We can go wherever you want since you did so well on your exams.”

“Hajoon still did better,” the energetic girl replied after she sent a small smile at the said guy. “He has a face like that and he’s like… the smartest ass in the year. That’s not fair.”

“That’s one very nice ass, though,” Eunbyul fixed her glasses with a smirk, looking back at the photobook from her copy of new Monsta X album.

“We should probably invite him to sit with us. He’s a shy bean and you’re being mean,” Hana scolded Bomi playfully, already moving to stand up and wave him over.

“I’m sure he’ll find a lot of willing girls eager to have him sitting with them, don’t worry,” Bomi waved her hand. 

“Yeah, but…” Hana frowned, watching the guy contemplating where to sit.

“Do you have a crush on him?” her friend laughed, looking up at her in disbelief.

“Don’t be silly… I just think he’d be more comfortable sitting with us.”

“What’s there to be uncomfortable about? He’s here for the fansign, not to bond with us. I see him enough at university already. Just let him be,” Bomi sighed, opening her photobook as well and flipping through pages.

“Not listening to you… Hajoon! You can sit with us,” Hana called out, smiling as his face lit up and he made his way over to them.

“Are you sure it’s alright?” he softly asked, waiting for confirmation before sitting down next to Bomi.

“You shouldn’t ask, we’ve known each other for a long time now, it’s perfectly fine,” Eunbyul replied, looking up at him with a smile. “How have you been?”

“Um… busy?” he offered. “I’m sure Bomi told you we had hectic exam period.” Eunbyul nodded.

“She did. I don’t need to ask how it went,” she chuckled, packing her album neatly again.

“Yeah, she’s smart and I’m a geek,” Hajoon half-joked, feeling a bit uncomfortable because of his own lack of social skills, making his interactions with people seem awkward. He then looked at Bomi, the girl’s attention still on the album in her hands. “Are you going to the party later?”

“The one Dongmin invited us to?” she replied, glancing up at him. “Since when are you going to the parties?”

“Um… since I aced my exams and can afford to relax a bit?” he offered. “I don’t know, I heard parties are fun?”

“You heard parties are fun,” Bomi deadpanned as Hana discreetly exchanged amused looks with Eunbyul. “Good for you… yeah, I might go,” she turned to her friends. “We might go?” The girls looked at each other again and shrugged, quickly agreeing, before the crowd quieted down and the Monsta X members stepped into the room.

The handsome dancer stood in line, waiting for his turn in front of Monsta X and looked around once again. Minwoo was one of the oldest fans in the room today and also one of the few guys. He knew he stood out as much as he knew some of the people recognized him even though he hasn’t been to a fansign in about three years. Attention wasn’t foreign to him and he was never the one to mind it – he had been the centre of attention too many times to count ever since he was a little kid. Dancing tended to have that effect on your life, putting you in the spotlight and teaching you to embrace it. After twenty years of dancing it was as natural as breathing, but he was still thankful that people around him still paid more attention to people they came for rather than him at that very moment. He might have been confident, but unnecessarily attracting other people while he wasn’t even dancing still felt weird.

Three years passed and he was in a different spot in his life, having a suitcase full of experiences from his travels and working abroad, coming back to Korea to restart his life, build it up using those experiences as a base now. However, here it felt like he returned to the same spot he vacated back then. In relation to Monsta X he was the same, however things around here changed a bit, time leaving a mark on everything. The Monbebe family grew – in numbers and maturing a tiny bit, ages slightly shifting. He grew older as well and he assumed the age they were all in was like that, noting every small change even though barely three years passed. Three years made a difference.

It was different, yet the same and Minwoo felt slightly nostalgic, slightly eager and a lot like a young boy meeting his old friends after a long time. Monsta X's members changed in a way they were supposed to, with years adding up onto their careers, music, emotions and interactions piling up, enriching them. Yet, when Minwoo stood in front of each of them, greeting them and getting warm smiles and words welcoming him back they were those same seven people whose music he fell in love with five years ago, those same guys struggling to share the love with a small group of fans back in the beginning, the ones to escape the warmth of tv studios just to slip some warmth to Monbebe, sometimes hot packs, sometimes hot coffee and sometimes just what they did the best – music. Minwoo stood in front of them, watching them and felt happy, light, free. He felt like finally coming home.


	8. Fly with me

The maknae of Monsta X sat on the table in room 37 and ate a chocolate bar, deep in thought. It was still early for him to be waiting for his fans, but today hasn’t been very inspiring or productive for him, so he decided to stop trying to work and come earlier instead, hoping that hanging out with his fans would bring him his inspiration back. That’s the effect that talking to Eunbyul had, but he didn’t want to bother the girl with messages when they would be seeing each other soon enough. Besides, he had the feeling he needed some time to think some things through on his own.

Opening up to Eunbyul had been one thing and even with the fan he knew for sure he wanted to become friends with it seemed like he couldn’t completely relax. Maybe he was asking too much of himself, but expectations were somehow always big when it came to him. Changkyun believed that certain circumstances in his life made him that way, but there was also something within himself that constantly pushed him forward, striving for more. That’s what got him to where he was right at that moment, an artist with a five year long successful career, co-workers that were closer than family and a big crowd of loving people appreciating their work.

He wasn’t sure if the same determination and passion he had when music was involved could’ve or, rather, should’ve applied to relationship with his fans. With Monsta X members it was different, the friendship came naturally after all that time spent together, sharing everything and the presence of the other guys was so constant that sometimes he wasn’t sure if he remembered what his life was like before they were a part of it. There was a lot of faces, but most of them were a blur, the only clear features were those of his family and the six friends that had been together with him for the last five years.

“Hey,” a couple of smiling girls walked in and Changkyun greeted them, then quietly watched the rest of the group fill the room. “Chocolate anyone?” he offered once they all settled, some people moving to grab some coffee, causing him to look down at his own cup of, now cold beverage. 

The chocolate was passed around and the rapper noticed Eunbyul fidget a bit at his behavior. He must’ve looked completely out of it, but the truth was that he was more into it than before, just wondering how he should start – form sentences that would make sense and be effective.

“Kyun-ah?” the girl softly called him, raising her eyebrows. “Are you alright?”

“Mhm… I’m fine,” he smiled slowly, looking over them. “I’ve just been thinking about something,” he added, downing the cold coffee before jumping down and going to make himself a fresh one. “Jooheon said something to me when we started the project… a month ago?” he slowly moved back and sat back down on the table, crossing his legs comfortably. “Something about making friends. No one else said anything, but I know they all feel the same way. They think I should embrace new people more openly… to just try to make friends outside of Monsta X.” 

His fans nodded a bit in understanding, staying silent, assuming he had more to say. When he didn’t for a long moment one of them spoke.

“You don’t have friends outside of Monsta X?”

“I have my crew and some people I hang out with from time to time…” Changkyun started, thinking about it. “Not that often, since we’re all so busy… but I guess they’re not, like, the closest people to me either,” he bit his lip. “You know this, but my family used to live abroad, we moved around. I think I naturally stopped trying to develop close friendships after some time. I never had much of a problem getting acquainted with someone, spending time and all that… I just stopped trying to go deeper into it, thinking there’s not much point since we would drift apart eventually, probably because I would move away again,” he started explaining. “I don’t think I did it on purpose, maybe some part of me was aware of it and prevented me from making lasting friends. I never thought much about it and when I moved back to Korea and became a part of Monsta X it all just happened naturally. I kind of gained six friends over night, even though it wasn’t exactly over night, but since we’ve been living together as well as working together I guess there was no escape,” he chuckled. “Not that I wanted to escape, I just want to say that it is normal to become close when you spend every living moment with someone.”

“And they don’t think they’re enough for you?” another fan asked.

“I don’t think it’s about being enough. I think they might be worried or just… want me to have something beside them and my family?” Changkyun tilted his head, taking a sip of his coffee. “I’ve been thinking about Jooheon’s words a lot. They all have friends outside of group. It’s like having a life outside of it too? Not that I don’t… but I don’t,” he smiled sheepishly. “God, this sounds so pathetic,” he chuckled right after, shaking his head. “I don’t even feel like it, like I’m missing on something… But he actually said that I should have a friend – for perspective.”

“They want you to step outside of your little Monsta X bubble,” Eunbyul said. “That’s why he said ‘for perspective’. To be with someone outside of that world and experience new things? It’s a part of growing too. Like going away from family. You’re also their youngest,” she smiled. “Jooheon wants you to learn how to fly.”

“But I’m flying with them,” Monsta X maknae protested, feeling a bit like a child fighting against the change in his life, as if he was afraid of leaving the safety of the familiar environment he was used to for so long. However, he wasn’t one to be stopped by some petty fear and it was simply weird to feel that way, making him wonder if he was just afraid of being left alone in the end – deserted by everyone, including the family he couldn’t imagine living without anymore. But would change or lack of it result in that? 

“On your own,” she pointed out. “Flying with someone outside of your family ultimately means flying on your own. And flying over new, unknown places does it too,” she smiled, pausing for a moment. “Are you afraid? Or maybe just… worried?”

“It’s an unknown territory,” Changkyun chuckled, kicking his fear of being abandoned by the people that meant the most to him to the back of his mind. Those were dangerous thoughts and they made him feel tiny and insignificant, something that everyone around him proved to be false all the time. “I don’t know, I might be worried although that’s totally irrational. It’s definitely exciting though.”

“But you’re not one to be easily afraid,” Eunbyul stated, tilting her head a bit as she watched him. Her words were a clear statement, not matching the unsure gaze she directed at him.

“You’re right, I’m not. But I’m also anxious and awkward in situations like this,” he admitted. “I mean, I’m a special bean,” he added jokingly, being the maknae of Monsta X everyone knew him as.

“That you are,” Byul laughed. “But you have us. I mean…” she looked around at the smiling people who supported her words. “That’s an instant advantage. We love you,” she finished, looking back at him.

“Yeah, well… That’s true, I should be more open and relaxed with you,” the rapper looked at all of them too, obviously flustered, but being sure these were the people who will be happy to embrace him as a friend, along with everything he had to offer. And that was a lot, he just needed a push and quite a bit of love. “Then… fly with me?”

“Where are we going first then?” Eunbyul asked, obviously doing her best to help him open up – or at least lead the meeting in a way he found comfortable. It reminded him of some old memories, good memories – of people who offered their hands to him first years ago and simply accepted him, contrary to his expectations. It was warm and inviting and smelled faintly of home mixed with some exotic, long forgotten spice he was ready to try again. The rapper knew the time for him to take that friendly hand had come.

“I want to hear your stories,” Changkyun smiled and, to his fans, it was everything he needed to say for them to understand him perfectly.

The bright light of Jooheon’s studio greeted Changkyun as he quietly stepped inside. His fellow rapper was focused on work, looking at the monitor and listening to the song that he was currently in the process of making, completely unaware of another presence in the room. The maknae of Monsta X sneaked up on him, providing Jooheon a glimpse of him in the monitor before enveloping him in a tight hug and causing him to laugh.

“Fan meeting went well?” the older guy looked over his shoulder only to let Changkyun’s hair brush against his cheek. “You took my advice?”

“I’m trying to open up with them, yes… Baby steps,” Changkyun nodded a bit, pulling away and taking a seat next to Jooheon, looking at the monitor instead. “I listened to their stories today. It was really fun,” he bit his lip, looking back at his friend. “You were right.”

“You doubted it?” Jooheon raised his eyebrows, obviously amused.

“No…” the reply came fast, Changkyun almost regretted it right away and laughed instead. “Hyung…” he couldn’t help but whine, then laughed again. Whining wasn’t really something Changkyun did that often, always being rather mature compared to some of the other members of the group, so Jooheon simply loved when the maknae showed that side of him. It was precious because it was rare, so he felt like he should catch and keep those moments locked in his memory whenever they happened.

“You’re a baby… and you’re taking baby steps. That’s cute,” he chose to half-tease him, not thinking much about it.

“Maybe I’m learning from you,” Changkyun half-teased right back. It was true that Jooheon was considered to be a bigger baby of the group than maknae, but the words Changkyun just directed at him went beyond that simple meaning. He bit his lip, hesitating for a moment before deciding to elaborate. “You took baby steps with me… back then. Six years ago,” he added quietly.

“Kyun-ah…” Jooheon’s facial expression softened, watching him. “We all did really…”

“You were the first,” Changkyun interrupted him firmly. “It meant so much to me.”

“You don’t need to say it, I might have done it so that we could all start functioning together, because that’s what we just had to do, but I also knew it was hard for you, so… someone needed to do it, I just happened to be the first,” Jooheon smiled, keeping his eyes on him.

“Someone needed to do it… that’s not true, though. You did it,” Changkyun was persistent.

“Kyun, I know you were grateful for it,” the older rapper nodded.

“I was more than grateful,” the maknae smiled a bit, as if remembering a fond memory – something one wouldn’t exactly associate with his No Mercy time. “I kind of had a major crush on you during that time. For quite a long time,” he admitted, unsure if talking about it was the best decision, but he felt like letting that information slip out now, after so many years and after today. Letting Jooheon know suddenly felt liberating, like allowing himself to make friends earlier today did. Suddenly, he wanted Jooheon to know.

“What?” Jooheon chuckled, surprised, definitely not expecting such a confession.

“Well… yeah,” Changkyun chuckled too. “You were everything I wanted to be, so I really admired you… and then that situation – me becoming a part of No Mercy and the moment I joined I was scared you would end up hating me, but then you were the one who helped out the most and that made me admire you even more. When Monsta X was formed leaving Gun behind I was scared again, you two were supposed to debut together, you two were supposed to be Monsta X rappers, not me…”

“Stop, Kyun, you are a Monsta X rapper because that was your spot – back then just as much as now,” Jooheon replied without a hint of hesitation, voice stern in a mixture of annoyance and anger. “We talked about this, do we need to have that talk again?”

“I know, I… that was what I thought back then, you know that. I felt guilty and I was so afraid you’d definitely start hating me for taking Gun’s spot. But even then, you didn’t,” Changkyun smiled, glancing away for a moment.

“I don’t know if I should be offended that you thought so poorly of me or if I should scold you for not appreciating yourself more,” Jooheon shook his head, trying to process the conversation they were having.

“You don’t get it,” the maknae laughed. “You were this unreachable, awesome guy I looked up to and really, really liked. I was afraid you were going to be hurt, you were hurting because of me.”

“I was never unreachable, Changkyun,” Jooheon laughed too. “And in all these years you never hurt me.”

“I was a kid,” Changkyun looked back at him again, smiling goofily, trying to lighten up the conversation, almost regretting starting it.

“You’re still a kid,” the older one replied.

“Maybe…” the maknae agreed. “I can’t believe you didn’t know.”

“About you crushing on me?” Jooheon laughed. “How could I?”

“So, I was good,” Changkyun nodded. “Good to know.”

“But… for a long time? How long?” 

“I don’t know really… a couple of comebacks?” the answer was vague, but Changkyun was well aware how gradually uncomfortable with the subject he was getting.

“A couple of comebacks? Really?” Jooheon replied, looking pretty surprised. “How about now?” he asked, trying to mask it as a joke, but actually being curious.

“Don’t be ridiculous…” the younger one laughed, shaking his head and leaning back, ready to change the subject while making sure to keep the eye contact with his fellow rapper, securing the mask of nonchalance over the talk that was supposed to be just a harmless, funny story of the past.

“Why? Am I not charming anymore? You stopped admiring me? What made you stop liking me?” he chuckled too, Changkyun’s gaze making him feel safe joking about it.

“You became family, dork!” the maknae laughed. “I know all your nasty habits now,” he added, for good measure. Jooheon pouted playfully and dropped the subject, making him internally sigh as they both turned to focus on work.

The lie was painful.


	9. Perpetuum mobile

The feeling of soft curved lips against his own gave him a sense of freedom. A long time had passed since he felt it for the first time, but the feeling returned every single time and, after so many years, it was one of those things Hyungwon was sure were there to stay. The kisses he accepted and returned were gentle even when they were filled with want, rushed and needy. They felt like reassurance, again and again, pulling the tall dancer in as his body shifted closer to the smooth, naked chest, unable to resist the safe warmth his lover wrapped around him whenever they were close.

Settling down on firm thighs, he felt the older man’s hands push his unbuttoned shirt off his shoulders, the fabric slipping down effortlessly as Hoseok broke the kiss and his lips trailed along Hyungwon’s jawline and down his neck. Teeth only ever grazed his skin as the composer always kept in mind what might be exposed to public, even though Hyungwon’s outfits usually covered more of his body than the rest of their group. Still, the taller man found the light contact exhilarating and shivered under it, anticipating more. The lightness was almost always accompanied by firmer hold of Hoseok’s hands, this time on his back, pressing him closer and grounding him to their mutual desire.

Hyungwon could breathe it, much like still tasting Hoseok on his tongue and watching him feel more of his skin. The hint of amazement always lingered as the older vocalist’s expressions clearly gave away the impressions awakened by the perceptions. Hoseok always looked overwhelmed, basking in everything that was Hyungwon. The younger dancer knew it was genuine, like he knew that he was attractive, but there was something about his lover’s reactions that simply made him feel like the most precious being there is. For Hyungwon, it was the other way around.

Sliding his hands down Hoseok’s marble-like torso, he pushed himself away enough to be able to sink down on his knees and looked back up, chuckling lightly when his best friend cupped his cheeks and leaned down to kiss him again. He pushed Hoseok’s boxers down a bit, freeing his cock and starting stroking it as he moaned into the kiss, playing with the older boy’s tongue and tasting him more, growing greedier for everything he knew he was going to get. 

Reluctantly, he broke the kiss and leaned down to swirl his tongue around the head of Hoseok’s cock, licking the precum and pressing against the slit for a moment before he dove down, taking the length into his mouth swiftly. Moving his hands along the older man’s thighs he pushed them apart and settled in between them, sucking on the erection more harshly than usual and loving the groans bouncing off the walls of Hoseok’s room. He looked up at his best friend, making sure not to miss the look in his eyes that he loved so much and started moving. 

“Fuck… Won…” the moan followed the shorter vocalist’s fingers lacing the strands of Hyungwon’s messy dark hair, making another wave of shivers run down his body. With Hoseok it was always the double perception, sounds intertwining with touches, lightness with firmness, heart fluttering combined with overwhelming need. Hyungwon loved all of it combined, leaving him breathless and drunk, floating under the influence of his lover by the end of it all.

He sucked harder, bobbing his head up and down faster as he closed his eyes to let the perceptions overwhelm him, heavy erection on his tongue grounding him once again. Holding onto Hoseok’s thighs tightly, he finally pulled away and licked his lips, moving to his feet and taking off his own boxers, only to be pulled back down onto his best friend’s lap. He spread his legs, resting his knees beside Hoseok’s thighs and watched the older vocalist coat his fingers with lube before rubbing two of them against his hole and slipping them in a moment later.

“God, you’re impatient…” Hyungwon breathed out, holding onto his shoulders, his lower lip disappearing in his mouth as he bit on it.

“You are too…” Hoseok replied, looking up at him as he started thrusting his fingers in and out of him. “Good that you don’t need much preparation,” he smirked right after and surprised Hyungwon with a third finger, bringing a low moan out of him.

“Fuck… more…” the taller dancer groaned, pushing his hips back against Hoseok’s hand and slipping one of his hands into his hair, tugging it and tilting his head back as he leaned down to kiss him hard. He felt Hoseok pull out his fingers after another long moment and whimpered in protest against his lips, waiting to be guided to his erection instead.

Once the tip of thick arousal kissed his entrance Hyungwon felt himself sinking down, the familiar burning pleasure making him grip Hoseok’s hair tighter and growl into the kiss. He couldn’t remember any other mixture of perceptions that could make him feel the way he felt every time he had sex with his best friend. Maybe because in that gasping breath there was no place for anything else, the feeling of merging into one entity consuming every inch of his being, mixing contrasting sensations into a strange harmony and simply leaving him hyper aware of it all, but most of all himself, feeling alive. Maybe it was just special – because of those exact reasons. Hyungwon didn’t even feel the need to question it. It was one of those simple truths.

With Hoseok everything was just simple. Not always, of course, but most of the time. They clicked in strange ways, separate, but easily tangled to form what seemed to be a perfect shape, beautiful in simplicity, but much more complex beneath the surface. Nothing was ever perfect, but it was still beautiful. It was comprised of bonds that were hard to break, strong, capable of enduring whatever life had in store for it. At least that’s what Hyungwon was sure of. With Hoseok it was all about the endless flow of energy. Sometimes they existed separately but together, parallel lines taking turns and meeting here and there, sometimes clashing, but always intertwining in the end and going forward together.

As that thought crossed his mind, Hyungwon pressed himself closer to his lover, wrapping his arms tightly around his neck and started his sensual ride, meeting that heated gaze once again. Another wave of heat traveled down his body at the way Hoseok watched him and he licked his lips, rolling his hips against the older man’s and clenching around his arousal. 

“Won…” tightening his hold on the younger dancer’s hips, the composer groaned and switched their position, pressing Hyungwon into the mattress as he picked up the pace, thrusting into him relentlessly in a matter of seconds. The younger man raised his arms and gripped the edge of the bed behind him, holding tightly and feeling the orgasm creeping up on him with every precise hit to his prostate. He moaned loudly, arching his back and struggling to keep his eyes open and on his best friend, not willing to give up on any expression painting his face, greedily drinking it all and smiling at the familiar intoxication running through his veins.

Hoseok smiled right back and wrapped his hand around Hyungwon’s leaking erection, palm sliding up and down it effortlessly in time with his thrusts. The edge was right there, they could both see it clearly, the tingling sensation and reflections in the dark pools focused on each other once again merging to rush together towards it. The jump was exhilarating because they weren’t alone.

“You’re mindblowing,” Hyungwon gasped, causing Hoseok to chuckle as it wasn’t the first time to hear it. The younger vocalist knew how to be blunt, but actually saying it didn’t have anything to do with either his bluntness or closeness to Hoseok. He still got shy, still quiet when it came to expressing his emotions. There were moments, like this, when speaking up felt normal, maybe even necessary. Hyungwon just needed Hoseok to hear it – it was a simple fact, without a special reason. It wasn’t like Hoseok needed reassurance, reassurance was something he got in return. Those words just belonged in the air around the two of them, like another layer of cozy blanket.

The older vocalist grabbed the tissues and cleaned them the best he could before laying down next to him and pressing a gentle kiss to his lips, smiling against them when Hyungwon shifted closer and threw one arm around him.

“How much time do you have?” he asked, not pulling away, secretly wishing they could just be lazy. Idol life didn’t work like that most of the time, though.

“None,” Hyungwon sighed softly. “I need to take a quick shower and run…”

“You should grab something to eat too,” Hoseok replied, frowning slightly when the tall beauty already moved to get up and grabbed some clean clothes, ready to go to the bathroom.

“I ate you,” Hyungwon cheekily replied and laughed, already stepping out of the room.

“Kihyun left some food for you…” the composer called out, sitting up too. “I’m serious, Won!”

“Yes, alright...” he could hear from the hallway before he let himself drop back down on the bed, a small smile emphasizing his naturally curved lips a bit more.

Typing a short message into a group chat she shared with Hyungwon and Miran, Songhee threw her backpack over her shoulder and hurried to the Starship building. She was running late, thanks to the meeting with her new client, as distrusting and obnoxious as they come and she was done with the world for today, the fan meeting being the only thing to look forward to.

Hyungwon and the rest of their little group must have already gathered when she sent the message, but she found a little bit of comfort in the fact that her meeting didn’t take place that far from the company. 

“At least something good today,” the short girl muttered to herself as she practically ran into the building, showing her pass and quickly jumping into the elevator. Glancing at the mirror she sighed, the reflection looking back at her appearing like a different person from what she identified herself as. Looking away she took out her phone and checked Hyungwon’s message telling her it’s alright and that they’d be waiting and instantly smiled, in time with elevator reaching the 3rd floor.

“Hey,” she smiled once again as she entered the room, walking over to the group sitting down on the floor in the resting area. They appeared to be cozy, basically cuddled up like that, surrounded with pillows and blankets and Songhee couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit better just by looking at them. Practically dumping her backpack nearby, she took off her coat and joined them, immediately rolling up the sleeves of her white shirt, too formal for her liking.

“Hey,” Hyungwon replied, raising his eyebrow slightly and then eyeing her black trousers and white shirt. “You look…”

“Not like myself?” she offered, mimicking his facial expression and glancing at her trousers too. “Yeah, well… this is not my preferred dress code, I agree.”

“Did you run here? You didn’t have to,” the tall dancer looked at his watch as they had barely started the fan meeting.

“Oh, I had to, trust me,” Songhee replied, chuckling a bit as she started tying her hair, slowly relaxing and realizing just how much she has been on edge the whole day.

“What happened?” Hyungwon asked next, keeping his eyes on her and clearly sensing something wasn’t right.

“Oh just… regular day at work,” she tried to dismiss it, not sure if she should start ranting as she didn’t really feel like they were close enough for her to bother him and the rest of the group with it.

“The message you sent literally said “I’m late, fuck my life.” Now I want to know what happened so that life doesn’t get fucked for real,” Hyungwon crossed his arms, waiting for her to start talking. When she bit her lip, hesitating still, he continued. “You want us to become friends, right? Friends talk. Hit us with it. What’s wrong?”

“It’s just…” she sighed, shifting a bit and pausing for a moment to gather her thoughts. “It’s something I’m used to and it doesn’t surprise me, but it’s still frustrating from time to time and sometimes makes me loathe the job I really love.”

“Songhee, talk. You didn’t tell us anything,” Miran turned a bit to look at her more comfortably.

“Me looking like this,” the petite girl motioned to her appearance with her hands.

“You look cute,” Hyungwon deadpanned, not understanding.

“Exactly,” she replied. “No one takes me seriously. When I meet up with clients they usually think I’m too young and inexperienced and unreliable, not to mention a girl – even if my boss recommends me for the job,” she explained. “It’s ridiculous how much of an influence my appearance has on someone’s opinion of my skills as a professional. I work as an event organizer, a capable one at that, I worked on so many big projects for my company already and it took me ages to prove myself to my superiors. I honestly don’t feel like proving myself to random people who know nothing about the job or me over and over again,” she fumed.

“You mean clients,” Yewon supplied. Working with people wasn’t easy and the younger girl understood that very well, being the one meeting new clients all the time as well.

“They hire us because they want professionals. So they should let those professionals do their job and trust us,” Songhee let out an exasperated sigh as she finished. “I mean, alright, I get it. And I get that they’re clients and I should stay all composed and professional, but it seriously gets on my nerves… This shirt is suffocating me,” she added, unbuttoning two more buttons of her shirt, revealing a white tank top underneath. “I had another old stuck-up client earlier, that’s why I’m late. I tend to avoid dress code normally, depending on the job, but today I couldn’t, because according to my boss “this client is too important” – meaning he’s a rich jerk full of prejudices towards young petite women having a brain,” she finished.

“Well… Actually, I can relate to that,” Hyungwon commented once she stopped talking.

“To being a young petite woman with a brain?” Songhee joked, wiggling her eyebrows at him playfully, causing him to laugh.

“Now, that’s better,” he pointed at her. “But seriously, people judging based on your appearance? I’m pretty sure I have a lot of experience with that,” he smiled. “The resident meme king slash model slash that tall dude who doesn’t have a position in Monsta X other than being a visual. Chae Hyungwon everyone,” he chuckled again. “I know it’s annoying as much as I know I’m more than that. It takes time to accept that you being aware of your own worth and people who matter around you being aware of it too might just be enough,” he reached over to take Songhee’s hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

“But it is enough. I know it might be something you’d consider easy for me to say and I know it takes a lot of time and effort to come to terms with it, but it’s just something I would recommend you to practice. That kind of mindset. Changing people – especially people who come and go and are not important to you in a long term – is usually impossible and definitely not worth the effort. On the other hand, people who do matter will recognize your worth sooner or later. But I think you already know that.”

“Yeah…” Songhee nodded a bit, looking down at their hands for a moment. “I mean, I’ll go back and do my job and those stuck-up people with prejudices will understand what I’m made of. It just goes like that. It’s just that it’s a neverending circle that keeps repeating and I get tired of it.”

“That neverending circle will break eventually though,” Miran replied. “I mean, it will end. Like Hyungwon said, it’s not really comforting, but it’s the truth as well.”

“It’s just frustration… I mean, I’m alright, I know it all. I just needed to let it out, I guess,” Songhee looked at her friend, knowing she understood as much as she knew they were both right.

“You did. That’s why we’re here,” Hyungwon smiled again.

“I wouldn’t have talked about it if you hadn’t probed,” she glared at him playfully.

“I know. And I couldn’t let that happen,” he replied, looking satisfied. “You’re really cute though, I’d much rather have you organize any of my events than some formal looking dude with a stick up his ass shattering his soul to pieces.”

“Wow… that’s too much of a poetic description for a boring person,” she laughed, along with the rest of the group.

“Yeah well, the point is that I would definitely want you, in some crazy, colorful shirt, jeans and a pair of Converse, bringing color and creativity and making it all fun,” Hyungwon continued, smiling as his other fans nodded, agreeing with him. “Wait, you didn’t go to that formal meeting in those shoes?” he then asked, eyeing Songhee’s Converse shoes, looking as petite and adorable as the girl herself was.

“I have high heels in my backpack,” she whispered as if sharing some dark secret, causing the handsome dancer to laugh again.

“You’re so cute…” Hyungwon shook his head, happy that their little conversation managed to make her feel better.

“Oh shut up,” Songhee laughed again and turned to their other friends, ready to change the subject. As expected, the fan meeting – or rather the precious meeting of friends became the best part of her day. Much to all of their delight, life escaped getting fucked.


	10. Of friendships and first kisses

Tucking back a distracting strand of her long black hair, Hyojin leaned back in her seat and took a sip of her iced Americano. It was a sunny day, even though it was still rather cold, appropriate for the middle of March. Still, the twenty one year old girl sipped on the cold coffee she loved so much, the beverage being a tiny spark of rebellion against her rather organized and disciplined life.

Her usual table at the café she liked so much was next to the window and she loved looking at the people passing by, most of them rushing to some seemingly important destination Hyojin could only conjure in her imagination. She enjoyed looking at all those unfamiliar faces, their formal or casual attire and the way they moved, while making up interesting stories hiding behind their appearances. They would enter her line of vision and quickly disappear from it, but the image lingered in her mind for a bit longer as she entertained herself with the possible unraveling of the mystery they were to her. Strangers waiting for their stories to be told – and everyone’s story deserved to be heard.

Naturally, Hyojin couldn’t focus on everyone, but a quick pace of light steps here and a colorful scarf there and she would open her notebook to scribble some thoughts, sketch an image tickling her imagination and inspiring her. Usually the quiet girl loved expressing her thoughts and feelings about those imaginary stories in more than one way, be it a play with words or her body movements. Most of the time they didn’t cancel out one another, but rather worked in unison – the stories put on paper taking another form in the dance studio she spent a big part of her days in.

Her eyes lingered on a couple of words she wrote before she took another sip of her coffee and looked out of the window again. The café was cozy, warm and smelt of freshly brewed coffee and that was exactly the reason why it was her favorite place during the cold winter. Especially after a morning dance practice, like now. It was close to noon, which meant she had another hour before she had to head to the Starship building. The thought brought a smile to her face, she loved days that allowed her little moments of relaxation in between a packed schedule, physically straining dance practices, university responsibilities and evening work. Small portions of time for enjoying herself without doing anything she “was supposed to do” was also something she was trying to integrate into her everyday life and it seemed like she was finally managing to do it, making her feel more accomplished and well-organized than before. To the outside world it might have appeared silly, but self-care was important, as much as nurturing her inner child and it brought sparks of happiness to Hyojin.

Deep in thought and focused on a small dog playing with its owner right across the street, the long haired girl didn’t notice someone familiar approaching her table, until she heard a hesitating “hi” and turned to look at the tall boy in front of her.

“Hajoon! Hi.” she responded, slightly surprised to see him and taking a moment to gesture for him to sit down in front of her, once she realized he was trying to ask her if she minded him joining her. “What brings you here?”

“I was in the neighborhood... the café looked nice,” he replied, putting his bag down and taking a seat, then looked at her. “You?”

“This is my second home basically,” Hyojin chuckled, watching the waiter bring Hajoon’s coffee over and smiling a bit at him as she nodded. Turning back to her handsome friend she continued. “It’s really peaceful and cozy here, I just grew used to coming all the time. The coffee is great too.”

Hajoon nodded a bit, carefully tasting his coffee and smiled.

“You’re right, it’s good,” he commented, looking back at her, appearing somewhat embarrassed. “I’m not bothering you, am I?” he asked.

“No, of course not,” she dismissed it immediately. “It’s been a long while since we last saw each other… if we don’t count fan meetings, that is.”

“You’re right,” Hajoon agreed once again. “I was kind of glad we, at least, saw each other there.”

“I’m always right, I’m glad you’re finally agreeing, after all these years,” she joked. “And I thought you didn’t find me cool enough to hang out with anymore.”

“What? Why would I think that?” he looked at her, alarmed that she misunderstood something. It had been such a long time since they stopped spending time together that he couldn’t even recall if he ever did something for her to think that.

“Relax, I’m joking,” Hyojin laughed, shaking her head. “I missed you though,” she added right after, smiling.

“Yeah, well…” the boy blushed lightly, not used to people saying it so honestly, but this was Hyojin and he wasn’t surprised. They’d been friends since they were kids, up until the moment she moved away from their neighborhood and different schools and environments caused them to naturally drift apart. Hajoon was sad that they stopped hanging out as Hyojin was one of the rare people he actually considered friends back when they were little, but even now, sitting across from each other and drinking coffee he felt like the distance shrank with each passing moment. “We should have done this earlier,” he smiled, still feeling much more comfortable with her than with anyone else.

“We’ll do it from now on then,” she simply replied. “We should also catch up on each other,” she chuckled. “What’s up? I noticed you’re as shy and nerdy as ever, even with looking like that and having all the girls swoon over you.” 

“Oh god, that’s embarrassing,” he laughed, shaking his head.

“But it’s true. And we just established that I’m always right,” Hyojin grinned, moving her hair to her back as the strand almost slipped into her cup of coffee.

“Will you stop saying that?” 

“Never,” she laughed once again. “Come on, Hajoon-ah… look,” she motioned with her head slightly, looking over at two girls obviously stealing glances at him. Hajoon looked over hesitantly and then quickly turned back to his friend, resting his elbow on the table and almost burying his face into his palm. “Don’t be shy!” Hyojin continued to laugh, patting his arm. “I’m kind of proud I stole your first kiss.”

“We were eight,” he glared at her.

“Yes, well, I had no idea you’d become all handsome and smart… now I can brag,” she joked, watching him chuckle a bit. “How are your studies going?”

“Fine… it’s tiring, but yeah, I’m doing okay,” Hajoon nodded, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Well, if anyone can do it it’s you,” she nodded.

“How about you?” he asked back. “Still dancing like your life depends on it?”

“I’m telling my stories, that’s what having a life means, you dork!” Hyojin half-teased again. “It’s still a lot of work, but that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m happy I find inspiration everywhere actually,” she nodded. “And I’m trying to manage my time well, find time for myself… oh, you know, I’ve been doing both classical and modern ballet nowadays.”

“Ah really?” he tilted his head, not knowing much about dance in general, even though he enjoyed watching other people dance.

“Yeah… I ventured into contemporary ballet during the past three years and joined a small theatre troupe this year. It’s so much fun really, I feel like an excited child starting to dance all over again. I don’t know, it gives me a different sense of freedom, I feel I can tell more personal stories this way,” she babbled and laughed at the end, knowing she sounded like an excited teenager. “I still do classical… it’s a bit hard to balance, but I enjoy it,” she paused to finish her coffee. “You should come watch a performance when you have time… bring a date,” she couldn’t help but tease again, wiggling her eyebrows comically.

“Stop…” he groaned, laughing. “I’ll come some time… I’m afraid waiting for that date will leave you old and unable to dance anymore.”

“You know, I plan to dance even when I turn eighty, so feel free to take your time,” Hyojin replied. “But I wouldn't keep all those girls waiting if I were you.”

“Okay, change the subject, please?” Hajoon gave her what was supposed to be a stern look. “You must be glad that Minwoo hyung is back.”

“Well… it’s not like we were friends before he went abroad,” she shrugged, leaning back. “I mean, we barely knew each other – apart from both being dancers and Monsta X fans. He finished school before I enrolled, after all. We have some mutual friends, but he’s been away for a long time… I actually heard he came to the theatre last week. I don’t know why though,” she explained.

“Hyojin-ah, you’re talking to me. I mean, we haven’t really spent time together in like… what? Five or six years? But I still clearly remember you being all like “ooh, there’s this really cool dancer… let me show you some videos…”. You even dragged me to some school performance back when you hadn’t even applied for that school yet!”

“Yeah, okay, he has always been a good dancer,” Hyojin shrugged again, drinking a bit of water.

“Yeah and you were fangirling,” he teased.

“I just appreciated the art.”

“Oh my god,” Hajoon laughed for real.

“Yah… that’s not what I meant and you know it,” she protested quickly, then huffed. “Oh god… we’re colleagues now, he’s a sunbae I respect. You’re being a child!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say,” he smirked, finishing his coffee as well and feeling good. “We should definitely spend more time together,” he added quietly, looking over at her smiling back at him and realizing that indeed, he missed her very much.

When they entered room 31 the pair of newly found old friends found Hyunwoo already chatting with Seulgi and the rest of their group. Monsta X's leader turned around to look at them once he heard the door open and raised an eyebrow, surprised to see them together.

“Hi!” he smiled. “How come you two are together?” he bluntly asked, not pausing to think that they maybe just ran into each other before coming in.

“We’re friends,” Hajoon replied, walking over to them and taking a seat as Hyojin did the same. He then chuckled a bit. “I can make friends hyung, I’m not as hopeless as you think,” he joked.

“I know that,” Hyunwoo chuckled too, feeling embarrassed for reacting like that.

“I’m joking. Kind of,” the younger boy added and then continued. “We’re actually old friends.”

“I stole his first kiss!” Hyojin grinned.

“Oh god, not that again,” Hajoon laughed, shaking his head and causing the rest of the group to chuckle.

“What?” Seulgi looked at the both of them. “Why don’t I know this?”

“We were eight,” the shy boy stated. “She will never stop bringing that up.”

“I’m bragging, we agreed on this,” the ballerina defended herself.

“I honestly don’t want that rubbed in.”

“Watch me wait for you to find a girlfriend and telling her that when I meet her,” she smirked.

“I’m not coming to any of your performances, like, ever,” Hajoon deadpanned. “Why did I agree on hanging out with you again?”

“You approached me first today. Don’t pretend that you don’t love me,” she continued to tease before she noticed Hyunwoo watching both of them in amusement and shutting up.

“Let me get this straight. You guys have been friends since you were little and none of us knew that?” Hyunwoo started. “How?”

“We kind of… drifted apart,” Hyojin shrugged slightly. “We used to be neighbors when we were kids and we were really close back then, but then my family moved when I was fourteen and… we just lost contact? We ran into each other three years later at a Monsta X fansign and since then we’ve been seeing each other whenever we would meet you, but that was it.” 

“I actually wanted to get in touch again when the project started… I just didn’t get the chance until today,” Hajoon said. “We just had coffee together… and she’s still the same dork she used to be,” he laughed.

“Yah… nerd,” she huffed in reply. Monsta X's leader still watched them in slight amazement. 

“You guys… it feels like Monsta X brought you together again,” he felt silly stating it even if it was true.

“You guys brought a lot of people together, that’s not weird,” Seulgi replied to him. “These two just happened to be friends before, so that maybe makes it more meaningful… in some strange way. But it is true that a lot of us met a lot of wonderful people thanks to our love for your music and you.”

“Are you touched?” Hyojin asked, watching the tall dancer as he remained silent for a moment.

“I think I always am when it comes to you guys,” Hyunwoo laughed a bit, slightly embarrassed by the way his heart filled with warmth as he looked at all of them.

“Hey, Kyunnie?” Hyunwoo smiled as he slowly entered Changkyun’s studio.

“Hyung! Hi,” Monsta X's maknae turned in his chair and stood up, walking over to his hyung as the older man put the still warm package of fried chicken on the table. “What brings you here?”

“I just wanted to check up on you. You’ve been working a lot lately, we haven’t seen you properly for a couple of days,” Hyunwoo sat down, looking up at him and waiting for him to join him.

“I started working on my new mixtape,” Changkyun replied. Monsta X leader understood what that meant. Changkyun tended to lose track of time when he was working, much like Hoseok.

“I also wanted to distract you a bit… I had a nice fan meeting today,” he added, looking happy and the younger boy chuckled at that as he opened the package of food and started eating, nodding at him to continue. “I feel like I’m more relaxed with them now, but that’s because they make it easy for me,” he chuckled.

“I expected that, hyung,” Changkyun nodded. “I’m pretty sure they knew you needed a push.”

“It’s just really easy to talk to them… and I also feel like I’m beginning to realize some things. Like… this might sound somewhat cocky, but it’s like… we mean a lot to them. Not just because of the music or because of our relationship with them, but also because we bring more than that to them,” Hyunwoo elaborated, getting a piece of chicken too.

“What do you mean?” the maknae looked at him.

“Friendships for example. I mean I knew Monbebe meet each other and bond over their love for our music, but since they were all fans that we meet and interact with for short periods of time I didn’t have the chance to actually see those friendships up close. Now it feels like they’re letting me be a part of that circle of friends, I guess.”

“Ah… yeah, that’s true. I feel it too,” Changkyun smiled, nodding again. “It’s pretty special.”

“I was so touched today,” Hyunwoo laughed.

“Hyung is a softie,” the rapper teased, grinning at him. “I’m trying to open up too.”

“That’s great, Kyun-ah,” the tall dancer smiled, eating more. 

“I know you all wanted me to make friends.”

“You make it sound like you’re an outcast…” Hyunwoo shook his head.

“No, hyung, I know it’s not that,” Changkyun hurriedly protested. “I know that you’re right. I’m going to try,” he nodded firmly, then sighed a bit. “I… I actually told Jooheon about me crushing on him.” The leader stopped what he was doing and looked at him at that. “In past tense. I told him I used to have a crush on him… since No Mercy for a long time… and that I don’t feel like that anymore.”

“So you lied,” Hyunwoo pointed out, not liking the situation one bit.

“I just… I felt like letting it out, but then I obviously couldn’t say I still have those feelings, because he obviously doesn’t and I couldn’t make it all awkward and weird and… yes, I lied,” the younger boy babbled and sighed in the end, feeling defeated.

“Changkyun… I don’t know what to tell you. Did you at least feel better letting it out?” Hyunwoo softly asked, as if afraid to hurt him in any way.

“I don’t feel good about lying to him. And I’m worried I made it awkward either way. I mean he was just surprised and then we eventually moved on like nothing happened, but it did happen and I’m not sure if he just wants to pretend it didn’t. I’m not sure what hurts more. I’m not even sure if I should regret doing it or not.”

“So you’re using your studio as your hiding place?”

“Maybe… partly. I don’t know,” the maknae sighed once again. “I really feel bad about lying. I never lie to Jooheon. It… it almost feels like I betrayed his trust. I laughed it off when he asked about how I feel now. I said something like “I started living with you and my feelings went away”. And you know it was the opposite,” he shook his head, chuckling bitterly.

“I still don’t know what to tell you. If you want to tell him the truth…”

“No! I can’t… he doesn’t see me that way, it will be a disaster,” Changkyun hurriedly rejected.

“Don’t be so dramatic. He’s your best friend, you mean so much to him and you know it,” Hyunwoo scolded and then nodded. “Alright… then if you want for things to go back to the way they were then you will have to stop hiding and do your best to become comfortable with Jooheon again,” he paused, watching him. “You won’t fool him twice, Changkyun.”

“I wasn’t trying to fool him…” Changkyun pouted. “I’m just scared.”

“It’s Jooheon. I think you know there’s nothing to be scared of,” Hyunwoo smiled a bit. “Just… be careful,” he softly added. There were many things those two words could be referring to, but Changkyun’s heart was the most important.


	11. Twist and turn

Jooheon watched his Honeybees doing their best to perform. Bomi insisted on trying out a rap battle, like that one time they disturbed the peace at 5am. Now, he was having the time of his life, laughing along and simply having fun. Most of his fans weren’t really rapper material, but there were two girls who were not bad at all – to the point that he would’ve loved to hear them practice more and get better, maybe eventually applying for some hip hop tv show or audition for an entertainment company. However, both Sungkyung and Jahyun declined such praise the moment he voiced it, preferring to keep it a hobby instead. With the rest of the group being pretty bad, the fanmeeting soon turned into a comedy talent show and soon Jooheon jumped in as well, his variety skills taking over until the whole crew basically rolled around in laughter.

“This was so much fun…” Hana laughed, sitting on the floor and resting her back against the wall, trying to catch her breath.

“Yah… I know I’m a genius,” Bomi teasingly smirked and winked at her best friend, turning to look at Jooheon once he spoke again.

“You couldn’t rap if your life depended on it though,” he laughed again.

“But I have better variety skills than you,” she shot right back, grinning.

“Wow… the disrespect,” Jooheon fake-gasped and ruffled her already messy hair, before sitting back down as well. 

“Writing lyrics and rapping looks so hard…” Minkyung, a petite girl with green and blue highlights said, looking at him. “How does it usually go for you?”

“Ah… well, it depends. But when you practice a lot and do it constantly it kind of flows more easily. I must say I love it the most when a thought just strikes me, an idea comes and then all the words just rush in and I need to write them down fast before they disappear as quickly as they came. I feel like those are the most powerful as well, since they come so naturally. Most of the time though they need molding, finding the right words… I think about them a lot, get myself into that state of mind I guess and well… it’s just brainstorming,” Jooheon smiled. “And I really love it. It’s like you’re breathing what you want to convey, form a story and exhale it to the rest of the world. Or well, for whoever wants to hear it. That’s also why people who listen are important to all of us. Not because you guys enjoy it, but rather because you understand what we’re trying to say. It’s not just lyrics that need to be understood, I’m talking about music itself, without words, as it’s a form of expression that speaks its own messages. But yeah, enjoyment is just the consequence. At least I think so – you have to understand something before you grow to love it.”

“That’s pretty deep,” Hana watched him, slightly surprised by the explanation.

“No… I mean, not really. It’s just how it works. I mean, that’s how I see it,” the rapper nodded. “What else do you want to know?” he looked around, curious if they had more questions about his work.

“How is it working with other members?” Bomi asked.

“Well…” Jooheon paused to think for a moment, never really having been asked to explain before. “Hoseok hyung usually likes working alone, but we all stop by his studio and listen to the progress. I think it’s valuable to him, it’s like he’s collecting bits and pieces of our thoughts and gives it a lot of thought himself while creating more music. He has always had this distinct Hoseok vibe he puts into his work. I actually think we all feel special when we recognize a bit of us integrated into it in a way we didn’t even think of. He just takes our opinions and molds them more and in the end you don’t really know how he did it, but it somehow becomes more meaningful and kind of… right,” he finished.

“That sounds really cool,” Minkyung commented again.

“Yeah, it really is,” Jooheon chuckled. “I mean, we’ve grown used to Hoseok hyung working like that, but somehow we keep getting surprised by how his music turns out over and over again and we love it,” he nodded. “I like working alone too, but I don’t mind having someone beside me either. Kihyun hyung sometimes spends a lot of time with me in that sense actually. He listens and helps out, sometimes it’s like a game, he begins improvising, adding adlibs and then I get more ideas out of that, so it develops more. It’s brainstorming together, so that’s fun. Minhyuk hyung usually comes as a breath of fresh air on the days when I get stuck too,” Jooheon chuckled again. “It’s a different perspective in a fun way too. Sometimes I’m not sure if he does it intentionally, but it helps and he’s aware of that, so yeah… we just work like that.”

“So, you kind of make music together with the rest of the members?” Hana asked.

“They’re a part of it in one way or another – be it their point of view or me keeping in mind they’re going to perform that music, so it needs to be a part of them as well,” Jooheon nodded. “A lot of times I go to Changkyun or he comes to me and we work together. We’re different, but it works great, it has always been that way. I believe that’s because we’re different and at the same time we grew to learn about each other, so we understand and influence each other in what I believe to be a good way. Changkyun used to be very insecure about his music in the beginning, but the rest of the group supported him along the way, so he grew in that sense. I guess it’s the same with me,” he paused, thinking about it again. “We might be the most relaxed with each other too because of that process going throughout the years. Now it’s just natural to work together or to help each other when we’re not sure how we feel about our own stuff.”

“Because you’re both rappers and the youngest in the group?” Bomi asked.

“I think it’s a part of it, yes. He probably thinks it’s also because we opened up to each other early on and then became best friends because we grew close naturally. I think it’s all of that combined,” Jooheon smiled. “I just… I’m happy we have him.”

“Monsta X wouldn’t be Monsta X without any of its members,” Sungkyung smiled.

“Yeah, it’s something a lot of people keep saying – to the point where it becomes rather cheesy and makes those words lose their meaning. But I feel like it’s actually the only truth that matters in the end,” Jooheon nodded, his smile showing just how much he loved his members and how deeply he believed all of them molded their group into what it was – right from the beginning.

“I managed to pull Changkyun out of his hole!” Minhyuk bounced into Jooheon’s studio, pulling the maknae of Monsta X along with him. Jooheon chuckled lightly as he looked at both of them and moved to take the bag with drinks Minhyuk held up for him.

“You look like you haven’t slept for a week, Kyun-ah,” he commented as the other two boys sat down on the couch.

“You’ve been working a lot too,” the youngest almost huffed in reply before rubbing his eyes. “But yes, I’m tired.”

“You really should take a break, get some rest, then you can look at it with fresh mind,” Jooheon replied, getting the drinks out of the bag and giving them to his friends. “I can help you too if you want.”

“Ah, no… maybe later. I want to work on it by myself for now,” Changkyun quickly declined, shaking his head. “I’m alright, really, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” the older rapper replied quietly, watching him for a moment before Minhyuk jumped in.

“You had your fan meeting today, right?” the vocalist asked, looking at him curiously.

“Yeah, it was very fun,” Jooheon sat back down, his face lighting up slightly. “We had a rap battle and it was hilarious really. Some fans are really talented though, I was surprised. But yeah, we had a lot of fun altogether… Oh and there was another fan… Ara? I think that’s her name,” he furrowed his eyebrows, pretty sure he remembered her from some fansign.

“Ah… she was actually at my fan meeting too,” Changkyun nodded suddenly. “I think she’s Kihyun hyung’s fan,” he added. “I didn’t know she went to other fan meetings too.”

“Maybe she wanted to check it out?” Minhyuk offered. “I’m so focused on my fans that I kind of forgot they can go to other fan meetings too.”

“Yeah, me too,” the maknae nodded. 

“What was she like?” the vocalist asked.

“She was pretty quiet today… tried to rap, but I guess my fans were a bit wild today,” Jooheon started.

“You have Bomi, hyung,” Changkyun laughed. “She’s as wild as you can get.”

“Yeah, okay… but still… I think she might have felt a little bit intimidated by the rest of the group,” Jooheon sighed.

“She was really quiet at my fan meeting too actually. And all we did was talk about my inability to make friends,” the younger rapper replied, then noticed the way Jooheon looked at him. “You know what I mean. And then I let the fans speak and she still stayed quiet. I didn’t think of it much, but… she was just observing. I mean, I can understand that.”

“But it was your second fan meeting, it’s not like you all are already close friends. I mean, her joining shouldn’t make much of a difference. Plus if she wanted to check it out you’d expect her to be a bit more relaxed and open about it?” Minhyuk asked.

“You don’t know that hyung, people are different,” Changkyun disagreed. “I was just glad to see a new face I guess. Even if she didn’t say anything.”

“Yeah, I guess…” the oldest nodded slightly, even though he still found it a bit weird.

“She’s probably just shy,” Jooheon chuckled, resuming his story. “Anyway, we talked about our writing process. It was interesting sharing those things with them,” he smiled, looking from Minhyuk back at Changkyun, almost frowning as maknae focused on the can in his hand rather than on Jooheon. “I talked about us helping each other out and making music together…” he added, for the sake of talking, suddenly feeling somewhat uncomfortable.

He missed Changkyun, even though they saw each other every day. He didn’t think they actually saw each other as days passed and an uncomfortable feeling settled in his stomach. It felt like Changkyun was avoiding him after the talk they had and Jooheon himself wasn’t sure how to act around the younger rapper either. He was running in circles in his mind, going from trying to stay the same as Changkyun obviously stated those feelings of his were a thing left in the past to not being able not to think about it, the knowledge those feelings existed at some point making him go back and try to analyze that period of time when they were relevant. It was hard to dismiss it and Changkyun not being around to spend time with him the way they were used to only made the relevance of those thoughts and feelings heavier in Jooheon’s mind.

“Are you alright?” Perhaps it was a stupid question, but he couldn’t help asking it.

“I’m fine really… I have to meet Hoseok hyung before dinner though,” Changkyun looked at his watch and sighed, standing up. “I’ll see you later, I won’t be going back to studio tonight, don’t worry,” he looked at both of them, the smile on his face not quite reaching his eyes and leaving Jooheon with that uncomfortable feeling in his gut he got used to over the last couple of days.

“Okay, Kyun-ah… don’t be late for dinner, Ki is worried as it is,” Minhyuk replied instead.

“I know… I’m sorry. We’ll be there on time,” the youngest nodded once again before waving at both of them and softly closing the door after him. The silence left behind didn’t last long as Minhyuk turned to his friend, looking at him sternly.

“Alright. What’s going on?” Jooheon shrugged slightly, taking a sip of his drink and knowing he would have to talk about it, but still buying himself a bit of time to try to think of how to start it. “You guys are weird. I know you. Did you fight?”

“We didn’t fight,” the rapper replied. “We had a conversation that was… something I didn’t expect?” he tried, grimacing as he finished as it sounded so vague and he wasn’t used to beating around the bush with Minhyuk. The boy could see right through him after all. “He told me he liked me.”

“He did?” Minhyuk turned even more to him, surprise and wish to hear more evident in his eyes. It looked like Changkyun liking him wasn’t what surprised Minhyuk, but rather that he confessed it to Jooheon.

“Was I the only one who didn’t know?” the younger boy asked. He thought a lot about it, but he always saw Changkyun’s openness to him as a sign of friendliness and need to get close to someone.

“I don’t know...” Minhyuk admitted. “I mean, I’m not sure what the others think, we don’t really talk about you two. But Changkyun kind of lights up when you’re around. It has always been like that. I thought that was obvious.”

“I thought he just liked me being there for him… I mean, we became friends pretty fast and got along well and… yeah…” Jooheon sighed, feeling frustrated by the current situation.

“So, he likes you?” the older vocalist probed.

“He used to like me,” the rapper corrected. “He said it stopped once he got to know me better. I don’t know if that should offend me or what?” he chuckled slightly.

“Oh?” Minhyuk tilted his head, resembling a puppy as he thought and frowned for a moment. “So, you guys are just awkward now?”

“I don’t know what to think, Min,” the younger boy sighed. “It’s been more than two weeks now – since the conversation. I keep thinking about back then, trying to remember anything in Changkyun’s behavior towards me as I’m still confused about it. But I don’t even know if me remembering something in particular and realizing that it was… a sign of sorts would mean anything. I mean, would it matter? We’re like this now… If he doesn’t like me anymore then we should be the way we just are, the way we have always been. Nothing should change right? But I’m not sure if I can not think about it,” he sighed once again. “And I can’t help but think that he’s hiding from me, regretting he told me that. I don’t even know why he told me? Maybe because it doesn’t mean anything and we suddenly started talking about No Mercy again and he just said it.”

“Wait, stop,” Minhyuk interrupted him. “Do you want the things to go back to the way they were before he told you?”

“I don’t think they can! It just lingers in my mind somewhere, it’s like I can’t forget it. Well, he’s not helping because he’s just not there.”

“He’s not there because he is ashamed, Honey,” the vocalist sighed. “Even if his feelings changed he probably thinks you’re thinking about it and he wants to hide.”

“You mean he regretted it?” Jooheon frowned, suddenly feeling hurt by the thought.

“I don’t know. Maybe he did. Maybe he’s just afraid. You know scared Changkyun, doesn’t it look familiar?” Jooheon stayed silent, looking down at his hands and feeling worse with each passing moment. “Honey, do you like him?”

“I… no?” the rapper asked back, not sure of anything anymore.

“You don’t know?” Minhyuk offered.

“I never looked at him that way,” the younger boy shook his head. “I just… I don’t want to lose him.”

“Ah… I don’t think losing him is possible Jooheon-ah,” Minhyuk chuckled, shaking his head. “I don’t think Changkyun would let you go. Unless you want him to I mean.”

“Okay,” Jooheon sighed in reply, those words calming him down slightly.

“Don’t worry… you will be alright. There never was a time when you two hadn’t been.”

There never was, but there was always a first and Jooheon was scared to let that fear take over. They had to be alright - no matter what.


	12. From zero

Glancing at Yoonhee’s sketchbook at her right side, Woohee smiled and started to follow the way the older girl’s hand created magic on paper, the outline of Hoseok’s profile gently making itself known as the artist worked. The fan meeting started only a couple of minutes ago, but Woohee had been sitting there for a bit longer, her and Yoonhee came into room 32 first today and were patiently waiting for the rest of the group to gather. Hoseok had been cheerful as always, conversing with Dongha as he poured himself tea and Woohee found her train of thought move from her surroundings to the daydream land she seemed to slip into whenever her attention wasn’t occupied by something more important.

She was quiet and appeared to be invisible. That was the kind of situation she was used to, being the silent observer and maybe even somewhat of a loner. Compared to the rest of the group she had been a Monbebe for shorter time and it was natural that she couldn’t exactly fit into a group of people who had known each other for years if she didn’t even make an effort. Keeping to herself wasn’t the best approach for sure, but Woohee needed time when it concerned social interactions. Time or a push.

“Woohee!” the twenty year old girl almost jumped at the sudden call of her name and looked over at Hoseok, like a deer caught in the headlights. If she had been paying attention she would have noticed that he finished his conversation and turned to all of them a minute ago. “Today is your day,” he grinned.

“What? Why?” she replied, still puzzled.

“Well, while we still don’t know each other well we kind of… do know each other. But you’re fairly new and you seem shy and quiet, so…” Hoseok looked around. “It looks like we need to get you to talk to us,” he joked, chuckling a bit to not make her uncomfortable.

“I… maybe we were supposed to reach out to you, I’m sorry…” Sunmi spoke up before Woohee could reply and the younger girl just shook her head. 

“No, no, it’s alright… I wasn’t expecting you to,” she smiled warmly. “I do tend to keep to myself and take time to become a part of a group… in general,” she admitted. “It’s not anything you did… You guys are already friends – or at least know a bit about each other. Hoseok oppa is probably right, maybe I should open up first,” she blushed suddenly, not really used to being the centre of attention like this. 

“I feel like I pushed you now,” Hoseok smiled, crossing his legs and leaning forward.

“I do need a push sometimes,” she smiled back again. “Well… I’ve been a Monbebe since Jealousy era…”

“Jealousy era? But I don’t think I saw you back then…” Taeil pushed his glasses up on his face, looking at her and suddenly feeling bad for not noticing her even though it wasn’t possible to know all the Monbebe coming to fansigns from time to time.

“As I said, I tend to stay… unnoticed,” she chuckled. “Really, don’t worry about it… I mean, I didn’t really know how to start a conversation with anyone and then time passed and I just grew used to it I guess? I mean, that’s just me. And it’s alright, I really don’t mind,” Woohee hurriedly told him. “Besides, I haven’t been able to attend a lot of fansigns in general, that’s also why you guys haven’t seen me around much.” 

“That’s why we’re going to get to know each other now,” Hoseok gave her an encouraging look and another warm smile and she laughed lightly, nodding.

“Okay… so yeah, I’m twenty years old and I study biology, I’m mostly interested in botany actually, loving plants and all that…” she said. “I love all forms of art and I tend to read a lot, listen to music or go to galleries when I have free time. It’s a way for me to relax. I don’t have a lot of friends… for obvious reasons I guess?” she added, chuckling. “Maybe I’m just used to being alone… but yeah, I guess that’s also why I was curious about this project. I didn’t think I would get in. I mean, it was logical for you to pick someone you already recognize from many fansigns and meetings,” she looked back at Hoseok.

“Yeah, but I was curious too, I guess. I wanted for us all to meet someone new too,” the vocalist of Monsta X replied. 

“I feel awkward introducing myself like this,” Woohee laughed. “I mean, I’m just little old me.”

“But we really love meeting you,” Minah smiled. “Please feel comfortable… I mean, we all know each other more or less, but that’s the point of us meeting now. The only important thing to us is that you’re a Monbebe and, in this room, Ramyunatic. And seeing how soft and cute you are you’re definitely our kind,” she half-joked.

“I still feel like I should’ve made more effort, as the oldest here,” Sunmi frowned again, but smiled when Woohee reached over and patted her hand.

“Thank you,” the girl softly said.

“I… I guess I’m not very open myself,” Dongha suddenly said, making the rest of the group turn to him. “I understand that… but if you need anything we’re all definitely here for you,” he offered a smile too. “That goes for having book club or going to a gallery together… although I’m more of a movie kind of guy,” he chuckled.

“That’s right… we should probably go somewhere together sometimes,” Yeonhee nodded, glancing up from the sketch she was doing, showing she has been paying close attention to what everyone was saying. “Well, maybe not Hoseok.”

“Excluding me I see…” the dancer huffed before smirking slightly.

“How are we going to smuggle you into an art gallery for example?” Yeonhee raised her eyebrows.

“Am I not allowed to appreciate art with my friends?” he chuckled in return.

“What would the company say?”

“Who cares? I’m not doing anything… scandalous.” 

“That’s what you thought while doing a shower vlive too,” Dongha teased.

“Well…” Hoseok bit his lip, not having anything to say to that. “I want to be a part of this group too.”

“Are you serious now?” Woohee looked at him and shook her head before she laughed, making the rest of the Ramyunatics crew follow her.

At the end of the fan meeting the young biology student was pleasantly surprised by a hug or two until Yoonhee stopped her right after they left the room.

“I have a little project of my own,” she smiled, pulling the younger girl a bit to the side. “It’s actually ongoing. I like drawing things that make small, but important marks on my daily life. Usually people,” she explained and opened her sketchbook. “I didn’t show it to the rest of the group… I might not any time soon either,” she added, giving the sketchbook to Woohee and watching her go through the few drawings, so the quiet girl assumed Yoonhee was carrying around only the most recent ones she was working on. 

Most of them were of Hoseok and other Monsta X members and she admired the way the black lines portrayed the emotions hiding underneath the surface. Flipping forward there were drawings of Minah and Sunmi, looking like they were made during or after the previous fan meeting they had. They looked lively, in motion, talking to each other about something and smiling, like the close friends they were. Turning another page brought another one of Hoseok’s profiles and she recognized it as the one Yoonhee was working on today, before Hoseok stole her attention by calling her out. Finally, at the end there was a fresh drawing of herself. It was a simple portrait, she appeared to be listening to someone beyond the borders of the paper, gaze focused and somewhat intense. She looked different from her own impression of herself. She looked warm, like the spring she loved so much, the time that made flowers bloom. She looked happy.

Mirroring the emotions drawn on the paper in her hands Woohee looked up at her new friend and simply gave her the brightest smile of the day.

Hyunwoo sat down on the floor of their dance studio, trying to catch his breath before he drank a bit of water out of his bottle. Hyungwon and Hoseok sat down beside him, leaning against the wall, doing the same. They had a dance practice with the rest of the group a while ago and then continued the practice on their own, working on a separate choreography they were in the process of making.

The tallest members of Monsta X were the ones in charge most of the time, but even though Hoseok focused on producing music more he still enjoyed working with the two of them on the dance the most, the process finding its way to somehow always bring him back to the time when they were still only preparing for the start of their career. They all spent a lot of time preparing for every comeback and performance, it was challenging and exciting over and over again. To the young producer it felt like growing bit by bit, gaining knowledge and experience, similar to steadily building the castle of their work throughout the years. However, whenever he would set foot into the dance studio it felt like he was, yet again, beginning from scratch, feeling the old excitement of making something new, still unknown despite the technique that was engraved in their bodies by now and working hard on every little detail, trying to make it look flawless. It was very similar to writing music and Hoseok found both of them a link to the younger version of himself – the one itching to experiment and play. 

He slowly started stretching, checking the time and knowing they were done for the day. Hyungwon busied himself with his phone for a moment and Hyunwoo followed him, stretching his muscles while he waited for the tallest in their crew to finish.

“I want to ask Minwoo to do something with us,” he started when he noticed Hyungwon put away his phone again.

“Like a dance project?” Hoseok asked, looking up at the leader from his bent down position before straightening himself again.

“Yeah, I think it will be very fun,” the oldest nodded. “What do you think?”

“I agree, I think we will all enjoy it,” Hyungwon replied. “And Minwoo can teach us something new too.”

“You know I’m always ready to experiment when it comes to dancing,” Hoseok chuckled. “You want to ask him at your next fan meeting?”

“Yeah, there’s no hurry really,” Hyunwoo said, gathering his things slowly. “I was thinking of just doing something for fun, something we haven’t done before. I also thought to maybe ask him to lead it.”

“Ah, that would be very interesting,” Hyungwon grinned, obviously looking excited and his best friend chuckled as he looked over at him.

“I see you guys are excited,” the leader of Monsta X laughed lightly and picked up his bag. “You’re staying a bit longer?”

“I have something to show to Hoseok hyung,” the tallest boy nodded, ignoring the confused look Hoseok was giving him.

“Alright then. I’ll see you at home,” Hyunwoo smiled, giving them a small wave before leaving them alone in the studio.

“You have something to show me?” the shorter vocalist turned to his best friend.

“I made a new choreography, I want you to look at it,” Hyungwon replied, standing back up and moving to turn on the music. The older boy moved back closer to the wall, following what his best friend was doing with his eyes and waiting. It was common for Hyungwon to work on his own and then ask him for his opinion first. The taller dancer’s creative process always involved him and Hyunwoo – in that order, and both of the older dancers knew what it meant when Hyungwon said “I have something to show.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Hoseok looked at the handsome singer coming to the front of him as the music started and the first move triggered something in him, memories from a long time ago coming to his mind. Almost gasping, he watched intently as Hyungwon’s body moved with ease, fluidly, but precisely executing the moves his mind created to tell a story. It seemed like it was a familiar one, as the older boy’s mind kept supplying him with images from the past, from six years ago, casually interspacing them with snippets of later ones, creating a strange nostalgic feeling merged with something entirely fresh, emphasized with the arch of the dancer’s back and the feeling of restlessness given away by the graceful movement of his fingers.

He watched in awe, the small movements in the beginning slowly gaining more power along with intensity, color switching from the one depicting something akin to shyness and innocence to the clearly sensual one and then diving into a whirlwind of emotions, visible on Hyungwon’s face as much as on his body. Hoseok felt the emotions pull him in even more as he continued observing, reaching deep down to dig out that anxiety of the unknown, the excitement of first love – the one making the tall beauty dance so passionately now, yet trying to keep it under the surface, as if afraid to let go.

“Show it,” Hoseok whispered, mostly to himself, and watched as the change happened, as if on cue. The story was reaching its culmination as the emotions from within seemed to overwhelm the dancer, spilling out and showing themselves as Hyungwon suddenly closed his eyes and set himself free. It was clear that every move was very well calculated and practiced to be executed flawlessly, yet the younger man looked like he was completely improvising, like he was letting his own body take over and guide his mind instead. It was wild and Hoseok couldn’t help but hold his breath as the music rushed after the gorgeous dance unraveling in front of him, knowing the end was near. 

With the final note Hyungwon’s knees met the ground and the younger boy threw his head back rather gently, keeping his eyes closed and replacing the faint echo of the music with his soft pants, trying to get enough oxygen in his lungs. Hoseok slid closer to him, bringing one of his hands to his best friend’s cheek and causing the brown orbs to look up at him for a brief moment before he leaned in and kissed him. Hyungwon obviously didn’t expect that kind of evaluation as he gasped and quickly held onto the older man, kissing back passionately, still drunk on the emotions he brought to the surface with his dance.

“It’s that good, huh?” he breathed once he broke the kiss and smiled up at his best friend, loving the way Hoseok gazed at him, with the trace of all those emotions. It made him feel good, accomplished – like achieving a little victory as he obviously brought it out of the older vocalist too.

“It’s _From Zero_ again, isn’t it?” Hoseok replied with another question and Hyungwon laughed lightly, understanding what he meant. It was completely different – both the music and choreography, but the feeling was similar, it could be one of the associations for sure – especially if _From Zero_ was a part of you as much as it was a part of the two of them.

“In a way, yes,” he nodded, shifting slightly to sit down more comfortably, but pulling Hoseok closer against himself nonetheless, needing the intimacy as he talked. “It’s a new beginning. I got the idea because of the project… it can mean a new beginning of anything really… anything truly meaningful.”

“The anxiety and excitement together. There was a bit of fear and a lot of love,” Hoseok stated as if analyzing it. “And that freedom in the end… God, you did it amazingly well.” The words sounded overwhelming, much like the dance itself and Hyungwon laughed to ease the funny tension.

“Thanks… I guess,” he half-joked. “I’m really glad you think it’s so good,” he added, leaning closer and kissing him gently, but shortly, letting his lips linger a bit longer against Hoseok’s. 

“It’s really really good. You should definitely film it,” the older vocalist smiled at the light touch. “When do you want to show it to the rest of the guys?”

“I haven’t thought about it,” Hyungwon replied honestly. “I don’t know if I should film it or maybe first perform it live… I would like to show it to the Royalties first, I guess. They were the inspiration for it, after all.”

“Okay, sounds good,” Hoseok smiled slightly and nuzzled Hyungwon’s nose a bit before slowly pulling away. “You should stretch… we should go home,” he added, giving the model-like dancer space and standing up. Hyungwon silently did as told and Hoseok moved to pack their things, saving them time as it was already getting late and they had another busy day ahead of them tomorrow. Finally finishing his stretching routine, Hyungwon moved to get dressed, getting ready to leave as quickly as possible.

“The way you moved, those emotions…” Hoseok softly started talking again as they left the studio and started walking. “I can’t get over it, you’re mesmerizing.”

“Stop…” Hyungwon chuckled, looking over at him. “Thanks.”

“I fell in love.”

“I can see.” 

“They will too.”

Hyungwon looked at Hoseok again, giving him a warm smile before taking his hand and placing a small kiss on top of it, no words left to be spoken.


	13. I spy with my little eye

Closing his book and putting it away into his bag, Sangwook grabbed his phone and checked the last message he got from Minhyuk, the older boy too tired to continue talking to him the previous night and continuing the conversation now.

_Good morning sunshine~ I’d expect you to get up earlier, being an idol and all that…_

He caught himself smiling as he sent the message and then took a sip of his tea, looking up at the people walking around him. Not many occupied the benches around his own as most of the people found the early spring still too cold to spend a lot of time sitting outside, but after so many hours of preparing for his final exams Sangwook felt suffocated and the cold felt much more refreshing than it usually would. 

_I slept well, thank you for asking. Are you still bent over the book?_

The young makeup artist started typing, feeling a relaxing feeling of accomplishment wash over him. The end of his studies was near and he felt good about actually finishing things in time, trying his best to study on time and be well prepared, motivated with that thought that everything will soon be over. He finished a bigger portion of work last night and he couldn’t wait to use the next two days of break without worrying about responsibilities.

_I’m bent over my tea. The book is cozily tucked in between a pack of wet wipes and my wallet in my bag. It’s getting its well deserved two days long sleep. Shouldn’t you be practicing or something?_

Sangwook took another sip of his tea, sighing as it got pretty cold and leaned back, thinking about the weird turn of events Be My Friend project brought to him. The opportunity to become Minhyuk’s friend seemed so surreal at first that he wouldn’t dare even think about the possibility of it actually happening in the end. He had been a Monsta X fan for a very long time, one with a childish crush on Minhyuk – or well, the image of Minhyuk. He was also one of the “easily spotted and well known” male fans and there was really only a handful of them, so it wasn’t anything strange that everybody knew them. Paired with Jaejin, the two of them made “the fashion couple” or “the stylish brothers”, always making sure to catch the attention of everyone around them. Not because they were attention seekers, but because they simply enjoyed the uniqueness of Jaejin’s creations and Sangwook’s skillfully done makeup. 

_I want some tea too. I think I should eat, Kihyun is nagging. My next message to you might come from an angry hamster instead._

However, getting closer to one of Monsta X members, especially that member being Minhyuk was a completely different story. Sangwook had a feeling he was one of the rare fans who wasn’t sure how to feel about the project. As much as it was tempting, getting close to one of your idols sounded somewhat scary, with the risk of the seemingly invisible curtain dividing them falling down along with illusions and wishful imaginations. Sangwook wasn’t a small boy, believing Minhyuk was flawless, but he had to admit to himself that a part of him was just that. A small boy in front of someone who seemed to be perfect and it had to be a trick.

_Oof… hello Ki hyung~_

Curiosity killed the cat. Beyond the curiosity there was a certain need as the young sociologist couldn’t let himself pass on this opportunity, despite all the skepticism and childish fear he couldn’t imagine not trying to become a part of the project. So, it was natural to apply and, as cocky as it sounded, pretty natural to be picked as well. Minhyuk knew a couple of his loyal fans, that much he was sure of and he really didn’t find a reason for the singer to not want them to get to know each other better. Sangwook put his outgoing, playful self on display right from the beginning, with a healthy dose of control and contemplation behind the inviting smile. He wasn’t calculating, he was just careful and aware of his own behavior, treading slowly, keeping a distance in a way and getting completely defeated by Minhyuk’s bright smile and openness. 

_Switching so easily, I see… Tsk… I’ll see you later, I really need to run now._

Yes, he switched. Minhyuk was warm and inviting himself, drawing Sangwook to him like a magnet once again and confirming the image the younger boy had of him during all these years. Becoming friends wasn’t a big deal and if illusions were meant to fall would he honestly be disappointed? It didn’t take him long to gather a bit of courage and give himself a little push, taking the first step to establish contact. The daily makeup project was indeed an idea he had been toying with in his mind for a long time, waiting for the right time to start it and on the spur of the moment he simply painted his face, snapped a photo and sent it to Minhyuk, announcing the beginning of it and his wish to include the older boy in it. The singer was very encouraging and wholeheartedly engaged in the conversation with him and Sangwook felt a mixture of slight confusion and giddiness that lead to a rush of different makeup ideas as they all summed up his current state of mind. He also felt quite a bit of love.

_Yes, of course. Bye Min._

Having a crush on an idol-rapidly-turning-to-be-a-friend wasn’t a part of Sangwook’s plans, but the nightly exchange of photos and random conversations slowly melted past dawn and into another day, not really giving him time to think much about it. It was better that way as thinking about it wouldn’t really lead him anywhere and the sociologist knew very well his feelings – whatever they were – didn’t make any difference. Talking to Minhyuk became a precious part of his life, a good constant that waited for him at the end of the day, where all the impressions blended into a couple of brush strokes on his face, feelings and events shown across Seoul to the boy resting in Monsta X’s dorm. He felt both vulnerable and hidden – makeup hiding his bare face, but at the same time revealing his inner world, if only a tiny reflection of it. Giving Minhyuk a clear glimpse of his unguarded self.

The act itself was liberating and exciting as, to Sangwook, it meant more than years of shallow friendships and relationships from his past. Minhyuk’s genuine reactions and readiness to open up in return hitting him in powerful waves and only making him want to give the older boy more of himself in return, over and over again, filling the days ahead of him with anticipation and joy. Something to continuously look forward to.

Reaching over to the bin to dump his empty tea cup, Sangwook took his bag and stretched his legs, starting his walk back home. The chilly air still felt good even though his body might have disagreed with him. The chilly air and swirl of warm conversations in his mind made life a bit better. Sangwook had a clear plan for today, a couple of hours of coziness in his bed, another warm cup of tea after lunch, a soft dust of color on his cheeks – the pastels calling out to paint the chilly spring warmth for him and, finally, meeting with Minhyuk. The young artist couldn’t wait.

Minhyuk leaned on the wall behind him as he watched his fans interact. They were pretty loud as they talked and it was something he found endearing. He even had this idea of making small flags with suns and rainbows for them to raise when they want to say something important, but soon dismissed it as there really weren’t that many of them and it wasn’t that hard to catch everyone’s attention. His eyes landed on Sangwook turning to the quiet girl that joined them today and really looked out of place with how little she spoke. The beautiful boy smiled at her and tried to pull her into conversation and the singer watched how flustered she suddenly looked, maybe even slightly surprised by being spoken to.

“So, Ara, what brings you here to us today?” he decided to speak to her too, not being able to ignore the suspicious feeling he had ever since his talk with Jooheon and Changkyun.

“Ah, I wanted to see what you guys are doing…” she turned to him, smiling a bit.

“I kind of expected you here,” Minhyuk nodded.

“Really?” the girl didn’t hide her surprise, for a moment, obviously not sure how to react.

“Yeah, I heard you’ve been visiting all the fan meetings lately,” the sunshine of Monsta X elaborated. “If I didn’t know better I’d say Ki sent you to spy on us,” he chuckled, watching her intently.

“What? Spy?” Ara chuckled too, although obviously not as comfortably as she seemed to be just a moment ago. She was a rather bad actress who didn’t expect anyone to question her coming to the fan meetings of other members and the situation suddenly made her feel uncomfortable. 

“Ki wouldn’t do that, I’m sure,” Minhyuk looked at her curiously, suddenly feeling like he was interrogating the poor girl as it dawned on him and made him feel a bubble of anger deep down. He couldn’t believe his friend would do something like that when he clearly knew the rules.

“I just wanted to see what everyone was doing… I mean, we can go to other members’ meetings,” she continued.

“Of course you can. We’re happy when you do,” the singer nodded, smiling charmingly. “We’re also glad when you have fun with us and hear our stories as well, as long as it’s kept secret from other members of Monsta X,” he added. “You know, we have a deal among each other. We can talk about fan meetings, of course, but only if we want to. We consider you guys a special circle of friends, separate from our bandmates. I can choose to tell a secret in this room – a secret I don’t want Hyungwon to know for example and I know that secret won’t leave this room. We made a deal among each other to be able to feel free and bond with our new friends the way we like. It’s only fair.”

“I see…” the girl nodded, feeling guilty, especially as Minhyuk gave her another big smile.

“That’s why I know Kihyun wouldn’t do anything silly like that… I was just surprised to hear you visited us all in the past couple of weeks. You’re the only fan who did that so far, so I was curious,” he smiled again. “Would you like to tell us more about yourself now? We’re all pretty talkative here, so we kind of expect you to be as well… If you’re not comfortable I won’t push you, of course,” he eyed Sangwook who raised his eyebrows at him in question, but Ara took it as her cue and began introducing herself, the meeting taking a lighter turn once again.

Waving his fans goodbye, Minhyuk closed the door 33 behind himself just in time to see Kihyun unlock the door next to his.

“Ki… come here for a moment,” he called out.

“My fan meeting starts soon,” Kihyun replied.

“It will only take a minute,” Minhyuk quickly added, opening the door to his room again and gesturing to Kihyun to join him, then turning to him as soon as his younger friend closed the door once again. “You’ve been spying on us,” he said quietly. 

“What? How…” the main vocalist of Monsta X started, obviously surprised by Minhyuk’s confrontation.

“I’m not dumb. And you have a fan meeting to go to now, so we will talk at home,” his best friend said firmly. “I will be waiting for you, you better come as soon as you’re finished,” he added, opening the door and walking out.

Kihyun knew he screwed up. Not letting the members know was the point out of the whole masterplan and if he paused to think about it for a moment he would’ve realized it was really stupid idea, as much as it seemed fairly innocent back then. On the other hand, he really didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to make Minhyuk confront him like that even before he returned home. It’s not like the members shared some big secrets with their fans in their meetings – he definitely wasn’t planning to do it at least. Besides, the whole project barely started, it’s not like anyone was that open and relaxed yet, right?

The more he thought about it the more unsure he was and he really disliked Minhyuk making him ponder over it right at the time of his fan meeting, making him look worried and in thought when he was supposed to have fun with his fans. He looked around the room, at all the girls already gathered and waiting for him to start.

“Well…” he cleared his throat, but Ara decided to speak at the same time.

“I’m pretty sure Minhyuk oppa knows me going to all the fan meetings was planned,” she bit her lip, feeling guilty again as she looked at him.

“Yeah… okay, I know,” he nodded, sitting down. “Don’t worry about it, okay? Maybe this was a bad idea from the start, I didn’t think about it well enough,” he chuckled, trying to lift up the mood. “It’s not your fault, it was my idea.”

“I feel bad though,” she frowned.

“Don’t,” Kihyun shook his head. “You didn’t hear anything for you to… additionally feel bad about?”

“No, no, it was all fun really,” she smiled. “There’s really nothing… bad or secretive to be shared,” she chuckled.

“There you go, those were just different gatherings of friends,” the singer smiled. “Did you have fun?”

“Yeah… although I did feel a bit out of place, I must admit,” Ara laughed a bit. “I can tell you bits if you want to, I don’t think anyone would mind…” she looked around at their friends. “And I know all of you want to hear it anyway.”

“Okay, go ahead,” Kihyun laughed too, it was more than obvious he was curious to hear.

“Well… Jooheon oppa’s fan meeting was really fun for example,” she started. “He did rap battle with his fans, most of them have more talent for comedy though,” Kihyun laughed. “There are two really good girls, I don’t know them well, but we were all surprised. Jooheon oppa even asked them if they would like to get trained or go to Unpretty Rapstar or something, but it’s just a hobby for them. To be honest, I would love to see them perform somewhere,” she nodded.

“Now I’m curious too,” Kihyun tilted his head, thinking. “I hope we get to hear them rap some time too.”

“That would be really cool,” Ara nodded quickly. “Uhm… Hoseok oppa and his fans eat ramen together,” she chuckled.

“Oh god, I knew it!” the singer exclaimed. “That’s why he cut down on ramen at home.”

“Yeah… and they didn’t clean up right after eating,” Kihyun gasped dramatically. “I mean, we did it after the meeting was finished, but yeah…”

“That hyung…” Kihyun shook his head. 

“He’s very caring though,” Ara smiled. “There is this very shy fan who is new, I guess? They all welcomed her, Hoseok oppa started talking to her and then she just opened up… it was really nice.”

“He’s a softie…” the main vocalist of Monsta X chuckled, Ara wasn’t telling him anything he didn’t already know.

“Oh, Hyungwon oppa has a special schedule for his fan meetings,” his spy girl chuckled. “He has a time for sleep,” Kihyun raised his eyebrows, as they all stayed silent for a moment.

“Unbelievable…” he finally said, thinking how Hyungwon outdid himself with that one.

“He kind of looks cute though,” Ara commented, looking down at her notes.

“What was that?” Kihyun asked, looking at her, almost teasing and she shrugged, smiling at him.

“Hyunwoo oppa has those two really handsome boys in his group, they basically steal the spotlight,” the girl chuckled.

“Steal the spotlight from hyung? Impossible,” Kihyun shook his head, but still watched her curiously. “Tell me more?”

“We all know Hajoon, right?” Ara looked around at their friends. “Him and Hyunwoo oppa basically look like brothers. I mean, of course they don’t look alike, but there’s something in the gestures I guess… They also look really relaxed when they talk to each other.”

“Yeah, hyung actually feels most comfortable around Hajoon,” the vocalist nodded, knowing all the stories about Hajoon and always finding him charming and resembling Hyunwoo in some strange way as well.

“And Minwoo oppa is really… like a star,” the girl continued talking. “I mean, he wasn’t really talking much or doing anything really, but he has this aura of… confidence I guess.”

“Yeah… Minwoo is back,” Kihyun smiled, nodding again, not having anything special to say to that beyond being glad to see one of their oldest fans coming back to them. Kihyun’s interactions with him were always limited to a simple greeting, a sentence of two while he was signing his album. The Dance line of Monsta X was the one being much more comfortable around the dancer as they actually had something in common to talk about.

“Changkyun oppa was very nice, it was a relaxing fan meeting,” Ara continued, waking Kihyun up from his thoughts and making him look back at her. “He’s getting ideas from the fans and does what they want them to do. His cheeks are soft.”

“I’m sorry?” the boy furrowed his eyebrows, confused by the random statement.

“I… poked them,” the girl blushed lightly.

“You did what?” Kihyun almost exclaimed and then laughed. “Oh god, this is getting weirder.”

“I asked him nicely, he didn’t mind,” Ara blushed further before laughing too. “He’s cute, don’t look at me like that!”

“Are you betraying me now? I sent you to spy, not to poke my maknae’s cheeks!” Kihyun teased.

“I grabbed the opportunity when it presented itself,” she simply replied. “No one really found it weird.”

“Oh, so you blended in perfectly?” he asked.

“Maybe… I can’t say the same thing for Minhyuk oppa’s meeting,” the girl frowned. “It was so noisy, they talk a lot and they’re very loud too,” she sighed. “I kept quiet, that’s how he discovered me… I’m sorry oppa, I should’ve blended in better.”

“It’s okay, Ara, I told you already. Minhyuk is a search dog, I should’ve predicted that,” Kihyun sighed. “I really didn’t think he would make such a big deal out of it either,” he added. “I’m sorry if he made you feel uncomfortable.”

“He didn’t really… although I understood I didn’t fool him. He was really nice though, urged me to talk more and have fun,” Ara nodded. “It was alright in the end… I’m sorry if it will cause a problem now.”

“There won’t be a problem, don’t worry,” Kihyun shook his head again. “And we won’t do this again, I must admit it’s unfair to the rest of the members,” he added. “I will just have to talk to them. I’m really glad you enjoyed it,” he looked at the girl and then at all the others. “Visiting others still stands if you guys want to. But we won’t be talking about their meetings here anymore. Now… what would you like to do today?”

The meeting continued as smoothly as expected, providing a helpful distraction to Kihyun – pushing the thoughts of his best friend’s wrath waiting for him at home.


	14. The way you see me

As soon as Kihyun opened the front door of the dorm he heard voices coming from the living room. It seemed like the whole group was home, which was unusual this early in the evening, so he suspected it had something to do with Minhyuk already informing them about his spying escapades. He took off his shoes quietly and dropped his bag, heading to the kitchen first and grabbing a glass of water.

“You’re here,” Hyungwon entered the kitchen as well, barely sparing him a glance as he started making coffee. “Minhyuk just told us an interesting story.”

“You don’t have to be so snarky about it, Won,” the main vocalist of Monsta X immediately pulled up his shields, ready for battle even if he knew he messed up this time.

“You did nothing good, you have no right to talk back,” the taller boy turned to look at him. Kihyun opened his mouth to argue, but Hyunwoo walked into the kitchen then, looking at him sternly. 

“Welcome back, let’s talk in the living room,” he simply said, causing Kihyun to shut his mouth and move to join the others, Hyungwon soon trailing behind as well.

“Hey…” Kihyun started, but immediately got interrupted by the maknae.

“What’s this about hyung saying you were spying on us?” Changkyun asked, looking somewhere between slightly hurt and wanting to confirm before getting disappointed.

“I see you waited for me well, Min,” Kihyun ignored the question and turned to Minhyuk, getting annoyed.

“It concerns all of us. And you broke the rule,” Minhyuk replied, obviously still angry.

“What rule? Fans are allowed to go to other meetings and it’s not like I forced anyone to tell me about them,” the younger guy immediately started defending himself.

“That’s not what this is, Kihyun. You planned with your fans to do it,” Minhyuk continued. 

“Ki, we had an agreement. I didn’t want to go to Minhyuk’s fan meeting because of that, until he said it was alright,” Hyunwoo replied calmly. “I didn’t expect you to find a loophole just to get a glimpse of all of our meetings,” the leader looked calm, even if there was a hint of disappointment in his eyes as he looked at the shorter boy.

“So what if I wanted to hear about your fan meetings? We barely just started having them, it’s not like you were doing something in secret… you don’t even know your fans all that well yet,” Kihyun huffed.

“You don’t know that!” Minhyuk yelled suddenly, causing Jooheon to flinch by his side.

“Don’t yell at me, Minhyuk,” Kihyun almost growled, trying to stay composed, but slowly getting angry as well.

“I’m going to yell if I want to and you’re going to listen,” his best friend pointed a finger at him. “I honestly can’t believe you would do something like this. We all are trying to get to know those people and bond with them and even though it’s under the project that has Monsta X’s name on it it kind of goes beyond it for most of us. We are all trying to make friends with people who are outside of this little circle, some of us are doing it for the first time in a very long while.”

“Hyung, you literally sent a fan to check up on us and report back to you,” Jooheon frowned. “I’m trying to understand why you did it, but really… were you that curious?”

“I… you are all making such a big deal out of this,” Kihyun shook his head. 

“Maybe it’s not such a big deal to you, but have you stopped to think about how the rest of us would feel?” Hyungwon replied.

“Are you calling me insensitive, Won?” Kihyun turned to him, biting his lip as soon as he met Hoseok’s disappointed gaze, the older vocalist sitting right next to Hyungwon.

“No, I’m saying you just went behind our backs without thinking we might feel betrayed,” the tall dancer replied.

“So I betrayed you,” Kihyun deadpanned, looking at all of them and suddenly feeling so lonely and tired, at the same time being angry with himself, but not wanting to admit it.

“You could have asked, Ki,” Hoseok replied quietly. “I’m sure we would all tell you what you were curious about.”

“You’re my best friend, Ki,” Minhyuk sighed. “But I’m really disappointed now.”

“I’m your best friend, yet you didn’t even wait to talk to me in private before assembling everyone for attack. Wow… you guys really…” Kihyun looked around once again. “So, I butted into your meetings, alright, I’m sorry. I just didn’t think you’d have anything to hide from any of us and share with the fans instead.”

“Hyung, I talked about my problem with making friends with them,” Changkyun interrupted him. “I guess you know that now. I talked about you all wanting me to make new friends and you sent someone to listen to that… like you don’t trust me.”

“Kyun-ah, you know that’s not true,” Kihyun frowned, looking at the younger rapper. 

“I know, but it feels like it… what if I was talking about something I don’t want any of you guys to know?” the maknae continued. “That could be any of us too… the rest of us know that, that’s why we understood why we have that rule. Why did you think it was okay to go around it? For fun?”

“No, I…” he felt really guilty now and he had the feeling that no matter what he had to say they would just dismiss it. Besides, nothing he had to say would justify what he did – no matter how insignificant it seemed to him. He honestly thought they were blowing it out of proportion. “Fine, I’m sorry… I was wrong and it won’t happen again,” he muttered. “I still think you’re exaggerating, but whatever, I accept it…” he added.

“You’re not being fair,” Hyunwoo frowned, knowing they were all hurt in a way by this and really disliking Kihyun putting them into this mess.

“I’m not being fair? You pounced on me and I’m not being fair? What am I supposed to do?” Kihyun snapped.

“Not end up being passive-aggressive,” the leader continued. “We’re here to talk.”

“This doesn’t look like a talk to me. You’re only ready to attack me and tell me everything I did wrong and I have nothing to say in my defense, mainly because no one will listen,” he replied.

“Now, that’s not true. When were we not listening?” Minhyuk shot back at him. “Kihyun, you’re acting like a child now.”

“Forget it. You’re right. I “spied” on you – that was childish and I didn’t think about it at all, so I might as well be insensitive. And I’m a child now, one more reason for you to be disappointed. I’m done with this,” Kihyun shook his head, moving out of the room.

“Kihyun…” Hoseok stood up, trying to stop him.

“I really don’t want to talk about it anymore,” the main vocalist quickly added. “Leave me alone.” The sound of the short boy’s bedroom door slamming shut left them in heavy silence.

With Changkyun leaving the dorm to spend yet another night in his studio and the rest of the group practically doing the same, Minhyuk simply laid on his bed, surrounded by silence. Kihyun was still in his own room and even though the older boy knew they should make up at some point – preferably sooner than later, he couldn’t bring himself to make the first step. He was still angry, but at the same time also sad and didn’t know what to do about it in his current exhausted state. It had been a long day that started light and fun and gradually only got worse and he just wanted to sleep it off, yet he seemed to not be able to chase the thoughts away and relax. 

After an hour of turning in his bed he thought about just going to one of his friends, but he had a feeling another talk about the issue with them wouldn’t be helpful to either of them right now. Talking to someone who wasn’t directly involved seemed to be a better idea and there was one person who has been doing nothing but making him feel better lately. So, he grabbed his phone and started typing a message.

_Hey… What’s up?_

He stared at the message he has just sent, the words sounding dumb, but at least it was a start of conversation. Minhyuk hoped he wasn’t disturbing Sangwook – not receiving his daily selfie was enough of a reason to believe the younger boy was busy. Yet, the reply came fast.

_Sending a message first? That’s some character development. What gives me the honor?_

Minhyuk chuckled, he should’ve known there would be some sort of playful response.

_I feel like shit._

Beating around the bush in interactions with Sangwook really didn’t exist. Besides, Minhyuk needed someone to talk to, tonight even more than usual.

_I wanted to ask if you’re okay, but you’re not okay, so… want to talk about it?_

The singer smiled, shifting slightly in his bed to be able to type more comfortably and thinking how to word it. After a minute of contemplating he just gave up and began typing.

_I had a fight with Kihyun. Well, we all did actually. I usually don’t fight with him over serious things. So yeah, I feel like shit because he’s my best friend and I’m angry and sad and… alone._

He thought about adding another message, but then the reply came.

_Where are the others?_

Of course Sangwook held onto the last word and one would expect at least someone was at the dorm and could keep Minhyuk company. Yet, the singer felt like the walls of his room were suffocating him.

_Working._

Kihyun is in the other room, but Minhyuk let that information slide and hesitantly added another message.

_Are you alone?_

And another.

_Can I see you?_

Minhyuk bit his lip, waiting for reply and thinking if that was too much to ask for. He just really hated being alone right now. Sangwook replied quickly again.

_You mean like you want my selfie? Or a video call?_

He took a deep breath and quickly typed the reply.

_I mean like… can I come over? Wherever you are?_

In Minhyuk’s mind waiting for reply seemed to take forever. And as silence came back to press on him his own message looked like it was mocking him, looking so desperate. He just offered a fan to meet outside of the fan meeting, in the middle of the night. Except that Sangwook wasn’t exactly a fan. He was a friend now. That had to make it okay.

_I’m at home. Is that okay?_

Air left his lungs, making Minhyuk aware of the fact that he’s been holding his breath and he sat up.

_Send me the address._

The ride to Sangwook’s place took half an hour of staring outside the taxi window, but actually barely being able to focus on anything except his own reflection. Minhyuk was engulfed in black clothes, covered from head to toe, the only visible part of himself his eyes and fingers that couldn’t stop fidgeting. He was sane enough to send a message to Hyunwoo, informing him he was going out to meet a friend, but after that he kept thinking how he had no idea what meeting Sangwook at his home at this time of the night was supposed to look like. 

His mind was playing tricks with him tonight for sure, as half an hour flew past him and he was already standing in front of Sangwook’s apartment door and listening to the younger boy walking up to it on the other side. With another inhale the door opened and the sociologist greeted him with a warm smile.

“Hey… come in,” Sangwook stepped to the side, letting Minhyuk slip into the apartment. “You’re fast.”

“There was not a lot of traffic… for some reason,” he replied quietly, taking off his shoes, then his coat, hat and mask.

“It’s midnight. That’s the reason,” the makeup artist smiled, taking his things and putting them away, then turning back to Minhyuk, leading him inside of the small apartment. “Come in. I’ll make us some tea… is that good?”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” the singer nodded, trailing after him and slowly taking in his surroundings. They passed by the living room and into the kitchen, only divided by a bar wide enough to fit three people. The area looked simple and clean, covered in colors of light wood and white and appeared cozy thanks to the couch and an armchair in the living room that seemed comfortable. He turned back to his host, watching Sangwook busy himself with preparing their tea. “You live here alone?”

“Yeah, I used to live in a dorm and then moved in here last year,” the younger boy replied, glancing back at him. “I like it here.”

“It looks really nice,” Minhyuk commented, watching Sangwook pour them tea and taking the tray before turning to him.

“Let’s sit,” he motioned for Minhyuk to move back to the living room before he followed and put the tea down on a table in front of the couch. The singer sat down slowly, instantly taking one of the pillows and basically hugging it, as if trying to find some comfort in the action. He looked up at the younger boy again, suddenly realizing something.

“You look younger.” 

“I…” Sangwook furrowed his eyebrows a bit in confusion as he sat down and then chuckled. “You’re used to seeing me with makeup.”

“Ah… true,” Minhyuk replied, looking at him in what appeared to be wonder, feeling like seeing him for the first time, even though the thought itself was silly.

“Stop examining me like that, now I’m not sure if it’s a bad or a good thing,” Sangwook laughed again.

“It’s neither,” the singer smiled slightly. “It’s just different,” he added, looking at his cup of tea and taking it, trying to busy himself with something even though it was still too hot for him to start drinking. “It also makes me feel like I’m visiting my fan, who is a boy, at his home after midnight.”

“Which all happens to be true,” Sangwook nodded and grinned, watching him still. “You seem younger this way as well.”

“I was half-expecting to see Monsta X posters around… or something.”

“They’re in my room, I didn’t think I should bring them out to brag,” Sangwook chuckled.

“That’s fine, you can show me later,” Minhyuk grinned, looking back at him playfully, feeling more like himself.

“What kind of a fan do you take me for?” the sociologist fake-gasped and laughed a bit, then took a careful sip of his tea.

“The kind to be willing to meet me like this when I have a fight with one of the most important people in my life,” Minhyuk sighed and brought his cup to his lips too, using it as a cover in a way.

“What happened?” the boy looked at him again, leaning back and turning to him, ready to listen.

“I confronted him about the thing with Ara. Actually, I told the members first and then we waited for him to come home… He took it as an attack, but I don’t blame him for that, we were all pretty angry and disappointed and yeah. It didn’t end well. It didn’t end at all I think. We just had a fight and he locked himself in his room and that’s it,” Minhyuk sighed again. “I don’t fight with Kihyun. I mean, yes, we fight, but over a bunch of stupid things on daily basis. This really hurt me, I even felt like I don’t know him, which is not true. We’ve been friends for years now and we kind of always turn to each other when we need support, but that’s why this hurts. I don’t know why he did it and maybe we did overreact a little bit, but I still feel like… I don’t know… if he was curious he could have asked. That’s what Hoseok hyung actually told him… and he didn’t even have anything to say to that.”

“Maybe he’s embarrassed?” Sangwook offered. “I mean, I really don’t know Kihyun hyung that well, nor do I know your relationships in the group, how you guys work when you’re alone and without cameras to follow you around, but I’m sure you guys are much closer than this. Living and working with someone for a long time naturally brings you some special kind of bond.”

“I know... but that’s also exactly why I’m hurt. He should have talked to me. No matter what it was about,” Minhyuk replied. “I mean, I really can’t believe he sent a fan to check out our meetings instead of himself because he thought it would be fun. That’s just not Kihyun.”

“You should talk about it with him now,” the younger boy suggested.

“I have no energy…”

“I didn’t mean right now,” Sangwook chuckled. “But you should have that talk. With an open mind. He must be feeling pretty bad about it too.”

“Yeah… I know,” Minhyuk sighed and drank a bit more of his tea, then looked back up at his friend. “Thanks.”

“That… You look a lot better now than what I imagined from your messages,” Sangwook admitted.

“That’s because I was pretty desperate, all alone with my thoughts… it’s different here,” he looked around and leaned back, hugging the pillow on his lap again and thought for a moment, then turned back to Sangwook. “May I… may I be a part of your daily project tonight too?”

“I was going to do it before you messaged me,” the boy looked slightly confused by the question – he was still planning on doing it anyway.

“No, I mean… can you paint my face… the way you see me today?” Minhyuk bit his lip, wondering if he was asking too much and it took Sangwook a moment to smile, stand up and go get his makeup bag.


	15. Pillar of support

Two days had passed since the fight and Kihyun spent them running around the company and busying himself with both vocal and dance practices, trying to avoid talking to Minhyuk. He knew it was childish, but he really felt bad about the whole situation and needed a bit of time to come to terms with himself before he confronted his best friend again. He did however make sure to apologize to Hoseok, Changkyun, Jooheon and Hyungwon as they happened to have dinner together the day after the argument. That alone made him feel a bit better, but still, he knew that the problem was waiting to be completely solved.

After two days of working without stopping it didn’t come as a surprise that he managed to disregard his morning alarm and sleep in, practically jumping out of bed when he realized that it was already 10am and he had one unread email – apparently from the company. Rubbing his eyes hastily he opened it and squinted at the blurry text on his phone.

“Minhyuk!” he practically screamed, opening the door of his room and storming out and into the living room, looking around like a lunatic.

“Good morning to you too,” Hyungwon looked back at him and continued munching on his cereal.

“Where is he?” Kihyun barked, looking from the tall dancer to Hoseok who just entered the room himself, mostly to see what the commotion was about.

“I’m here… what’s wrong with you?” Minhyuk followed right after, rubbing his eyes sleepily as well and raised his hands in front of him defensively when Kihyun stuck his phone in his face.

“You actually reported me?” the shorter singer almost screamed again, obviously not even trying to control his anger.

“What are you talking about?” his best friend looked utterly confused.

“Ah… he must be talking about the email we received from the company this morning,” Hyungwon nodded, taking his own phone to look at it again. “Apparently they’re readjusting the agreement with our fans. Adding a part in which they’re not allowed to share the content of the fan meeting outside of it whatsoever, with anyone who didn’t attend it or isn’t a part of the same group of people… fandom… however you call fans of one member,” he explained. “They even explicitly wrote they’re not allowed to talk about it with other members of Monsta X.”

“You snitched on me!” Kihyun growled at Minhyuk again, the older boy already massaging his temples.

“Stop screaming at me! That’s great how you think I snitched on you, my best friend. I’m amazed by how highly you think of me. I was your first choice, really?” he spat back bitterly.

“You were the one telling everyone and getting so angry at me…” Kihyun replied.

“Everyone being your family who you happened to spy on as a whole!” Minhyuk had enough of it.

“Enough!” Hyunwoo appeared at the door. “Kihyun, you better stop before you say anything else you’re going to regret,” he said sternly, walking up to them. “It was me.”

“What?” the main vocalist looked up at the leader, taken aback.

“I asked the management to add that part into their contracts,” the older boy explained.

“So you told them… great,” Kihyun shook his head, as if not believing Hyunwoo would do something like that.

“I didn’t tell them anything. I just asked for the change in contracts,” Hyunwoo explained.

“No, stop… I already told my fans that it was my mistake and that we should never do anything like that again… You didn’t even ask me,” Kihyun argued. “You didn’t even talk to us about this…” he looked around. “Or did you talk to the rest of the group and I was the only one excluded?” 

“It’s my responsibility as a leader. It was just a small adjustment and that was something I needed to solve,” the leader sighed, trying to reason with him and feeling a pang of guilt as he could clearly read the hurt and disappointment in Kihyun’s eyes. “Ki, I had to do it.”

“No. You told me we’re supposed to talk,” Kihyun said firmly. “It goes both ways. Even more if you’re the leader,” he finished and quickly moved back to his room, letting the tears escape his eyes only once the door behind him was closed.

Hyunwoo felt extremely tired and it wasn’t even lunch time yet. He was standing by the window in room 31 on the 3rd floor of Starship building, waiting for his fans to come and felt absolutely drained, not even sure if the fan meeting would make him feel better. But Monbebe did have that power and Showcubs were his new friends, so maybe it was time to open up and tell them what was bothering him. He toyed with that thought for a moment until his mind drifted back to Kihyun, causing him to let out a heavy sigh. The leader of Monsta X knew he didn’t do the right thing, ironically actually behaving the same way as the shorter vocalist, not thinking it through before acting. The fact that it was his duty to do something about it didn’t justify it in the end.

The door opened and he turned to look at Seulgi entering, along with Hyojin and Hajoon and he smiled at them as they greeted him. He moved to get himself a cup of coffee as the trio put their things down and joined him.

“Are you alright?” the ballerina looked at him, obviously noticing he wasn’t in his best mood.

“I had a rough couple of days,” Hyunwoo admitted, but smiled again. “It’s okay. I will talk about it when everyone comes,” he looked from her to Seulgi. “I have a feeling you’re going to scold me by the end of it,” he joked.

“Me? Why?” the girl asked, slightly surprised.

“I don’t know… I believe I didn’t act the way I was supposed to and I’m pretty sure you won’t hesitate to tell me that.”

“It’s pretty hard to believe you’d do something you’re not supposed to, hyung,” Hajoon replied instead and chuckled a bit.

“Yeah, well… we all make mistakes,” Hyunwoo sighed, turning to look at Minwoo coming into the room. “Ah, Minwoo, hey… Can you stay a bit longer after the meeting? I wanted to ask you something.”

“Hi. Yeah, sure,” the dancer nodded, putting his bag down much like their friends did before him and joining them for a coffee. 

Soon the other two girls arrived and Hyunwoo moved to sit on the big table, ready to start talking and smiling slightly at the expectant faces in front of him.

“I had a couple of bad days and then did something… unwise, so now I feel pretty bad about it and I wanted to share,” he started, feeling a bit embarrassed as he wasn’t used to opening up to his fans, but it was nothing all of them didn’t know already. “We had a fight a couple of days ago… we as a group. Actually, Kihyun had a fight with the rest of us. Especially Minhyuk, which is pretty bad and doesn’t really happen because they’re best friends and tend to talk a lot.”

“What was the fight about?” Hyojin asked. “I mean, you don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to…”

“Kihyun… did something he wasn’t supposed to. There was something we agreed on and he found a way to break that agreement. So, naturally, we all got angry, but Minhyuk especially got hurt because they are so close.”

“Does it maybe have something to do with the email we all received this morning?” Hajoon asked next, it wasn’t that hard to connect the dots.

“Yes… and that email is actually my doing,” Hyunwoo continued. “It was my duty to ask for the adjustment of your contracts, we obviously need to have that covered too. So I just felt that I should do it, as a leader. I didn’t feel the need to talk about it to the rest of them, since we all already think the same. I know that Kihyun knows what he did was wrong too. But we haven’t talked in a couple of days and this morning he just found it out through the email and… he felt excluded. We didn’t even make up after the fight a couple of days ago and I did this now, without thinking,” the singer sighed.

“I see why you thought I was going to scold you,” Seulgi sighed as well. “But you know what you did wrong. I don’t think it’s such a big deal that Kihyun oppa won’t understand.”

“He basically called me a hypocrite. And I should have been more responsible since I’m a leader too.”

“You’re a great leader. The rest of the group pointed it out more than once and we know it too. Maybe you made a mistake now, but you will fix it. You should just do it soon or both you and Kihyun hyung will only feel worse,” Minwoo reasoned and Hyunwoo nodded, knowing it all already.

“It’s just… sometimes, being a leader is so exhausting,” the older man admitted. “I don’t actually mind it, I love my members and it’s never been too heavy of a burden to carry. I actually am pretty satisfied with the way I’ve handled it all these years, but sometimes I slip like this. I just feel disappointed with myself and I don’t want them to… I don’t know, feel like they can’t lean on me anymore.”

“Hyunwoo hyung, I really don’t think anyone will think that,” Hajoon shook his head, looking at him. “They know you well and it’s just your feelings right now telling you that.”

“I…” he bit his lip, hesitating. “I think I might be afraid to face Kihyun,” he looked at his fans, who looked slightly surprised by that. 

“Why?” a tall, red haired girl named Dahae asked, looking confused.

“I’m scared he won’t accept it. I think,” Hyunwoo looked slightly lost, knowing he was probably wrong about it, considering the bond he felt with Kihyun, the bond that only grew stronger through their career together, but he couldn’t erase the look the younger vocalist gave him this morning and he didn’t like it one bit.

“I’m sure your relationship with Kihyun oppa is stronger than that,” Seulgi commented, giving him a reassuring smile and he couldn’t help but nod, wanting to believe he was just overreacting.

Once the fan meeting was over and the group left the room Minwoo walked over to him.

“You wanted to talk?” he asked, readjusting the bag on his shoulder as he looked at Hyunwoo.

“Yeah. I talked to Hyungwon and Hoseok and we would like you to join us for a dance project… if you would like?” the older boy proposed.

“A dance project? Did you have in mind something in particular?” Minwoo asked more, his eyes lighting up in curiosity. 

“Not really… we just want to do something fun and different and we think you can lead it, teach us something new… we don’t have a clear idea really, we just want to do something on our own,” Hyunwoo explained. “We usually have side projects when we’re free, most of the times it’s just us having fun and it doesn’t end up being shown anywhere… We wanted to include you now that you’re back and well… maybe upload the result of it on youtube or maybe even perform it some time somewhere? We can discuss that later.” 

“That sounds good. Yeah, sure, count me in. I always wanted to dance with you guys,” Minwoo chuckled, nodding.

“We’re not as good as you, so you will have to be patient with us,” Hyunwoo warned, half-joking.

“Seriously…” the younger guy rolled his eyes and shook his head. “You really want me to make you try something new now.”

“That’s the idea,” the leader of Monsta X grinned, wrapping his arm around Minwoo and walking out of the room with him.

Knocking on the door of Minhyuk’s room, Kihyun looked down at his feet, hoping to find his best friend in a calmer mood than he was a couple of hours ago. It was his fault and it was finally time to talk, he couldn’t continue postponing it. A moment later Minhyuk opened the door, took in his appearance and sighed, moving to the side to let him in.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Kihyun simply said once the door was closed, not really knowing what else there is to say, even though he could guess that it would probably be better to actually explain it to Minhyuk. The two of them didn’t hold secrets from each other after all.

“Ki… you made me feel unworthy of your trust after so many years. I don’t understand what happened, but it really hurt,” the older boy watched him, trying to put his thoughts into words without getting angry again. “I tried to understand why you did it, but it all led to me thinking you kept things from me… from all of us… and then recklessly decided to do something like that. Also today – it hurts to think that you thought I could tell on you like that. That’s not the Kihyun I know. You always stop to think twice before you do anything. I… I just don’t understand.”

Kihyun looked back at him, feeling like crying and he must have looked like it too because Minhyuk seemed to panic and quickly wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close.

“I really screwed up, didn’t I?” the shorter vocalist almost whined and held onto his best friend. “You’re right, I… It was so stupid.”

“It’s okay, nothing happened. We will fix it, but you need to talk, Ki,” Minhyuk soothingly replied, stepping back to look at him again.

“It’s really embarrassing,” Kihyun looked down again, feeling so small and followed his best friend who pulled him down to sit and didn’t say anything, obviously waiting for him to continue. “I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do… at my fan meetings. I don’t feel as comfortable as most of you when it comes to sharing intimate things with fans.”

“We’re not really comfortable with it either, you just have that impression,” Minhyuk shook his head.

“Still, you’re more open to it than me. I mean, I can talk about all sorts of things and I would love to provide support to them, but when it comes to myself… I’m not sure if I really want to do it.”

“You don’t have to do it if you’re not comfortable. I think you’re doing great, Ki,” the older boy reassured him again. “That was the reason? You wanted to see how we’re doing it? You could have asked us.”

“I know, but… I wasn’t feeling comfortable about it,” Kihyun quietly replied. “Also… I wanted to see how you guys are doing. Especially Changkyun and Hyunwoo hyung,” he admitted. “I might not be all that good at talking unless it’s nagging you guys.”

“You were concerned,” Minhyuk stated and shook his head. “God, I’m stupid. Of course you were,” he looked at him. “I know… we know you’re concerned about us, we learned that you show it in your own way a long time ago. This was probably the weirdest way to show it though,” he tried to joke and reached out to hold Kihyun’s hands. “You should have talked to me, you’re really dumb, you know?”

“I know,” Kihyun laughed too, meeting Minhyuk’s warm gaze with his own. “Thanks.”

“I love you, dummy,” his best friend replied and Kihyun laughed again.

“Yeah, I love you too…”

“You need to talk to Hyunwoo hyung though, I don’t think I need to tell you that.”

“I know,” Kihyun nodded and moved to hug Minhyuk again, feeling half of weight pressing down on his chest being lifted.

“Hyungwon-ah, can you please leave us alone?” the main vocalist of Monsta X looked at his taller friend when he entered the room Hyungwon shared with Jooheon and Hyunwoo. The dancer stood up from his bed and nodded, sparing Kihyun of snarky comments and giving him a small smile instead as he passed by him and left the room. Kihyun turned to Hyunwoo, but before he managed to say anything the leader spoke first.

“I’m really sorry, Ki,” his friend said and Kihyun walked over to sit down next to him. “You were right, I hurried to solve the problem, but I didn’t talk to any of you and that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be done.”

“I overreacted, hyung,” Kihyun shook his head. “I messed it all up and then tried to defend myself when I was at fault and then I snapped at both Minhyuk and you… It was really wrong. All of it.”

“I hurt you,” Hyunwoo whispered and Kihyun smiled, putting his hand on his shoulder.

“No… well, it hurt, but then I… I understand why you did it.”

“I… are we okay?” Kihyun was somewhat confused by the question.

“Of course we are. Hyung, what kind of question is that? You made a mistake, but my reaction was over the top and… you would have to do much worse for us to not be okay,” he smiled and let Hyunwoo suddenly pull him into a hug.

“We always talk, what was this dumb behavior?” he laughed, still holding the younger boy close.

“I don’t know… out of character experience?” Kihyun offered, stroking Hyunwoo’s back gently.

“You really need to talk, Ki. I’m serious about this,” the tall dancer got serious again. “I was really scared of losing you,” he whispered and his friend only tightened the hug, almost hearing a tiny piece of his heart break at those words.

“Not happening,” he whispered back, firmly believing it was nearly impossible.

After all, Hyunwoo was his strongest pillar of support. Little did he know it was the other way around too.


	16. Hidden information

“Hyung, what are you doing here?” Changkyun looked at his best friend as Jooheon appeared on the door of his studio.

“You’ve been buried here for far too long, so I had to make the first move,” the older rapper replied, walking in and sitting down on a chair next to Changkyun’s, waiting for him to join him.

“It’s not like you or Hoseok hyung don’t do the same when you’re working,” the maknae defended himself, taking a seat too and glancing at the track he’s been working on.

“Want me to hear it?” Jooheon offered, looking at the monitor in front of them too.

“I don’t know… I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore,” the younger boy sighed. He’s been having a hard time with his inspiration lately and brainstorming stories with Eunbyul didn’t help much as he constantly seemed to be distracted – by the man sitting beside him now nonetheless. Minhyuk was right, he should have talked to him sooner.

“What’s wrong?” Jooheon asked.

“I don’t know, it just doesn’t sound right to me. And I end up simply trying out different things, because I feel like I’m just searching for something I can’t put my finger on,” Changkyun tried to explain. It was vague – both his thoughts and the music he’s been working on. Without impact or point he wanted to deliver. He knew it was like throwing hits in the dark, he couldn’t even see what the target was, let alone hit it. It was a waste of time and energy if his mind wasn’t set on the final result he wanted to achieve.

The older rapper pressed the space bar, starting his sad attempt at mixtape and focused on it, remaining silent until the part he had played with was over.

“I don’t know what that is, Kyun,” he looked at the maknae as he stopped the music.

“I told you,” Changkyun chuckled, almost bitterly.

“You’re circling, but I don’t see the story in it,” Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows, looking back at the soundwave, as if trying to read it.

“I know,” the younger boy sighed. “It’ll come to me eventually, I guess.”

“You have been working on this for so long?” Jooheon asked then, looking back at him. “Why didn’t you ask for help? Or take a break and clear your head so you can put your thoughts into it?” he suddenly shut up, but Changkyun knew what would come next – lecture about waste of time and energy when he could have recharged himself and start over instead.

“I didn’t feel like it. I wanted to keep trying,” he shrugged in reply, avoiding Jooheon’s gaze.

“When were you going to try talking to me then?” his best friend changed the course of the conversation and Changkyun looked at him in surprise.

“I… we had something to talk about?” he was bad at pretending he didn’t know what Jooheon was talking about and he knew it.

“Yes, about you disappearing from me to work on this,” Jooheon gestured towards the monitor. “You gave me an honest talk about the past, wrapping it into an interesting anecdote that is not relevant anymore, except that it became the basis of our close friendship and then ran away, leaving me confused.”

“I gave you an embarrassing talk. Why are you confused?” Changkyun replied, blushing suddenly.

“Why are you embarrassed?” the older rapper shot back immediately. “I’m your best friend. Okay, I might have been dumb not to notice you liking me back then, but you somehow moved on from that and we’re still best friends, yet you’re avoiding me.”

Changkyun huffed, not knowing what to say and not liking how Jooheon basically caught him off guard even though he knew the talk would come sooner or later.

“I don’t really know what to think, Kyun,” Jooheon added, his voice getting softer as he looked at his own hands.

“There’s nothing to think about… I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” Changkyun simply replied, hoping Jooheon will drop it.

“I just… miss you,” his best friend said. “And I hate feeling like we’re not okay when you assured me it shouldn’t be awkward between us. You said it’s in the past. You…” he paused, looking up. “It doesn’t feel like that’s true.”

“Jooheon…” Changkyun shook his head, unhappy with himself.

“Why would you avoid me if you weren’t uncomfortable?” Jooheon continued. “It doesn’t make sense… what was that talk about anyway? I mean, okay, I’m glad you told me, but what was the point of it?”

“There was no point, I just felt like telling you,” the maknae said. “I see it was a bad idea now, but I wasn’t thinking much about it back then. I opened up to my fans, so I thought I could open up to you too.”

“You can,” the older rapper sighed. “Of course you can. You just caught me off guard and now I don’t know what to do with that information.”

“You don’t need to do anything, I told you it’s in the past and I don’t expect you to do anything with it!” Changkyun exclaimed, standing up in frustration and moving to get himself a can of soda, pacing around a bit once he opened it and took a sip. “It was a stupid talk, okay? I shouldn’t have said anything,” Jooheon watched him, frowning a bit. “What?”

“Nothing… I’m still confused,” the older boy quietly responded.

“Look…” he sat back down, placing the can on the table. “I told you a story, I got embarrassed, I ran away. It’s not a big deal… I’m still a kid, remember?” Changkyun chuckled, hoping, yet again, that Jooheon will buy it.

“Yeah, a kid,” Jooheon nodded, still looking at him intently. “So, we’re good?”

“We’re good. I’m sorry I left you,” the maknae offered a smile and then opened his arms. Jooheon hesitated for a moment before he chuckled a bit and hugged his best friend.

He wasn’t entirely convinced, but if this meant they were going to go back to the way they used to be he was going to go with it. Changkyun pulled the threads of their relationship, even if Jooheon lost that little piece of information in numerous thoughts and questions filling his head.

“Bomi-yah!” Tall girl turned around as she recognized the voice of her classmate and looked at him in surprise, not used to him starting a conversation with her. Hajoon quickly walked up to her, making sure not to lose all the notes and books he was carrying in his arms. It was a rather funny sight and she held back a chuckle at how cute he actually managed to look.

“Yes?” she finally replied, starting to walk once he reached her and expecting him to ask her for some additional notes, although she doubted the resident nerd needed them, especially judging by the pile in his hands.

“Are you going to that party on Saturday?” the handsome boy asked, contrary to her expectations and she glanced up at him, not even trying to mask her surprise once again.

“I guess?” she started, thinking how she forgot to tell her friends about it and they were supposed to spend that evening together. “Thanks for reminding me, I forgot to tell Eunbyul and Hana. Saturdays are usually reserved for our little gatherings.” she added, basically thinking out loud, before she stopped herself, realizing it wasn’t necessary for him to know that. “Why?”

“I was thinking of going, so…” Hajoon trailed off.

“For a guy who went to a party for the first time a month ago, you sure are going places,” Bomi commented.

“That wasn’t my first time,” he tightened hold on his books, looking defensive.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replied, not really knowing what to say to that. “So, you’re going to the party. Again. And I need to know that because…?”

“Well, I don’t really hang out with people around here…” he gestured vaguely, forgetting that he was still holding a bunch of papers, some accidentally escaping him. Bomi bent down, picking them up and handed them back to him.

“So you want to hang out with me instead?” she sounded harsher than intended, but she didn’t understand his point and she preferred to just be blunt and get to it.

“Yes?” he replied, sounding unsure.

“You’re not sure?” she asked back, raising her eyebrow. “We both know I can bite, you don’t have to be so scared.”

“That doesn’t make sense,” he chuckled.

“I mean, we both know what I’m capable of, knowing it should make it less scary… Anyway, I make you feel uncomfortable, why would you try hanging out with me?” Bomi decided a different approach.

“You don’t make me feel uncomfortable,” Hajoon stopped walking, looking somewhat offended.

“Really?” she looked back at him, smirking slightly. “Fine, let’s see each other on Saturday then.”

“Yeah?” his eyes lit up and she couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah. Okay. See you on Saturday,” he nodded then and took a step back, making her realize he followed her to the opposite part of the building from the one he was supposed to be in for his next lecture.

“Want me to pick you up?” she joked, watching him.

“I’ll just… meet you there,” he replied, obviously not catching her joke and she laughed, watching him turn around and start running, only to drop some of his notes again.

Shaking her head, she continued on her way as well, not stopping to think why she agreed. Not until she realized Eunbyul and Hana still needed to be informed about the change of plans.

Jooheon ate his lunch, absentmindedly looking out of the window as he thought about his visit to Changkyun’s studio. They were fine, that was the most important, of course. But why did he feel like that story was left unfinished?

“Honey, when is your fan meeting starting?” Minhyuk asked him as he entered the dining room.

“In three hours,” the younger boy quietly replied and took another bite of his food. “Why?”

“I’m going to the company, I thought we could go together, but you still have time… It doesn’t matter,” Minhyuk dismissed it and took his bottle of water, putting it into his bag.

“Okay, hyung,” Jooheon smiled. “Are you and Kihyun hyung okay now?” he asked.

“Yeah, everything is great again,” the vocalist grinned, before sitting down in front of him. He had a little bit time to spare. “What about Changkyun?”

“We talked last night. You were right,” the rapper slightly smiled.

“It doesn’t look like you’re completely satisfied though,” the older boy probed.

“How can you tell?”

“Your dimples are shallow. And your eyes are not crinkling,” Minhyuk shrugged.

“I’m not sure if he’s completely honest with me, but he said we’re alright, so I will go with that for now,” Jooheon explained.

“Okay, well, that’s a start,” Minhyuk chuckled.

“Exactly,” the rapper nodded and bit his lip, thinking about it. “I keep thinking about it though.”

“Does that surprise you?” his older friend raised his eyebrows and Jooheon looked at him in question, but then replied.

“No. I guess not.” It was strange, how could he not realize it before?

“It will all be good, Joohoney,” Minhyuk patted his hand and smiled before grabbing his bag and leaving the dorm.

“Am I really intimidating?” Bomi asked in the middle of the fan meeting. Jooheon did find her unusually quiet for the first half of it. “No, wait, don’t answer that.”

“You are,” he did anyway, laughing a bit as she huffed.

“I didn’t want to hear it,” she whined. “But okay, yes, I know.”

“What’s this about?” he crossed his arms, watching her.

“Someone asked her on a date…” Hana replied.

“Really? That boy is really something,” Jooheon teased, raising his arms when Bomi threatened him with a pillow. “I’m joking, I’m joking!” he laughed.

“It’s not a date,” the usually loud girl corrected her friend. “There is just this party on Saturday…”

“And he wanted to make sure she’ll be there,” Hana supplied the additional information again.

“So it’s a date. In a way,” Jooheon concluded.

“It is a party. And Hana and Eunbyul are going with me too,” Bomi replied.

“Eunbyul said she wanted to cancel our regular evening anyway. And I’m pretty sure I told you I’m not sure if I will be able to go or not,” Hana replied.

“You have better plans? On Saturday? We’re meeting every Saturday and suddenly both of you have other plans?” her friend turned to her.

“I’m sorry I haven’t informed you I have friends beside you and Eunbyul. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun with Hajoon anyway,” Hana smirked.

“Wait, Hajoon?” Jooheon and the rest of their little group perked up at the name. “Our Hajoon?”

“Hana…” Bomi whined, hitting her friend’s arm lightly.

“No wonder he finds you intimidating,” Jooheon chuckled, receiving a glare from Bomi immediately. “I’m sorry… but wow, I didn’t think he would… make a move… on you.”

“First of all, that’s not what making a move looks like. Second, what’s wrong with hitting on me?” Bomi crossed her arms as well, daring Jooheon to continue.

“Don’t get me wrong, but… Hajoon is…”

“A nerd?”

“… pretty shy and… soft,” Jooheon replied.

“A nerd with no social skills then,” she deadpanned.

“But you agreed,” the rapper smirked, watching her.

“I agreed,” she sighed. “He looked kind of cute. Plus he insisted I didn’t make him uncomfortable. I’m always up for a challenge,” the grin looked almost sinister.

“Oh god, don’t scare the poor boy,” Jooheon immediately scolded her.

“Well… we’ll see about that,” Bomi chuckled. “So I’m intimidating. That’s… I don’t know what to think about that image.”

“You’re more than that,” the rapper replied, watching Hana and the rest of the group agree with him. “It’s like people being used to me being the cool rapper on stage and an aegyo-doing baby off it. You know how hard I tried changing that.”

“You didn’t succeed completely,” Bomi frowned.

“That might be true, but there’s a lot more to me, like there’s a lot more to you. Besides, it is a part of me in the end,” he shrugged. “Maybe that’s a nice way to look at it. Yes, you can be intimidating, but you’re also soft.”

“I’m not soft,” she protested.

“I’m afraid we know you better than you think,” he smiled. “Let other people get to know you too.” Bomi looked at him, staying silent. She looked cute. “It’s okay to be unsure or afraid or, well, open. You didn’t have a problem with it before, what changed?”

“I was a kid, now I’m supposed to be all grown-up.”

“What does that even mean? You think grown-ups don’t show what they consider to be their weaknesses? Being able to show them without fear is what makes you a grown-up,” Jooheon chuckled, then paused looking at her. “You love being intimidating,” she blushed. “You’re trying to be all tough and cool. Oh Bomi…”

“Ah stop… there’s nothing wrong with it,” she frowned.

“True… if you don’t use it as a mask, letting all the important little things that you think make you vulnerable stay hidden behind it.”

“That is beautiful,” Hana smiled.

“It is. Don’t keep it hidden for long,” Jooheon smiled, looking at the girl in front of him.

The image of a hiding maknae invaded his thoughts.


	17. Artful bunch

Hyunjae sat on the floor of his room, looking at the drawings spread out in front of him and glancing at his best friend from time to time as the slightly younger boy examined them as well.

“These are all so good, Jae,” Taeil commented, looking up from yet another of his drawings. “I don’t know, maybe you should bring all of them.”

“There’s too many, of course I need to make a selection,” Hyunjae laughed slightly, moving two of the drawings he considered less satisfying and continuing to think about the rest. Taeil shrugged a bit, fixing his glasses and trying to choose the ones he liked more, even though it was a really hard task for him.

“It’s such a cool idea though. Hyungwon hyung seems to be really interested in fanart,” the young composer commented, handing his best friend three drawings he thought he should definitely show.

“Yeah… Yoonhee noona will definitely come with her amazing work… I’m not really confident about these,” the artist almost sulked, judging his most recent drawing before discarding it to the pile that was staying home.

“I’m not even going to say anything to that, you know what I think,” Taeil looked at him pointedly and focused on the art again.

Hyunjae smiled a bit to himself, Taeil has always been the biggest supporter of his art, but that was a part of his job description as a best friend. The two of them have been friends since high school, Hyunjae just a couple of months older than Taeil, brought together by their love for different forms of art and the fact they were both what most of the people would label as geeks.

Taeil was the one who introduced Hyunjae to Monsta X and even though the older boy couldn’t really understand his best friend’s fascination with the group at first, he liked the music and, bit by bit, became a fan as well. And once he did it was only natural to find inspiration in faces and bodies of the members, especially Hyungwon.

The young artist has been into drawing and painting since he was a little kid and knew he wanted to make it his profession pretty early, so his free time was spent with pen and sketchbook, sometimes also watercolors and he considered them best friends along with Taeil. The younger boy was interested in music in return and could understand Hyunjae’s love for art, always being his work’s number one admirer and even more when the images of their idols became frequent visitors of Hyunjae’s sketchbook.

Being a part of a fandom wasn’t new to Hyunjae, like it wasn’t new for Taeil either, but up until Monsta X they have both been more interested in movies, comics and anime. Becoming Monbebe meant admiring real people and to Hyunjae it was quite different, mainly because those people were supposed to be just like him and his best friend – well, maybe more like his best friend considering their passion for music, but despite that at first glance they looked like they were flawless.

Impeccable dance skills, beautiful voices that blended well and handsome facial features – to the point that they sometimes looked like princes coming out of either fairytales or anime he liked so much – that’s what intrigued Hyunjae. It wasn’t possible for a human being to be perfect and usually the true beauty was reflecting in those imperfections, so he wanted to find just that – a flaw. That’s how he got more interested and started getting to know them better, collecting charming flaws here and there. Things that made Monsta X human and therefore inspired the young artist to grab his pen and start putting them on paper.

When new comeback came Taeil grabbed his hand and dragged him to a fansign and Hyunjae felt like he stepped into a new world. The one with Monsta X members breathing the same air as him, yes, the opportunity to look at imperfections first hand, but also a chance to look at all the other people loving them and their art. Monbebe family was kind and inviting, versatile and beautiful. Hyunjae loved everything he saw in that new world that afternoon and he made sure his sketchbook also knew that he was there to stay.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” the artist asked, packing more drawings away.

“I really can’t. I’m sad. I’m sure Hyungwon hyung will love all your guys’ drawings. It’s going to be so much fun,” Taeil pouted, standing up and grabbing his bag. “You have to tell me all about it after.”

“You know we shouldn’t share what happens at fan meetings,” Hyunjae chuckled.

“No, but I only want to hear about hyung’s reactions,” the younger boy smiled. “And I’m sure Yoonhee noona will show me her work if I ask her to.”

“I don’t know why everyone loves you so much,” Hyunjae joked, shaking his head.

“That’s because I’m everyone’s precious maknae and I’m all adorable and squishy…” Taeil joked too. “Actually, I’m not sure if I like that,” he pushed his glasses higher up on his nose as he made his way to the door.

“You secretly do,” the older boy whispered and laughed.

“You’re not much older, Jae,” Taeil rolled his eyes as his best friend walked him to the door and opened it for him. They looked similar, to the point that a lot of people thought they were brothers.

“Still older than you,” he teased. “Coffee tomorrow is still on?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll see you if I survive my classes,” the young composer laughed and waved at him as the elevator arrived to Hyunjae’s floor and Taeil went in.

“Right… I should hurry,” Hyunjae said to himself and went to finish packing his bag, excited for today’s fanmeeting.

Woohee smiled at Miran as the older girl, along with Yewon and Songhee talked to her, curious to learn more about her and obviously trying to make her more comfortable. A couple of days ago Yoonhee proposed going to Hyungwon’s fan meeting together and biology student knew right away that her new friend wanted her to meet more Monbebe, in attempt to get more comfortable. It obviously worked as Woohee found herself effortlessly making friends, much easier than she usually did. She could only understand it as a part of Monbebe power, as people she was currently surrounded with obviously didn’t take “no” for an answer when it came to making friends with “one of their kind”.

First thing that she learned about Royalties was that they were all girls apart from one boy, reminding her a lot of Taeil. Judging by the sketchbook in his lap and the way he greeted Yoonhee when he saw her and then proceeded to chat with her, she understood he was an artist as well and she was curious to see his work. That’s what they were here for today too, as Hyungwon informed all participants of the project that all artists are welcome to come to the fan meeting.

Soon after her and Yoonhee arrived and she met all of Hyungwon’s Monbebe she was practically snatched by the three girls she was currently talking to and only watched a couple more people join them. Hyungwon warmly watched all of them gather and one last time looked at his watch – the famous twin to Hoseok’s – before he walked over to them and sat down.

“I think no one else will join us, so we can start,” the handsome vocalist smiled, looking over at them. “I’m glad there’s so many of you,” he admitted, chuckling a bit. “I wasn’t sure how many of you will come…”

“Why?” Yoonhee asked, slightly surprised, knowing all of them were pretty open with showing their work.

“To be honest, we don’t really know all the fans that are a part of the project,” Hyungwon replied. “I mean, each of us chose fans on our own. Changkyun and Jooheon were the only ones doing it together, mainly because our maknae was indecisive, so Jooheon offered for the two of them to do it together,” he explained. “The rest of us didn’t consult each other and then didn’t talk about it much later either, so we only know or assume some people to be a part of it. I know all Ramyunatics because Hoseok hyung and I had the first meeting at the same time, so we saw who’s there and I know some other people because guys mentioned them here and there, but I’m not sure about all of them.”

“You really don’t talk about the meetings among each other?” Yewon asked, slightly surprised.

“If we want to share something we do, but in general not a lot,” Hyungwon replied. “Were you surprised by the adjustment in your contracts?”

“Well… not exactly surprised, more like… we didn’t really think about talking about it – based on the previous rule, I guess,” Songhee replied, a couple of other people agreeing with her. “Did anything happen, so it had to be added?”

“Something did happen, yeah, but it’s okay. We just realized we need to be a bit more precise about the rules, so we can freely share dark secrets if we want to,” Hyungwon joked, causing the whole group to laugh. “Okay, let’s start,” he looked at Hyunjae who sat beside him. “Jae is the resident Royalty fanartist and I know Yoonhee’s work, so I can’t wait to see the rest of you.”

“Resident Royalty fanartist… you mean the only one,” Hyunjae commented, still hugging his sketchbook and looked around at the other people whose work he admired.

“Are you telling us you already have your favorites?” the tall boy sitting opposite from them teased, looking from Hyungwon to the boy next to him, as if challenging him. Hyunjae knew him very well, even though they barely talked to each other. Kijoon was one of Changkyun’s fanboys and Hyunjae was secretly one of his biggest fanboys.

“I have a soft spot for my youngest, yes,” Hyunjae blushed at Hyungwon’s teasing and couldn’t help but grin up at him, aware that it must have made him look like a kid in front of the rest of the group. “It’s not a competition though. Let’s see what you have to offer,” the dancer kept teasing, extending his hand and taking Kijoon’s sketchbook.

The young artist couldn’t help but look over Hyungwon’s shoulder as the singer went through the drawings and paintings, openly admiring the works in front of him. He always found Kijoon’s art special in a way he couldn’t really describe and that was exactly the reason why he loved it so much.

“I will give you all to look, you don’t have to peek,” Hyungwon teased him before ruffling his hair and Hyunjae blushed again, fighting the urge to pout and instead busying himself with his own sketchbook, feeling a bit embarrassed as he felt two pairs of eyes on him.

Next to Kijoon sat Jinki, Jooheon’s fanboy who always seemed to be attached to Kijoon’s hip. There were times when he was slightly envious of their friendship, times when he had to remind himself that he was being ridiculous, since he had a similar relationship with Taeil. But Taeil wasn’t a fanartist and Hyunjae could only wonder what it would be like to have such a close friend who would share the love for visual art like the other two boys did. The thought crossed Hyunjae’s mind once again and he looked up at them, confirming that they were looking back at him, the teasing smirk still resting on Kijoon’s lips and he sighed, turning to Yoonhee instead and waiting for Hyungwon to share his work with the rest of them.

“I love this one,” the singer smiled broadly, turning the painting of Changkyun and Jooheon to the rest of them and Hyunjae smiled as he recognized it, it being one of his favorite ones too. “We should all look at these together…” Hyungwon added, spreading the works and letting the rest of the group pass them around before he took the other sketchbooks and started doing the same again.

“There’s so many…” Songhee chuckled, looking around at the drawings being passed over between them. “You people… these are really amazing,” she commented, focusing on one drawing of Kihyun, then looking at another one of the whole group together.

“Yeah, I’m pretty impressed too,” Hyungwon nodded, his gaze shifting from one to another, not being able to choose which one he loved more and then taking one of Yoonhee’s drawings.

“You seem to always like Hyungwonho drawings,” the girl chuckled, glancing over at him before taking one of Hyunjae’s works.

“Yeah, well, we look good,” the singer smirked slightly. “You guys love to ship us? I mean, not just Hoseok hyung and me, but like… There’s Hyunghyuk and Showki and… how do you call Jooheon’s and Minhyuk’s ship?” he looked around and then back at one of the girls sitting nearby.

“Joohyuk,” the girl responded. “We just like the dynamics you’re showing to us.”

“I know… thanks… Namjoo, right?” he asked and the girl nodded. “Which ones are yours?” he added and looked at some drawings of Hyunwoo and Showki she pointed at. “They really look… real,” he chuckled.

“Thanks,” she replied, blushing lightly. Hyungwon looked at some of them more carefully and then smiled back at her before he turned to the boy sitting next to her.

“I didn’t think you would join us, Jaejin-ah,” he told him. “I’m happy you did, I assume you brought us some of your designs?”

“Yeah… I thought it would be cool to show you and everyone here some of my recent designs,” the younger boy replied, opening his sketchbook. “I’ve been experimenting more lately and I feel like your stylists are inspiring me, to be honest,” he chuckled. “I also tried sketching you guys along with the clothes, since I’m trying to match the image of you with clothes I want to make, so yeah… here…” he took out the drawings and handed them over to his friends around him, slightly nervous about their opinion.

Fashion has been Jaejin’s passion even before he became a Monbebe, but becoming a part of the fandom and admiring all the clothes Monsta X stylists carefully picked for the idols to wear made him decide to pursue that career. He has been exploring different ideas throughout his studies, but somehow loved coming back and look for more inspiration in Monsta X, his Monbebe heart feeling most comfortable and free when he played with darker, sexy concepts that involved a lot of leather and lace. Jaejin considered them something similar to trademarks, a beginning point from which he would set his imagination free and play, introducing different colors and materials to blend in and creating rather unique designs.

Designing clothes didn’t require faces of the models, so he never drew them, but this time he tried to at least sketch the basic features of each Monsta X member. He knew his drawing skills when it came to facial features couldn’t compare to any of the fanartists he was surrounded with today, but he also knew they would all probably like to see what he did as well, especially with his reputation of being one of the most promising young fashion designers Seoul had to offer in the last couple of years.

Indeed, praises of his friends followed his sketches as they were passed around until they finally reached Hyungwon. The dancer took his time looking them over intently and, if a small smile lingering on his face was any indication, Jaejin could tell that he liked them.

“I would really like to wear this, Jaejin-ah,” finally, Hyungwon spoke, looking up at him. “These are so good, really, now I want to talk to our stylists,” he chuckled. “Would you like us to wear them?”

“I made them thinking about you wearing them, what do you think?” Jaejin teased and shook his head.

“We definitely should… and then later, when you become more famous than us we can brag that you made clothes for us,” the singer grinned at him and looked down at the sketch of the clothes Jaejin paired with his image. “It’s… they have similarities to the stuff we wore at some point… like this ribbon here…” he pointed at the ribbon placed close to his neck, but not being tied around it, the way it usually would’ve been in the past. “… but you use the details differently, so it looks fresh.”

“That was the idea, yeah,” Jaejin smiled.

“I want it,” Hyungwon was firm, looking up at him again.

“Okay?” the boy chuckled slightly, not knowing how to react as he didn’t expect Hyungwon to love it so much – to the point of really wanting to wear it.

“I need to talk to hyungs about this,” Hyungwon added. “May I keep the sketches for now?”

“Yeah, sure,” Jaejin nodded. “You can just give them to Minhyuk hyung to give me back when you don’t need them anymore,” he offered.

“Okay, great,” the tall idol grinned, looking like an excited kid who got his candy and safely put the drawings back into the sketchbook, putting it away. He then turned to the rest of the group. “I actually wanted to ask you guys about it too. May I take some of your drawings and show them to the members? I think they would love them as much as I do,” he asked.

“I don’t think you need to ask them,” Yewon chuckled, looking around at all the eager faces, people agreeing quickly. “But we want to look at them more first, so no packing just yet.”

Hyungwon chuckled in reply and let the group admire the art they all made together more, sitting back and simply enjoying watching Monbebe interact and spending that valuable time together.

At that moment, he really couldn’t think of anything more precious.


	18. Mirror of trust

His reflection in the mirror blended into the image of himself two weeks ago yet again. Minhyuk seemed to not be able to forget the way his face looked back then, sitting on the cloud called Sangwook’s couch and staring at the mirror the younger boy gave to him after he had finished his makeup.

Monsta X’s visual felt that that night simply shifted something in their newly-founded friendship and he knew it was his fault. However, he wouldn’t call it a fault, rather something entirely new and maybe even dangerous, as he doubted any idol would invite themselves over to one of their fans’ places in the middle of the night, especially not as easily as he did. It was dangerous – even though it was Sangwook and he was well aware that he grew pretty close to the boy through all the messages they have been exchanging, but at that same time it had such a calming effect on him, a quiet night spent with a friend, soothing like the tea he sipped on, waiting for the younger boy to do his magic. So, it was clearly Sangwook’s fault as well.

Talking to the young sociologist brought him peace that night. The cloud-like couch, fluffy pillow in his arms, the smell of the tea and warm eyes, attentively listening to him made Minhyuk relax and step back, let go of his worries and give into being just a boy, visiting his friend and suddenly feeling excited for the opportunity to have his face painted. Becoming a part of some innocent, fun play the two of them suddenly participated in, like a small secret they shared, hidden behind all those messages and now stepping out into the real world as well.

The thought of letting Sangwook put makeup on him with that meaning behind – to show what the singer looked like in his eyes was making Minhyuk much more nervous, but at the same time relaxed. This was Sangwook – the simple sentence he used like a mantra while the artist went to fetch his makeup kit shocked him as he realized what he was doing. This was Sangwook – and he trusted him so much.

He let go, again, scooting closer once his friend returned to him and closing his eyes, letting him put the colors on his face. The touch was gentle, light, comfortable and Minhyuk held back a smile as he waited patiently, the whole ordeal finishing faster than he expected.

“Done,” Sangwook simply stated and greeted him with a smile when the singer opened his eyes. He was curious to see what he looked like, but if the younger boy’s eyes were reflecting his own image he must have been shining. “Would you like to see?”

“Yeah,” Minhyuk quietly replied. “But… do you want to put makeup for today too?”

“I… I don’t know,” the artist seemed to be hesitating, making Minhyuk confused.

“Why?”

“This day was so full of… everything… I’m not sure how to put all those emotions on my face. It needs to be chaos,” Sangwook laughed lightly, leaning back and thinking. “I don’t want it to be chaos, I’m not feeling chaotic right now,” he smiled and turned his head to look at Minhyuk. “This whole day has been you. I want sunshine on my face.” 

“Oh god, that’s…” it took him a moment to respond, chuckling.

“Cheesy?” the younger boy laughed too. “I know… I’m sorry. In my defense, it’s way after midnight, bear with me,” he added. “I think I will turn myself into sunshine when you leave and I need it to linger.”

“You’re saying you will miss me,” Minhyuk shook his head. “You’re really something.”

“So you’ve told me before.”

“I really hope you won’t get any dumb idea like sending me a picture of myself instead of your face later,” the singer laughed.

“That’s actually a great idea,” Sangwook widened his eyes. “But no, I’m afraid the project requires me to stay loyal to myself.”

“I feel like staying here,” Minhyuk laughed, leaning back on the couch too and hugging that cozy pillow again. “It’s like… an oasis.” Sangwook smiled, watching him and gently pushed the mirror closer to him.

“Look,” the boy gently whispered, keeping his eyes on him as Minhyuk slowly took it and turned his own gaze from his friend to the reflection of himself.

First impression was that he looked soft and rather young and that made him feel like mirror was reflecting him better tonight than it usually does. It was what he felt like, a boy, far away from the adult world – at least for a moment. He stared at reflection of his own eyes and it seemed like he could delve into them deeper, a trick caused by a bit of smudged eye shadow around them. It looked unequal, asymmetrical, imperfect and his eyes weren’t the only ones like that. Little imperfections here and there weren’t covered, like usual, but left in peace – to exist together with his boyish soul, opening up and showing themselves that night.

There was a strange effect Sangwook somehow managed to make as Minhyuk’s face looked both without a trace of makeup and glowing at the same time. Rational part of the singer’s mind told him there was a thin layer of some kind of cream spreading on his cheeks, but he looked as close to what he naturally looked like as possible and he was, indeed, shining. It was obvious, but not aggressive, giving the illusion of possibility that the sunshine of Monsta X shined from the inside. Tonight the glow was so strong that it couldn’t be contained behind his boyish features.

Minhyuk could see it now, the image painting on the reflection almost every time he came upon it since that night. He was still glowing and it made him feel ridiculous, but he could feel the boy inside him being happy, just like he was when he sneaked back into Monsta X’s dorm at the break of dawn, trying not to wake up his sleeping members.

Something shifted in his friendship with Sangwook, drawing them closer. Minhyuk felt joy, he felt giddy, a tiny part of him surprising himself by the amount of unreserved trust he felt towards the younger boy.

Gayoung watched Minhyuk look over them the way he obviously liked doing, letting them chat freely and indulging in talks himself. He looked really good, but she couldn’t really pinpoint why that thought suddenly crossed her mind. Of course he looked good, he was Lee Minhyuk of Monsta X after all. Yet, she couldn’t help but feel something was different – in the way he shined, in the way he held himself.

“You’re truly a sunshine today,” she commented, smiling as the singer met her eyes and chuckled.

“Ah really?” he asked. “Thanks. I feel like I’ve been shining lately too,” he added and then clapped his hands. “I actually have an announcement to make – regarding the project,” he continued, watching the whole group perk up at that. “You will be informed by the company, but we will have joint fan meetings during the next month. We don’t have any information other than that yet, but we will be pairing up and bond all together.”

“Who will we be paired up with?” Nari asked.

“I don’t know yet. That’s literally all we know for now. We had a meeting last night,” Minhyuk admitted. “I don’t even know if we will decide by ourselves or if the company will just make a plan and tell us. Either way it should be fun. If there’s something in particular you would like to do you can send your suggestions to Gayoung and Nari and they will forward them to me, so I’ll try to plan something with the member I’m paired with.”

His friends nodded as he finished and then proceeded to talk about it and try to guess who they will be meeting next month. As Minhyuk’s eyes met Sangwook’s in the middle of that chatter he clearly saw the glint, following him like a shadow.

The tallest member of Monsta X filled his lungs with fresh spring air and smiled at the breeze ruffling his hair as he walked. Jooheon’s steps silently synched with his own as both of them listened to Minhyuk’s spring philosophy, as they liked to call it – essay consisting of the oldest boy’s sentiments towards the warmth seeping through city pores, trying to chase away the winter.

“You’re in a good mood, Min,” Hyungwon commented once he managed to catch Minhyuk pause to catch his breath.

“It’s warm,” the other singer grinned. “You seem to enjoy it too.”

“Well… you know I’m constantly cold,” the dancer shrugged a bit.

“Yeah… unless Hoseok hyung is around to warm you up,” Minhyuk smirked slightly, giving Hyungwon a knowing look.

“How does it work?” Jooheon suddenly asked, making the taller turn to him, slightly surprised to hear him after a long time of silence. It was unlike of Jooheon to be this quiet, but both Hyungwon and Minhyuk understood something was going on in his head and they felt like they should wait for him to speak on his own.

“What? Hyung and I?” he asked, not sure he understood the question.

“Yeah, it’s been going on for such a long time…” the rapper tried to explain what he meant.

“It?” Hyungwon bit his lip slightly before he proceeded. “Us having sex you mean. It’s been years, yes.”

“How?” Jooheon still struggled to ask the question correctly, which was pretty strange considering that he was usually the best with words.

“I thought we would avoid the bees talk with you at least… for obvious reasons,” Hyungwon joked, causing Minhyuk to snort as they walked up to a nearby bench and sat down, looking over at Han river.

“Won…” Jooheon whined, turning to glare at him and causing both of the older boys to laugh harder.

“What is it that you want to know, Honey?” Minhyuk asked instead.

“It will probably sound stupid,” the rapper mumbled, looking down at his feet. Hyungwon raised his eyebrow, pulling his legs up to his chest and leaned back, waiting for him to continue. “What about the feelings? I mean… I assume there are feelings involved,” Jooheon looked up.

“There are feelings, of course,” Hyungwon nodded. “Were you unsure?”

“Apparently, I can’t read other people’s feelings well,” the younger boy huffed and Minhyuk smiled to himself, understanding what the talk was about.

“What? Why do say that?” the dancer looked at him in confusion.

“I think this has something to do with Kyun,” Minhyuk quietly commented.

“Ah, that’s a special case then. An exception,” Hyungwon smiled. “What feeling didn’t you read?”

“Him liking me… oh well, I don’t think I know his feelings now either,” Jooheon replied.

The other two boys stayed silent for a moment, not sure if they want to probe further even though Jooheon seemed open now.

“Well… hyung and I have been drawn to each other I guess. That seems to be the most prominent feeling,” Hyungwon started again. “It’s the constant. He’s my magnet and my mirror… in a way. We touch and entangle and see each other over and over again. That’s how I feel. It’s weird to put it into words.”

“It sounds beautiful though,” Jooheon stared at him, surprised by the explanation as Hyungwon usually didn’t share things like that – at least not verbally.

“Maybe you should figure out what Changkyun and you are like,” his roommate suggested. “You’re much better with words than me, I bet it will sound beautiful too,” he glanced at Minhyuk, seeing him grin in understanding. Rapper duo was something else, after all.

“That will take me a lot of thinking,” Jooheon laughed.

“But you can take that time,” Minhyuk replied. “You said you guys are fine now? Things went back to the way they were?”

“Yeah, that’s what we agreed,” the rapper said. “We will see if it will really be like that.”

“Considering that you know he liked you I don’t think it will be easy,” Hyungwon replied, thinking about it.

“Why though?” Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows.

“We wouldn’t be talking about this if it’s easy,” the dancer shrugged, as it was obvious. “You look like you’re lost in your own thoughts,” he pointed out. “But, as Min said, you don’t have to worry about it. It’s better to think about it carefully. If Changkyun is willing to act like nothing happened then go with it, take that chance to figure out what’s going on with you first.”

“Him not being entirely comfortable with me is going on,” Jooheon replied.

“Hm… I don’t think so,” Hyungwon said. “I don’t think that’s all.”

“Then…”

“You’re questioning everything, we literally see your brain overworking itself to understand both Changkyun and yourself,” Minhyuk interrupted him. “It’s alright… and we’re here. I mean, we can listen.”

“Thanks,” the youngest boy sighed, looking down again.

The peaceful silence engulfed them once again and the boys all turned to look at the river, trying to organize their thoughts – some calming, some chaotic, but all turned to the people they deeply cared about.

“Do you have any idea how we will pair up?” Hyungwon asked.

“I think the company will set the pairs… do you think we would be able to agree among ourselves?” Minhyuk chuckled.

“We agree on units when we prepare for the concerts,” the dancer shrugged. “Who do you want to do it with?”

“You,” Minhyuk stuck his tongue out playfully at him as Hyungwon, equally playfully, made a face.

“Can you imagine my sleeping and your talkative bunch together? I think at least one of Royalties will murder one of yours,” his friend chuckled.

“We’re not as obnoxious as you make us be,” Minhyuk protested.

“Yeah, okay, sorry,” Hyungwon laughed.

“That’s not funny,” the other singer laughed too, playfully hitting his arm.

“I want to do it with Hyunwoo hyung,” Jooheon joined the conversation.

“Of course you do,” Minhyuk laughed.

“Your fan meeting is covered anyway, you have Bomi,” Hyungwon laughed. “She makes everything fun.”

“Actually… Hyunwoo hyung might be the right choice,” the rapper suddenly sat up as if realizing something.

“We know you love him, Honey,” the tallest boy rolled his eyes.

“No, not because of hyung,” Jooheon clarified. “Because of Hajoon.”

“Hajoon? Why Hajoon?” Minhyuk chuckled.

“Well… little bee told me someone has a crush on Bomi,” the rapper wiggled his eyebrows.

“Oh boy… I’d go to that meeting, just to watch,” Minhyuk laughed.

“Min… seriously…” Hyungwon shook his head. “I hope our meetings don’t overlap,” he playfully smirked and they all laughed.

“Are we seriously gossiping about our fans?” Jooheon asked.

“Sad lives of idols…” Hyungwon threw his head back, looking up at the sky instead, the night slowly turning it into a darker shade of navy.

“We’re gossiping about people we care about, there is a difference,” Minhyuk corrected.

“Yeah, go ahead, be cheesy, hyung,” the rapper snorted.

“What do you expect from “sunshine of the group”?” his roommate joked as well.

“I heard I glow especially well these days,” Minhyuk concluded before he poked one of Jooheon’s dimples, starting a playful series of whines and laughs, the breeze carrying their voices to the river.

Hoseok might have been Hyungwon’s mirror, but as the tall dancer watched his two friends it looked like they all were mirrors to each other. Different reflections merging together to form a special picture – maybe incomplete, but always true.


	19. Right where I belong

“Changkyun? Are you there?” Eunbyul’s voice called for him on the other end of the line, pulling him from his drifting thoughts.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening… sorry,” the rapper quickly replied.

“There are a couple of suggestions for our meeting. Inyeong proposed discussing about the music and movies we all enjoy, for example. I think it could be nice, we can also think about a movie we would maybe like to watch together some other time? Rina proposed that actually. Also, talking about our hobbies or quirky habits.” Changkyun could imagine her fixing her glasses as she talked and gesturing, probably looking at the suggestions written down in front of her. “What do you feel like doing?”

“Talking,” he simply replied. “I know it’s nothing special, but maybe I should talk.”

“You should talk?” she asked, clearly unsure what he meant.

“I let you talk about yourselves last time because I felt more comfortable that way.”

“I know.”

“I think it’s fair for me to talk this time,” he stated and listened to the faint sound of Eunbyul’s breathing on the other end.

“Are you alright?” she carefully asked, he could clearly sense it in her tone. He also knew she noticed the slight change in his behavior during the last couple of weeks, but continued acting like nothing was different, probably thinking he wouldn’t have liked her pointing it out and trying to find out what’s bothering him. “You don’t have to push yourself to talk if you don’t feel comfortable enough yet.”

“I know that,” he chuckled a bit, trying to sound cheerful. “But we agreed I should open up. It’s alright to talk, I have to start at some point.”

“Okay,” his friend chuckled too, letting it go and deciding to change the subject. “How’s mixtape going?”

“It’s not. It’s crawling. Very very slowly,” Changkyun frowned. “But I guess it’s better than a week ago,” he shrugged slightly even though she couldn’t see the gesture. “I’m trying a different approach. I don’t know why I hadn’t thought about it before. It’s going to be okay. I’m not rotting in my studio anymore, if that’s what you wanted to ask.”

“You got me,” she laughed and he could hear some noise in the distance. “Ah, I have to go, Kyun-ah.”

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow,” he smiled as they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Grabbing the stuff he will need to take with him to the studio later he went out of his room and moved around the dorm, packing what he needed. He then went to the kitchen to check out what Kihyun left for him to eat, the older singer always making sure to leave some food behind for whoever was in need for a quick meal.

Changkyun was glad that he decided to take a break and get some rest even though there was a dance practice waiting for him later in the afternoon. The dorm was quiet as the rest of Monsta X couldn’t afford the luxury of lazing around and, one by one, disappeared from their home. He took what he could find in the fridge and made fresh rice, mixing himself some bibimbap before he took the food with him to the living room, opened the door of the balcony and stepped outside.

The balcony was really small, especially because they usually kept their drying laundry there and Changkyun was happy that wasn’t the case at the moment. He moved the chair resting against the wall, arranging the pillow on it before he sat down comfortably, smiling at his plan to eat his lunch there. Placing his phone and a notebook on a small table next to the chair he took his bowl with food and started eating. The day was sunny, even though it was still rather chilly and as soon as he finished eating he grabbed a blanket and wrapped himself in it, taking the notebook and starting to think about the lyrics he needed for his mixtape.

After Jooheon’s last visit to his studio the maknae of Monsta X finally realized what he needed to do with the music that was giving him so much trouble lately. It was chaotic because he was chaotic and perhaps that was exactly what it was supposed to be like. He could take advantage of that, use that direction and try to put that chaotic story in some sort of order, conveying that whirlpool of emotions he got lost in. It was the time to find his way through it.

Changkyun felt much lighter once he figured it out and the ideas finally started coming back to him, both in music and in words and it made him feel that much better. Purpose was there once again, along with strong wish to make things right again with his best friend. He was going to try, no matter how scared and embarrassed he was. One hug from Jooheon felt like coming home and he was going to hold onto it and see what home will bring to him.

Lyrics appeared in his mind as he thought about it all and he watched the words pour on paper, soaking it with emotions and not stopping until he let them all out, drenching that page in his notebook. He smiled, looking at the paper in his lap and leaned back, finally feeling accomplished.

“Did you rest well, Kyunnie?” Hyunwoo asked once their dance practice was over and they arrived to their favorite restaurant. “You seem to be much better today.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty satisfied with my day,” Changkyun admitted, giving his hyung a bright smile.

It really felt good, like he was going back to himself. The dance practice was tiring, but at the same time it filled him with energy and he had an impression the rest of the group was in good condition too. He guessed that they were all looking forward to a free night, spent with each other, as they all agreed they will take a rest and have some fun.

Getting out after such a long time was refreshing and the maknae of Monsta X felt like it was much needed – by all of them. First thing he did, however, was attach himself to Jooheon, making sure his best friend knew he took their agreement seriously. Once he pulled the older rapper down to the seat next to him he was greeted with a big smile as Jooheon gave all of his attention to him.

“I managed to write some lyrics today,” Changkyun told him, not being able to contain his excitement. “I found a way.”

“That’s great, Kyun-ah,” the other boy replied.

“I know what I’m going to do with the music too, I think I have some pretty good ideas I want to try out and see if they will work,” he added, smiling as he thought about it and looked back at him. “I wanted to thank you… our talk calmed me down and made me think about it more. Starting fresh.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m really happy to hear that though,” Jooheon replied. “When am I going to hear it?”

“When I’m done… we will see,” Changkyun smiled again. “I really can’t wait to work on it now that I know what I want to do with it.”

“Well, you’re not working on it tonight,” his best friend replied. “We’re not giving you to your studio tonight.” The maknae laughed, accepting the food Jooheon put on his plate and started to eat, oblivious to gentle looks more than one of his members threw his way.

Eunbyul smiled as she looked around at her friends, seeing them focus on Changkyun talking. The maknae of Monsta X really opened up, telling his story – from the time he lived abroad to his life in Korea before he became a part of Monsta X, to No Mercy time and finally the last five years. It was interesting hearing his path of growing up bit by bit with every major situation going on in his life, making him take turns and accepting the challenges, trying to tackle them and doing his best, even if not always coming out with the desired result. Still, it definitely made him grow and it was nice hearing all about it, the story naturally making Swagnaes feel closer to him and understand him better, while also finding it relatable at some points.

“I feel comfortable traveling around when we’re on tour. I believe that’s because it feels like I’m a child of the world and everywhere is my home in a way,” Changkyun laughed. “I know it sounds silly and I really haven’t lived abroad that long plus I was also very young during that time, but I still experienced being different over there, while also being different here. It just felt like I didn’t belong anywhere entirely, not until I joined Monsta X and we grew closer together. If anything, I belong to them,” he explained.

“You bring your home with you when you’re on tour,” Eunbyul replied. “It sounds like a continuation of our talk last time.”

“Well, now that you put it that way, I guess you’re right,” the rapper agreed, nodding a bit. “Aren’t we connected to people rather than places?”

“Some people are connected to places. But places are made of people too, so…” Kijoon said. “I think it’s important to have something you’re connected to – like you said, something you belong to.”

“This talk became pretty serious,” Changkyun chuckled.

“You were talking about yourself. That’s pretty serious to us,” Rina, one of the more quiet girls, replied.

“Well, thanks. It was important to me to have this talk I guess,” he replied. “I think it’s time to wrap it up,” he added, standing up and watching his fans do the same.

Saying his goodbyes to most of them he waited for the two girls to join him as he exited the room 37 and started walking out of the building.

“Where are we going?” Taehee asked, looking up at him curiously.

“There is a cool café nearby, we usually go there for a coffee or a quick snack when we’re working,” Changkyun explained, switching to English and leading them there. “You know why I wanted to talk to you?”

“We’re… somewhat like you?” Semi replied, chuckling a bit and ignoring the look she got from a child passing by them, too used to being stared at, even after three years living in Korea.

“Kind of, yes,” he smiled. “I wanted to make you more comfortable…” he paused, thinking about it and feeling like it wasn’t true as the two girls were pretty accustomed to the rest of the group and never had a problem socializing – at least as far as he could tell. “No, actually, I wanted to get to know you better.”

“So, it’s our turn to talk?” Taehee chuckled. “It’s nice of you to talk in English.”

“I like practicing and you guys are perfect for that,” Changkyun shrugged, opening the door of the café when they reached it and holding it for the girls to get in before he followed. They took a moment to choose their drinks and order and then he walked over to the back of the café, finding the secluded place his members and him usually claimed as their own.

Semi and Taehee followed, sitting down and looking at each other, then at Changkyun and laughed lightly. It felt weird – just going for a coffee with their idol. The maknae of Monsta X understood their reaction and chuckled too.

“How long have you been living in Korea, Samantha?” he asked.

“Almost three years,” the girl replied. She was used to everyone calling her Semi that it was weird hearing her full name. “Don’t call me Samantha, it sounds weird.”

“It’s literally your name,” he laughed.

“Yeah, but everyone calls me Sam or Semi, it feels like you’re about to scold me,” the blonde girl laughed.

“Alright, sorry,” Changkyun said quickly and stood up when the buzzer signalized their drinks were ready, going over to take them.

“It’s weird talking about myself…” Semi chuckled quietly, looking at Taehee and the other girl agreed quickly. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“But he wants to get to know us, that’s really sweet,” her friend replied, smiling as she looked over at Changkyun taking the tray and walking back to them.

“Here you go…” he said, giving them their coffee and sitting back down. “Tell me… I don’t know where to start… why Korea?” he chuckled.

“Well, I first started watching Korean films… ten years ago,” Semi started. “I was in high school and I was somewhat weird to other people I guess, because I was never interested in all the stuff my classmates were interested in. I liked to search for something different and I was really interested in other cultures and was trying to learn more. I started with cinema and when I saw some Korean films I liked I ran into dramas,” she continued explaining. “And then I learned about some idols while watching them in dramas, so that’s how I started listening to kpop too. By that time I was already really interested in Korean culture and language and in the end I started studying it.”

“That’s really cool though. I had an impression that a lot of international fans like mostly music,” Changkyun replied, sipping on his coffee.

“Well, yeah, I guess people usually start from music,” she said. “I was already in university when you guys debuted,” she continued. “I listened to kpop casually until then, but then I really liked your music, so I started getting more into the fandom. When I finished the university I applied to teach English in Korea and that’s how I came here. It’s a rather simple story,” she finished, chuckling and taking a sip of her coffee too.

“It’s cool though… it must have been hard moving to another part of the world all by yourself, that’s not that simple,” he pointed out.

“Yeah, it’s been challenging,” she nodded. “Especially with all the differences in cultures. It’s still somewhat weird with people looking at me on the streets, but I’m used to it since I’ve been here for so long already. I guess hearing me speak Korean is a lot more weird to them, reactions can be interesting, even though I grew tired of them after some time.”

“How is it when you go back home?” Changkyun asked.

“It’s kind of weird too,” Semi laughed. “I don’t know, I’m used to being here now, so it takes a bit of time to switch back to being home when I go back. I also don’t stay long enough to completely adapt and I end up missing Korea,” she explained. “I don’t have really close friends back there – I guess they never fully understood my fascination with such a far away country and its culture. I have family though and some friends, but I have Taehee here and some other people who I grew close with, so Seoul feels more like home now.”

“Ah yeah, you guys are really close?” the rapper asked, looking from Semi to Taehee.

“Yeah, I guess I felt like I should approach her the moment I saw her,” Taehee laughed. “My family lived in Europe since I was five years old until I was sixteen. I felt more like a foreigner when we moved back to Korea. I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere,” she explained. “So yeah, I came up to her and started talking and she became my best friend.”

“I think that’s also why we both became your fans,” Samantha added, looking at Changkyun. “You seemed to be similar to us. We could relate to you.”

“I understand that,” Changkyun smiled. “And you’re right, I understand your stories too. But now Kijoon’s words feel even more right – since you too seem to belong to a place where your friends are,” he chuckled. “I’m glad that place for all three of us is here.”

The girls nodded, agreeing with him and then continued chatting cheerfully, finding warmth in sweet coffee and the way they all tried their best to bond further.

At the end of the day they belonged to each other.


	20. Map of treasures

“So, what’s up?” Hoseok asked in between two mouthful of ramen, looking at the people around them. “Yoonhee, eat,” he added, noticing the girl still playing with her sketchbook instead of paying attention to her soon to get soggy noodles.

“Fine,” she chuckled and took the food. “I’m busy with all the projects I’m doing, as usual,” she shrugged in reply and started eating.

“What’s new?” Sunmi replied. “I’m sure you’re doing great even if you panic and think you won’t make it until the deadline.”

“You know me well,” Yoonhee nodded. “I still have a lot of time, so I’m not stressing just yet,” she added. “And Woohee here seems to be a good critic too.”

“Really?” the singer looked at the other girl. “Well, you did say you’re interested in art.”

“I’m just saying what I think. Or feel,” Woohee replied, smiling. “You know how talented Yoonhee is anyway.”

“That is true,” Taeil nodded at her words. “And how have you been?”

“Studying a bit more lately, to be honest,” the girl replied. “We have some additional tests next week, so it’s a bit hectic.”

“Make sure to get enough rest though,” Hoseok smiled as she nodded at him.

“I don’t have any news in particular... except that Sunmi, Miran, Songhee and I are going to Jeju for the weekend,” Minah grinned.

“Ah that’s cool! Have fun,” Hoseok replied.

“Yeah, it’s going to be a bit cold, but I needed a break from Seoul, so I plan to get a lot of fun,” she said, looking determined.

“We do have a lot of things planned,” Sunmi chuckled.

“I envy you, I have to work during the weekend,” Dongha sighed. “We need to finish the new app, the release deadline is really close, so we’re kind of losing our minds along with our sleep,” he explained.

“You should’ve gotten some rest instead of coming here,” Hoseok smiled.

“Well, this is me getting some rest,” the younger boy replied. “I like seeing you all,” he admitted, blushing slightly as he got embarrassed, then quickly turned to Taeil. “How are your studies going?”

“I… I’m happy,” their maknae blurted out, obviously surprised Dongha decided to ask him a question. “I mean, I’m finally focusing on what I’ve been wanting to do, so it really makes me happy,” he replied timidly, feeling small.

“That’s great. You should be passionate about what you’re doing,” Dongha smiled at him, causing Taeil to blush this time.

“I’ve been working on new music,” Hoseok nonchalantly said, eating more of his noodles and smiling as he noticed all of them focusing on him again. “I like how it’s going so far.”

“Can we hear maybe?” Taeil asked.

“You want me to ruin the surprise?” the vocalist of Monsta X chuckled. “I don’t think so,” he added. “But I would like you to come over to my studio, since I’m curious about your music. Maybe we can even work on something together?”

“Really?” the younger boy’s eyes widened. “You know you don’t have to ask me twice.”

“I know,” Hoseok laughed as he looked around again. “I see that you guys would be excited for it too.”

“I’m really curious to hear it all now,” Sunmi sighed. “Not fair… I hope you won’t take long to show it to us.”

“Patience, Sunmi-yah,” the singer smirked playfully and then motioned for all of them to finish their meal.

The young composer held onto his bag, walking to Hoseok’s studio. The beautiful sunny day made him feel even more excited as he couldn’t wait to hear what the older boy was working on as well as show him his work, curious to hear his opinion. Music has always been a major part of Taeil’s life, ever since he was a little boy with an instrument as big as him. He started with cello, the big instrument singing worlds of wonder under his hands, the sound soothing and powerful, making his small heart soar with emotion. He grew along with it, on a thrilling, continuous road to discovery and his heart grew as well, collecting all the passion and swelling with love.

Music was his power and the source of happiness and, even though a lot of challenges came his way during his years of studying it, there was no doubt it was a part of him he will never want to let go of. He searched for himself within it, much like he searched for the way in which he would want to pursue it as his career, but finally, in his last year of high school he understood he didn’t want to just perform it or dig into researching something from the past. Melodies and harmonies filling his mind rushed to find a way to get out, bringing him even more joy when they travelled through the air around him, in the sound of piano, cello, an orchestra or someone’s voice.

Studying composing meant a lot of work, a lot of knowledge accumulating in order to reach that freedom of creation, but Taeil loved it all, because it meant bringing his music out to the surface in the end. The road was tiring, but satisfying in the end and he filled it with episodes from his daily life, things that filled him with energy and, more importantly, people who had the biggest effect on it.

The young boy loved life and made sure to enjoy it, focusing on good things and eventually being a small bubble of positive energy to most of the people who encountered him. He knew he was considered to be a bit of a dork, a bit of a nerd, but in the end really a good guy everyone liked to see. Deep down, however, he was a kid who gave his heart on a plate and got it back burned more than once. So, despite appearing optimistic and open, he ended up being rather cautious, avoiding that burn and instead focusing on his studies and a couple of friends he truly trusted.

Hyunjae was certainly the most valuable friend he had, always by his side, closer than family. His best friend understood him better than anyone else and, as time passed, Taeil learned how precious their relationship was to him, making him feel that sense of belonging in the similar way to the feeling of belonging to his music.

Finding his place in the world seemed to be a constant quest for Taeil, the one adventure he desperately was drawn to ever since he was a small, timid kid, seemingly alone in the world of adults. Cello was the first small treasure he found on the still unknown map he needed to explore in order to find that place. Cello brought the music along and step by step the music expanded, leaving tiny marks in the form of Taeil’s small footprints and starting creating a road that the short, cute kid followed, intrigued by the mysterious treasures ahead.

Music was the only significant companion up until he met Hyunjae, the slightly older boy happily painting the familiar notes swarming around Taeil with color. The small artist did it carefree, sometimes orderly, sometimes messily, but even if sometimes colors would turn darker shades they still shined and, eventually, were followed by pastel ones, bringing the joy once again. Taeil accepted them all and learned to embrace them, putting the treasure label on Hyunjae’s forehead – something his best friend would complain about whenever he pointed it out, even though they were both very well aware of the fact that he very much liked it too – and continued exploring his map.

Finding Monsta X made the notes around him swirl in a different dance from what he was used to after years of studying classical music. The dance enchanted him, making him pull his previously acquired treasures into it. Taeil allowed himself to tend to the small boy, already frightened by the bad experiences and hidden in his growing body, somewhere between childhood and adulthood, where change was confusing, slightly unwanted and, sadly, constant. However, his precious treasures were constant as well – bringing notes, color, dance and, ultimately, joy.

The brightest dancer playing with his little notes was Hoseok. The young musician recognized bits of himself in the older artist’s warm smiles, soft soul peeking at him behind those eyes and, of course, the music. More importantly, he recognized bits of who he wanted to become. So, Hoseok became the fluffy blanket that helped him feel safe, his role model and inspiration. And as he explored the newly found treasure more he only got more convinced that both Hoseok and Monsta X as whole are just that – another safe place he belonged to.

The young composer’s smile didn’t leave his face as he stopped in front of the door to his hyung’s studio, getting even bigger as Hoseok’s eyes finally met his own.

“Come in,” the singer greeted him cheerfully. “I was just listening to what Jooheon sent to me.”

“Is it for the comeback?” Taeil curiously asked, putting his bag down and then putting the coffee he got at the coffee shop downstairs on the table. “I got us coffee,” he added shyly, handing one cup to the older man.

“Thanks,” Hoseok grinned, taking it and nodded. “Yeah. It was an old idea of his, but he finally wrapped it up now,” he explained. “Do you want to hear it?”

“Is it okay?” the boy asked, still not knowing what he was allowed to be shown and what not as the line between being a fan and a friend blurred without stopping.

Hoseok, however, only smiled and moved to play the song. The heavy beat intertwined with a much lighter melody, creating an interesting mix of feelings. The notes danced differently with this one, it was a dance of the opposites – much more prominent than it would normally be considered common and Taeil tilted his head in amazement, attentively listening until the dance stopped.

“That’s…” he started looking back up at Hoseok, the older man looking like he could read his reaction, but patiently expecting it. “… different.”

“Off. It’s off, right?” the singer supplied, raising his eyebrows in question and taking a sip of his coffee. “I think it suits Jooheon though. Now maybe more than ever.”

“Is something happening?” Taeil asked, taking his coffee too and wondering if he was, yet again, prying.

“Maybe,” Hoseok shrugged. “I’m not sure myself. He has this…” he pointed at the monitor, at the song. “… vibe lately.”

“It’s a great song though. It’s just not something Monbebes would usually expect from Jooheon hyung. It seems to be an interesting mixture of everything that he is?” the young musician tried to grasp it. “Am I right?”

“That does sound about right,” Hoseok agreed. “But I think it can have more meanings than one,” he added and took his phone as it started ringing, answering it. “Hey, Kyun-ah…” Taeil perked at the name, smiling a bit and sipped his coffee as Hoseok continued talking to the maknae of Monsta X. “Yeah… well, Taeil is here…” he glanced at him. “Yeah, it’s not a problem… okay… see you,” he hung up and looked over at Taeil again. “He’s coming over, I hope you don’t mind.”

“No, of course not,” the boy shook his head quickly, getting excited to have another member of Monsta X to talk to about music today and opened his bag. “You wanted to hear something of mine,” he said, standing up to give his USB stick to Hoseok and moving to sit down next to him when the older man motioned for him to do so.

Suddenly, he was nervous again, the thought of this being the first time for Hoseok to hear something he wrote appearing huge to him. He fidgeted in his seat, timidly glancing at his role model as the older composer listened to the music with a small, unreadable smile lingering on his face. However, as soon as the piece finished there was a ring of a bell and Hoseok jumped up to open the door to the youngest member of Monsta X.

“Hey Taeil!” Changkyun greeted him, putting his things down, but Hoseok moved back to his computer.

“Listen,” and the familiar piece started once again, catching Taeil off guard as he looked from Hoseok back at Changkyun, his anxiety doubling before he grabbed his coffee and tried to not fidget too much.

Changkyun stood still, after a long moment closing his eyes and looking like he was absorbing music. There was something so calming about the gesture that Taeil found himself relaxing as well, gaze fixed on the rapper and not noticing Hoseok watching him. Once the last notes traveled through the air and slowly died the youngest in the room held a breath, the anxiety coming back as he waited for someone to say something.

“I don’t know what you’re working on or if you’re working on anything yet, but I’m stealing him hyung,” Changkyun pointed at Hoseok as soon as he opened his eyes.

“Nope, he’s mine,” the oldest artist chuckled and winked at Taeil.

“We’ll see about that,” the rapper laughed, sitting down next to them.

“Wait, you like it?” Taeil knew he must have sounded dumb. “I mean, it’s good?”

“I haven’t seen Changkyun inhaling music like that in a long time,” Hoseok chuckled. “We love it, Taeil-ah.”

“Work with me,” Changkyun reached over to ruffle his hair. “Please?”

“I… wow…” the young composer blushed bashfully, definitely not expecting that kind of evaluation.

“Get in line, Kyun-ah,” Hoseok laughed. “But seriously, Taeil-ah, we would love to work with you. I really like this. It’s…” he paused, looking at him more intently, as if actually looking at him more carefully. “… it’s like you. We should play, it’s going to be fun!”

Taeil laughed at the suggestion and nodded. “Okay, that was the plan anyway.”

“What did you bring, Kyun-ah?” the singer asked then, turning to Changkyun and getting the file from him.

“I didn’t show this to Jooheon yet,” the maknae quickly said. “I said I will, but… just tell me what you think,” Taeil tilted his head, observing the deep-voiced rapper who seemed more timid than himself at the moment.

The song’s first chords sounded in the studio and the youngest artist in the room felt like he was reliving the moment, breathing the same, yet still different music twice in a day. It was a completely new song, yet resembled a distorted mirror image of the one Jooheon sent to Hoseok earlier. To Jooheon’s powerful beat stood Changkyun’s calm, minimalistic bass, to Jooheon’s lightness in melody stood Changkyun’s deep, dark vocal, almost chaotic in the execution of powerful lyrics. They fell together into a disturbing, unsettling harmony one couldn’t help but fall in love with. The vibe – as Hoseok put it – was the same.

Taeil’s eyes met Hoseok’s, wonder meeting realization, as Changkyun kept his gaze down, waiting the last painful chord to bounce off the walls of the studio.

“It’s perfect, Changkyun-ah,” the older singer voiced his opinion. “It blends into the rest of the album perfectly,” he added, but Taeil understood what exactly it was that the song blended in with perfectly.

“Thanks,” Changkyun replied, slightly taken aback by the praise. Nothing was ever perfect to Hoseok. Apart from Hyungwon, maybe. “How did you like it, Taeil-ah?” the rapper turned to their new friend, obviously very interested in the feedback from a fan.

“Honestly… I think it has a potential of becoming one of my favorite Monsta X songs,” Taeil replied, looking at him warmly, intrigued by the story bleeding out of the notes he just heard.

“Well…” Monsta X’s maknae grinned instantly.

“He’s mine, Kyun-ah,” Hoseok chuckled. “But well, we’re sharing anyway.”

“You’re my favorite hyung,” Changkyun grinned, jumping up to hug him.

“You’re taking advantage of me being soft,” he caught him and laughed.

“You’re soft in general, hyung,” Taeil chuckled, watching them.

“Kyun-ah…” Hoseok started, still holding him. “Is everything okay?”

The rapper pulled away, sitting back down next to them and took a moment to think about it.

“I put it into the song,” he started, meeting two pairs of eyes that told him they understood that well – hence the question. “It’s not. It’s better than it used to be though.”

“Are you sure?” Taeil dared to pry this time. “Is it okay for me to ask?”

“We’re friends now,” Changkyun smiled. “It’s okay, relax,” he paused again. “I’m just hopelessly in love with Jooheon,” it would’ve sounded dramatic if Changkyun didn’t look so defeated when he said it. “The song is painfully chaotic isn’t it?” he continued. “I messed up. I think?”

“Are you okay?” Hoseok asked, a little alarmed as this was the side of Changkyun that rarely showed itself to anyone - except Jooheon.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” the maknae smiled, surprisingly warmly after such a confession.

“You’re not the one to exaggerate,” his hyung looked at him suspiciously. “Jooheon knows.” It was a statement. Listening to the songs was enough for him to piece it together.

“Well… kind of.” Taeil looked at Changkyun in confusion, not understanding. “I told him it’s in the past. But it’s not and now I’m learning to go back to the way we were before I dropped that bomb without showing that I actually love him more than ever,” the rapper chuckled. “I’m happy we’re not awkward anymore though. I think,” he nodded, obviously in an effort to convince himself. “How do you do it, hyung?”

“I… it feels like we’re in a relationship,” Hoseok replied, slightly caught off guard by the sudden question, then looked over at confused Taeil. “Hyungwon and I… we’ve been intimate for a very long time.”

“Our whole career, hyung,” Changkyun replied as Taeil stared in shock, obviously doing his best to process all the new information. “But you’re not in a relationship.” The older singer watched him for a moment and then sighed, not being able to reply to that.

It was a relationship he was used to. Both him and Hyungwon. Status quo. Best friends with benefits? More than that? At this point he had no idea and he didn’t dare ask. Hyungwon seemed to not need that kind of clarification. So he went with the flow and gave in to what his heart and body desired, trying not to think about anything else but Hyungwon and him in that precise moment. In every new moment – without complicating it by stamping any kind of label to their relationship. Beyond the comfortable label of best friends. After all, that was the only label Hoseok was absolutely sure was true.

They stayed silent for a long moment, each of them falling into their own complicated thoughts, with Taeil in between, trying to get used to what he just learned about the people he loved and respected so much. The small boy opened his precious map again as he found another tiny relatable line leading to treasure he belonged to.

“I have a huge crush on Dongha.”


	21. Of impeccable dancers and... a little jealousy

Gently moving into curled up position on the floor and finally resting, Hyojin listened to the last fading notes coming from the nearby speakers. A sudden applause startled her, causing her to take a quick look in the mirror before sitting up and turning to the door of the studio, spotting Minwoo standing there.

“Sunbae…” she started, looking at him in surprise before she quickly got up and bowed.

“Did I scare you? Sorry,” the older dancer apologized, smiling at her. “The performance was very good, I didn’t want to interrupt.”

“Ah… thank you,” Hyojin bowed slightly again, watching him move further into the room. “It’s just something I’m playing with…” she added quickly, walking over to her bag and grabbing a towel.

“So it’s your choreography?” he asked, taking a seat by the mirror and motioning for her to join him.

“Yeah,” she nodded, sitting down as well.

“Do you choreograph a lot?” he asked again. “You still do classical too?”

“I still do, yeah,” she blushed slightly, wondering why he decided to ask her all those questions. They never interacted this much before, after all. “I choreograph for myself quite often too. It’s just… a game, I guess.”

“It’s very good though,” Minwoo smiled, watching her. “Is it hard to manage it all?”

“I manage,” the younger dancer shrugged with a small smile on her face. “Apart from the non-dancing assignments that I have to do for school, it’s a lot of fun.”

“I can tell,” he chuckled. “You’re doing a good job.”

“Thanks,” Hyojin looked down, slightly embarrassed for getting caught off guard and being praised by a respected sunbae. “What brings you here?”

“I was spying on purpose, to be honest,” Minwoo admitted, leaning back until his back touched the mirror. “I’m going to spend a lot more time here from now on.”

“Here? But didn’t you join professor Choi’s troupe?” she asked, obviously surprised.

“I did, but I got an offer to work here as well,” he replied. “I have spare time and I really like the crew here, a lot of my old friends are a part of it.”

“Really? That’s great!” Hyojin couldn’t hide her enthusiasm and blushed right after. “I’m sorry… I’m a fan,” she admitted.

“Ah really?” the older dancer chuckled. “That’s an honor. I think I’m a fan too.”

“That’s… based on today’s performance?” she laughed lightly too.

“I saw some others. But mostly, yes. This is the first time I’m seeing you dance something you created yourself,” Minwoo replied. “I want to work with you… if you want to.”

“I would really like that,” the long haired girl replied slowly. “What exactly did you have in mind?”

“I didn’t have a precise idea, but now I want us to make something together. I think brainstorming would be fun,” he offered.

“Okay… that sounds really good,” Hyojin blushed slightly, still pretty surprised by the visit, let alone the offer.

“Also, Hyunwoo hyung asked me to do a dance project with him, Hoseok hyung and Hyungwon hyung,” Minwoo continued. “I might need a second opinion or additional ideas. They want to try something they usually don’t include in their dance routines, so that’s going to be interesting and fun. Also, maybe at some point you can join us as well?”

“Did you talk to them about this?” the younger dancer asked.

“Not yet. I’m asking you first.”

“You know I would love that,” she laughed. “You didn’t have to ask.”

“You’re busier than me, Hyojin-ah,” he replied. “I’m glad you’re up for it. We should schedule when we’re both free and then we can talk more?”

“Yeah, of course,” she nodded quickly, accepting his phone and typing in her number before getting up when he did the same.

“Keep up with this, the story you shared with me today was really… inspiring,” Minwoo offered her another beautiful smile as he walked to the door. “I’ll call you, okay?”

“Thanks, sunbae,” Hyojin smiled back, bowing one last time before the door closed behind him. She slowly turned around to her reflection in the mirror, feeling the steady beat of her fangirling heart and silently asking herself what just happened.

The bitter coffee seemed to suit Kihyun’s mood as he moved from the kitchen to the living room, not being able to tune out Hyunwoo’s conversation with Hyungwon and Hoseok in the dining room.

“Look,” he could hear Hyungwon say to Hoseok, obviously showing the older dancer one of the videos Hyunwoo talked about a moment ago.

“He’s going to kick my ass again, isn’t he?” the composer laughed and Kihyun suppressed a scoff, putting his cup of coffee down and moving to pick a couple of his shirts off the drying rack.

“There’s a couple more videos there… wait,” Hyunwoo replied and after a moment a faint sound of music could be heard as the leader showed the two other men another performance. “So yeah, Minwoo said he was thinking maybe something similar to this. But we will talk more about it when we all meet up.”

“I really want to try this.” Kihyun started folding his laundry as he listened to Hyungwon agree and bit his lip, resisting the urge to sneak into the dining room and take a peek at what they were watching.

“I’m afraid I’m not flexible enough for that,” Hoseok chuckled, only piquing up Kihyun’s interest.

“Wonnie is, though,” Hyunwoo answered. “We will see, maybe we can integrate some of those elements into a slightly different routine?”

The main vocalist let out a soft sigh as the conversation continued in the other room even after he finished with his task and drank his coffee. He was hoping to spend some time with some of his members – preferably Hyunwoo, if he was being completely honest – but they were all so busy, yet again. This new dance project with Minwoo seemed to be the only thing on Monsta X’s dance line’s minds now and they haven’t even started actual practices yet.

Apparently, their little meeting wasn’t going to end any time soon, so Kihyun left his cup in the kitchen and came to the dining room.

“Sorry to interrupt, I’m going to bed,” he announced, receiving looks from both Hoseok and Hyungwon.

“Mmhm,” Hyunwoo simply muttered, eyes still glued to the ipad in his hands.

“I’m going out early,” Kihyun added, slightly annoyed by the lack of proper response. “I’ll stop by your studio after my fan meeting Hoseok hyung. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there around noon,” Hoseok nodded, then smiled. “Good night, Ki.”

“Don’t stay up late,” the short vocalist added, turning to go to his room.

“Okay mom,” he heard Hyungwon’s teasing smile.

“I heard that, Won!” Kihyun chuckled.

“Good night!”

As he closed the door to his room, Hyunwoo’s silence left behind a taste more bitter than his coffee.

“Ah, I forgot to tell you! I went to Minwoo oppa’s performance on Saturday,” Heera, the girl with beautiful light brown eyes, suddenly said as Kihyun’s little Savages cheerfully chatted in the morning. A little bit too cheerful for Kihyun’s taste at the moment anyway.

“Really?” Doona, one of her good friends asked. “What was it like?”

“I really loved how it was done, the whole troupe is really cool!” Heera continued talking. “Minwoo oppa was the main star though,” she added, chuckling lightly.

“We should go together some time, why didn’t you call us?” Ara asked then.

“I… I guess it didn’t cross my mind, sorry,” the other girl frowned. “My colleagues wanted to go, so I wasn’t really thinking about inviting anyone else. But next time we should definitely go together.”

“What is it with everyone and Minwoo?” Kihyun blurted out suddenly, causing all the girls to look at him in confusion. “I mean…” he paused, looking back at them as he realized how annoyed he sounded. “Everyone seems to talk a lot about him.”

“Really?” Soojin asked. “I didn’t notice.”

“Did other members say something about other fans talking about him too?” Ara asked instead.

“No… I mean, I don’t know,” Kihyun replied, once again looking at all of them and regretting saying anything. They were called Savages for a reason and he had a feeling they won’t let this slip pass just like that.

“Then why do you say that?” Soojin watched him.

“The guys just have this dance project with him,” he tried to sound nonchalant, but now getting annoyed by the fact that even during his own fan meeting the topic was Minwoo again. “They spend a lot of time talking about it. It’s like Minwoo is everywhere I look now,” he was exaggerating and he knew it. Hoseok, Hyunwoo and Hyungwon only talked about it among each other and only two times so far.

Kihyun couldn’t exactly understand his own behavior or feelings. Minwoo was their old fan, a great guy and an amazing dancer. Seeing his own family getting excited over working with him should have made him happy. Why did he feel so annoyed then?

“Them doing a dance project together is a good thing though, right?” Eunha asked, looking up from her little trademark notebook. “I assume it’s going to be something fun and a way for them to spend more time with a new friend?”

“Yeah, sure,” the main vocalist of Monsta X nodded, crossing his arms over his chest, but still not being able to hide that he didn’t like it.

“Are you sulking?” Soojin raised her eyebrow at his posture. “Are you jealous?”

“Jealous of what?” Kihyun furrowed his eyebrows. “Of Minwoo? Why would I be?”

“They’re focused on working with him now. Don’t tell me you feel excluded,” The girl probed further.

“I’m not a child, Soojin-ah,” Kihyun scoffed. “And we had collaborations with a lot of people before. Why would I be jealous of that?”

“Hm… I don’t know. You act like it,” Ara jumped in, looking at him suspiciously as well.

“Why are we still talking about Minwoo?” the singer asked.

“We’re not. We’re talking about you,” Eunha looked down at her notebook again, starting to doodle little angry hamsters. “Here, this is you right now,” she showed him the drawing after a moment.

“You guys are mean today,” he slightly glared and leaned back in his seat.

“Something is bothering you. We only want to help,” Soojin shrugged. “I doubt it’s Minwoo. Why would he?”

“Maybe I just didn’t sleep well last night,” Kihyun shrugged, refusing to talk about something he didn’t quite understand himself. The truth was he didn’t exactly feel comfortable enough to talk about it with his little Savages yet.

“Maybe we should change the subject then,” Ara smiled at him. “You must be getting busy preparing for the comeback too,” she swiftly moved onto another topic and the main vocalist of Monsta X started talking about their progress and schedule, the atmosphere shifting into a more relaxed one once again.

It was close to midnight when Kihyun finally stepped out of the bathroom after a long shower. Somehow, on the days he was the first to start with his schedule he would usually also be one of the last to finish. It was like an unwritten rule and while the singer loved being busy it still didn’t fail to annoy him. Today especially.

As he walked around the rather quiet dorm he realized his band mates were either already sleeping or relaxing in their usual ways – he could hear faint noises of Minhyuk’s and Changkyun’s favorite new game coming behind the closed door.

“Where are your headphones? It’s midnight,” he peeked inside and instantly sighed. “For the millionth time, wear some clothes, Changkyun.”

“Go to sleep, hyung,” the rapper groaned and grabbed his headphones, plugging them in.

Kihyun closed the door, giving up and moved to the kitchen. Turning the light on, he almost jumped at the sight of Hyunwoo staring at the ipad again, then looking up at him. At least the leader was wearing his headphones.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?” Kihyun asked once he was sure Hyunwoo could hear him and moved to grab some water.

“No reason,” the older singer shrugged, turning to look at him. “Had a long day?”

“Yes,” the shorter man replied, his gaze falling on the stopped video in front of Hyunwoo.

“You should get some rest,” the leader said. “You didn’t sleep enough last night.”

“I slept just fine,” Kihyun recognized his annoyed tone too late once again. Hyunwoo’s gaze confirmed he recognized it too.

“Is everything okay?”

“Everything is just great,” he drank his water quickly. “You’re the one who should go to sleep instead of watching those videos over and over again.”

“Ah right… I wanted to show you this…” Hyunwoo started, turning to the ipad. Kihyun wasn’t sure if he tried to change the subject or if he honestly thought watching Minwoo’s videos would make him less annoyed.

“No need,” he couldn’t understand why his mouth was faster than his brain. Maybe he really was tired on top of being annoyed. Maybe he just didn’t want to pretend. “I will see the ending result of your project anyway,” he added quickly.

“Oh… okay,” Hyunwoo replied somewhat carefully and Kihyun suddenly felt the urge to yell that it wasn’t okay and that this conversation was just making him feel even more annoyed.

“I’m hearing about the project more than I should as it is,” the words left him on purpose this time as he turned around and put the empty glass into the sink.

“What does that mean?” the leader frowned, watching his back.

“That’s all you’re talking about these days anyway,” Kihyun shrugged, turning back to him.

“We didn’t even have time to discuss it all that much…” Hyunwoo started, but then his facial expression changed from slight confusion to something similar to hurt. “I thought you would be glad to support us. Hyungwon and Hoseok are very excited about this.”

“Hyungwon, Hoseok and you,” the main vocalist corrected him.

“Yes, me too. Of course I am. And it’s Minwoo we’re doing this with, it’s going to be something new and fun,” Hyunwoo continued.

“Yes. Minwoo, of course. The perfect Minwoo with impeccable dance skills you all are simply dying to work with,” Kihyun groaned suddenly.

“Kihyun, what even… I don’t understand you,” his friend obviously tried his best not to snap. Kihyun could tell when he was pushing Hyunwoo’s boundaries, the tension in his body posture was enough of an indication. “Minwoo is one of our oldest fans. He’s a friend. I honestly don’t know why I’m having this conversation with you nor why you’re acting like this,” he said firmly.

“I don’t understand why you want to focus on a side project when we should all be focusing on the comeback,” Kihyun replied even though it wasn’t the real reason. He wished that was the real reason, yet he willingly chose to try lying to both of them.

“We are focusing on the comeback,” Hyunwoo finally growled. The main vocalist knew that voice, barely ever used by their kind and calm leader. The limit was right there and Kihyun couldn’t believe how easily he reached the edge. “Don’t you dare tell me we’re not. You know how much all three of us are working on it. Don’t you dare play the ‘being unprofessional’ card on me or your other band mates.”

“I didn’t mean it…” Kihyun started.

“Yet you said it,” the leader raised his eyebrow. “Quit lying to me, Kihyun. I don’t read minds and for some reason you stopped actually talking to me. First it was that stupid spying issue and now this,” he took a deep breath, giving Kihyun time to reply, but when the younger man said nothing he simply let out a tired sigh, watching him intently for a long moment. “I’m tired. We’re both tired,” he turned to look at the ipad again. “Go to bed, Ki.”

However, Kihyun stood still, looking at Hyunwoo’s side profile as his chest burnt, waiting for it to pass – in vain.

“Go to bed, Ki,” the leader repeated, as if waiting for him to leave the kitchen already.

In a blink his eyes started burning too and, as subtly as he could, he sniffed. In the silence of the dorm the sound was too loud.

“Ki?” Hyunwoo turned to look at him and Kihyun only sniffed louder in reply, not being able to stop himself from crying. “God, Ki, what…” the taller dancer stood up quickly and moved to hug him. “What’s wrong?”

“I-I don’t know,” Kihyun sniffed harder, quickly wiping his tears away. He really hated crying. “I just… I kept thinking about it… I think I’m worried,” he whispered finally, closing his eyes as he felt Hyunwoo’s warm hand patting and rubbing his back soothingly. “I’m constantly worried,” he repeated, more firmly, sounding devastated even to himself.

“Worried… we will fail?” the leader asked. It was a common worry, one they were used to – and failing meant a lot of things, but most of all making wrong choices, making mistakes. It wasn’t as constant as it used to be in the beginning of their career, but from time to time it would decide to revisit them. Maybe this was one of those times.

However, the shorter vocalist in his arms shook his head at the question. Kihyun looked even smaller than usual like this, tonight.

“Worried… I will be left behind.”


	22. Confidence of a perfect fit

Lying to friends on topics you really didn’t want to talk about, at least not at the moment, wasn’t that big of a deal. The topic itself wasn’t important at all, so whatever she said didn’t matter either. However, not being sure if that really was true is what made Bomi spend a lot of time going back to those exact thoughts.

She didn’t exactly lie either, just slightly omitted what it was like going to that party and meeting Hajoon. It was only natural for Eunbyul and Hana to ask about it the next day and her response was to be expected too – just another party, rather boring since she was there without her closest friends and Hajoon was… Hajoon. Only that she didn’t really know Hajoon all that well and that night gave her a glimpse of a side of the handsome boy she didn’t know about.

Two weeks have passed since the party and the tall girl continued going back to that night. It definitely wasn’t just another party. Not sharing that with her closest friends bothered her, but she still decided to keep it to herself, at least until she figured out what her relationship with Hajoon was like, or rather what it was transforming into.

“Hey!” the tall boy found her near the kitchen of their colleague’s apartment, right when she was about to get herself another drink.

“You found your way without me picking you up,” Bomi joked, looking up at him. Hajoon wore simple navy t-shirt and jeans, looking the same as always – insanely handsome without trying. It simply wasn’t fair. She almost chuckled at him not even trying to dress up for a party as it was something she would’ve expected him to do, yet the casual outfit suited the image she had of him so well.

“South Korea has the fastest internet connection in the world. I managed,” he smiled in reply, following her into the kitchen.

“That sad attempt of a joke failed. Don’t do that,” she replied, shaking her head and getting herself a drink, then watching Hajoon grab a beer himself. “You drink?”

“Um… yeah?” he raised his eyebrows at her question. “You’re full of prejudices towards me.”

“I…” well, he definitely caught her off guard with that statement. “I guess I am,” she had to agree and took a sip of her gin and tonic, looking up at him again and watching him drink his beer as well. “Will this be awkward or will you actually try talking to other people and have some fun?”

“Neither. Well, apart from having fun,” Hajoon chuckled. “I’m not going to be awkward with you,” he added, surprising her with his straightforwardness.

“How much did you drink?” Bomi eyed the bottle of beer in his hand.

“This is my second bottle,” he answered. “Why? Surprised by the geek?”

“Just checking,” she laughed. “Don’t get drunk, I’m going to leave you on your own if you do.”

“You won’t,” Hajoon shook his head. “I know you won’t,” he said, sounding completely convinced and smiled again. He was probably right, she wouldn’t. “Do you dance?”

“Do you?” At this point she started to wonder who the person in front of her was and what they did to Hajoon she thought she knew.

“No. But I’m not half as bad as you think I am.” And he was right.

Bomi honestly couldn’t remember the time when she enjoyed a party as much as that night. By the end of it she wasn’t even sure what exactly she was expecting, but probably Hajoon boring her with school stuff or lame jokes in an attempt to continue the conversation. However, none of that happened. Instead, they touched random topics in a couple of hours they spent together, the conversation effortlessly flowing the whole time they were in that cozy apartment up until they reached Bomi’s place in the early hours of the morning. She realized her misconceptions came from her determination to not get close to him. She foolishly let the prejudices develop without giving him the chance he finally got that night.

“I don’t know how I managed to feign confidence,” Hajoon chuckled after a brief moment of silence. It was the time for them to part and, despite being tired, Bomi didn’t feel like it.

“That really… wasn’t what I would expect from you,” she agreed with a playful smile.

“Prejudices again?” he teased her. “Did I manage to beat them?”

“I’m not sure a couple of hours are enough for that.”

“Not even slightly?” Hajoon tilted his head, not believing her. Bomi laughed and stood up on her tiptoes, giving him a light peck on the cheek.

“Good night, Hajoon.”

After the weekend passed and she took her usual seat at her first lecture the familiar pile of notes landing right next to hers didn’t come as a surprise. The good looking geek and his newly found confidence were there to stay.

Life of Monsta X started getting more hectic as the comeback came closer. They all agreed to do a couple of joint fan meetings right before another break in the project. The company did the schedule for them this time and the boys were grateful as they barely had time to spend some relaxing time all together, let alone discuss and agree on the way they would hold those meetings in the span of two weeks.

Changkyun and Jooheon were scheduled first, with the younger rapper immediately remembering some of Eunbyul’s suggestions for the activities they could do together. No matter how much he still struggled with acting like nothing happened around his best friend, he was still glad he was his partner this time as holding a fan meeting with Jooheon was the most natural thing for him. The same feeling of reassurance and easiness he felt on his first fan meeting with Swagnaes just because Jooheon was right beyond the wall hit him again, only this time much harder. It made him happy.

Contrary to Changkyun’s calmness, Jooheon was simply excited. It’s been a long while since he spent time with both Changkyun and their fans. The comeback was right around the corner too and all that amount of coffee he inhaled on top of his mental state didn’t do any good to his giddiness. As they prepared for the fan meeting he resembled an overly enthusiastic puppy listening to Changkyun suggesting the things they can do. Eventually, the younger rapper gave up and made the decision himself, keeping the plan simple and easy.

“There’s so many of you,” Jooheon chuckled, moving around the room with their fans, arranging the pillows, drinks and food, so they could all feel more comfortable for the movie afternoon they had planned together with Eunbyul and Hana.

“Kijoon, Jinki, Hyungwon hyung gave us your drawings, so we can give them back to you,” Changkyun took them out of his bag and moved to join them on the floor, handing the drawings back to the two boys in front of him.

“What was it like with all the artists?” the older rapper asked, sitting down next to his best friend. “Hyungwon hyung brought us back some truly amazing pieces, we had a lot of fun looking at all of them.”

“It was great really,” Kijoon started talking, packing away his drawings. “Some of the artists have really cool styles. It was fun.”

“Yeah, Kijoon especially enjoyed it,” Jinki smirked slightly as his friend turned to glare at him. “What? You did,” he added, laughing before he turned to the rest of the group. “Since my friend here is dumb, I actually wanted to ask if anyone has a way of finding out Hyunjae’s phone number.”

“Jinki,” the dumb friend groaned, shaking his head. “It’s really not a big deal, I just really like his art,” he explained, eyeing Jinki’s smirk once again. “Getting his phone number like this is kind of creepy though.”

“I can find it easily, don’t worry,” Taehee said, grabbing her phone and starting writing a message to someone. “I have Yoonhee’s number, they’re close.”

“Why are we doing this?” Kijoon glared at his best friend once again.

“Because you’re slow and didn’t do it when you were supposed to. Instead, you chose to scare him with that look of yours,” Jinki sighed disapprovingly. “Be grateful we have friends willing to help you,” he chuckled then.

“Looks like sparks flew on that fan meeting,” Bomi commented, watching them in amusement.

“How about you Bomi-yah? I was wondering why you were so quiet. How did that party go?” Jooheon jumped in.

“What party?” the girl crossed her legs, looking back at him.

“The one you went to after our last meeting,” he responded, doubting she needed clarification.

“The one where I was stood up by my best friends?” Bomi chuckled, causing Eunbyul to lightly smack her arm. “It was fine. Still had fun. The music was good,” she blushed slightly, meeting Jooheon’s gaze again as she allowed herself to say she enjoyed it out loud.

“I’m glad,” Jooheon nodded, somehow getting the hint and wishing he got some hints actually concerning himself too. “Did you get that number, Taehee?”

“Yep, here you go, Joon-ah,” Taehee replied, sending the contact information to their friend who simply thanked her, still looking rather embarrassed. Changkyun watched him in amusement as it wasn’t like Kijoon to get shy as easily as he did today.

“Okay. We have a cool selection of some short films the two of us wanted to check out, but didn’t have time lately,” the maknae of Monsta X said. “Are we all set?”

Soon after the group grabbed their snacks, settled into more comfortable positions and the first film started playing in the darkened room, Changkyun could feel the familiar fingers intertwining with his own naturally, intensifying the feeling of easiness and reassurance once again. The deep voiced man smiled in the darkness, feeling closer to Jooheon than he felt in what seemed to be a long time. His eyes silently stayed focused on the film and he failed to notice his best friend watching him instead.

“That was really fun,” Changkyun smiled at Jooheon as they walked from the coffee shop to Changkyun’s studio.

“It really was,” his best friend agreed, looking back at him. “Are you tired?”

“No, I feel good,” the younger rapper replied. “I think it’s time for me to let you hear what I did finally,” he chuckled, looking rather happy as he glanced at Jooheon and opened the door to his studio.

“You look happy,” Jooheon watched Changkyun put their things down and turn on all the equipment before sitting down.

“I feel much better,” the maknae agreed. “More comfortable with my new friends too. I think you noticed that today.”

“I did,” the older man agreed and took a seat next to him. “It was great seeing you like that.”

“I’m satisfied how this turned out…” Changkyun continued, motioning towards his monitor, talking about music. “I did some stuff for my mixtape, but that can wait. I finished writing that song I struggled with, but it’s going to be a part of the album,” he continued.

“Album? You already got approval for that?” Jooheon tried not to frown. He was sure Changkyun would show it to him first.

“I showed it to Hoseok hyung. He liked it a lot and said it fits the album concept perfectly,” his best friend replied. “I… are you not angry I didn’t show it to you first?” he suddenly frowned. “I’m sorry, I just… I was worried and needed a second opinion.”

“But that’s what I’m here for. You always show it to me first,” Jooheon openly whined, feeling slightly hurt even though it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“I know, but I really want you to like it… I wanted it to be perfect,” Changkyun admitted, looking down shyly.

The older man’s hand moved to his own, much like earlier today, but Jooheon didn’t simply hold it, but pulled, waiting for Changkyun to move until he made him settle on his lap. The position wasn’t unfamiliar, but it’s been a long while since his best friend held him close like this and Changkyun looked up at him, realizing he was feeling much more comfortable, like he came back to the place where everything just fit. Of course they fit perfectly – as much as the thought hurt him he has known it for a very long time. Jooheon knew it too and it felt right, good and easy.

“I miss you so much,” the younger rapper softly said and hugged his best friend tightly, not willing to move away. “You can play it if you want. _Perfect fit_.”

Jooheon watched him for a moment, then reached for the computer mouse to find the song and let it play. The music filled the studio, Changkyun’s deep voice soon enveloping both of them in an embrace, slightly heavy on Jooheon’s shoulders, slightly cold, but carrying a well-known warmth underneath the layers of chaotic storm the feelings he tried to convey formed.

The older rapper watched the composer of the song as he listened, feeling a certain thread of hope in the minimalistic, but still dark background, the base for the chaos to exist, to play on top of it. It was making him feel like floating, grounding him at the same time and the actual weight of his best friend resting on his lap only intensified that feeling. Changkyun was like a rope he was holding onto while dangling off the cliff of his emotions, in the epicenter of that chaotic storm threatening to swallow them both. He stared into the dark orbs of the boy he loved so much, holding his breath and realizing he already became the essential part of that beautiful chaos, just like it became a part of himself. He found himself not being able to let go.

“God, Kyun-ah, it is perfect,” he finally exhaled as the silence that followed felt like being in a vacuum and held the younger boy tighter.

“Your heart is beating so hard,” Changkyun noticed, smiling against Jooheon’s shoulder.

“Because you found a way…” _to it_ – was left unsaid.

“It is a perfect fit then,” Jooheon knew his best friend was genuinely happy by the way he said it. He nodded without saying anything else and closed his eyes.

Pieces of his best friend’s soul always found their way to shine through, but the warmest, most precious part of it loved living peacefully in hiding, feeling safe untouched, unexposed. Changkyun rarely let it be shown, maybe out of precaution, maybe because it still needed time to be nurtured, to grow and blossom until it was ready to come out. Jooheon believed the world wasn’t worthy of ever seeing it as it was too beautiful and too important. Maybe he was just selfish and didn’t want to share it in the moments his gaze met with it. It made him feel special – even if glimpses of it could be seen oozing out of Changkyun – if only he saw how special he truly was to the younger boy before.

He let himself swim in those emotions, crossing the tiny distance between Changkyun’s music and his own and suddenly feeling like crying as he recognized the pattern, the distorted mirror reflecting their souls perfectly. The perfect fit to his own contribution to the new album. The perfect fit. Them. He recognized pain right after.

He finally understood.


	23. Colors of the sky

As much as Hyunwoo wanted Kihyun not to be right, he was aware of the fact that timing for starting the dance project with Minwoo wasn’t the most fortunate one. It didn’t stand in the way of their focus on the comeback, but the leader of Monsta X felt sad because they simply didn’t have more time to actually play with new styles with their friend.

They did meet up a couple of times in the end, first to talk, but soon to start experimenting and all three members of Monsta X dance line suddenly felt like going back to their childhood days where dance was the new unknown wonder they were giddy to conquer. In those moments in the studio, working on something not related to the comeback, Hyunwoo had the impression the timing was just right even if they won’t get to the first satisfying result before their usual work comes back to consume every second of their time again. Working on a side project and going through a brand new cycle of learning simply energized all three of them, bringing that old excitement back and somehow giving them more strength.

That wasn’t the end either, as Minwoo shared his plans with Hyojin with them. They kept getting more ideas regarding the project, ways to make it lasting and fun. Finally, they agreed to focus on it more after the comeback period and take time to define the performances they wanted to finally do, as well as figure out Hyojin’s role in them. For the moment they were taking baby steps, working on new technique with Minwoo, as much as their regular schedule allowed them to. Sadly, that wasn’t much.

Thinking about their dance project would inevitably bring thoughts of Kihyun into Hyunwoo’s mind. After the night when he broke down and finally admitted how he felt the leader of Monsta X made sure to start paying more attention, subtly shifting focus on the main vocalist whenever they would spend time together. Kihyun seemed to be fine, or at least much better. They sank into their usual routine. They both naturally got busier and couldn’t spend a lot of time together, but the brief moments they actually did were warm and enough to work as another dose of energizer for Hyunwoo.

The words Kihyun uttered that night still hurt, though. The leader knew he wasn’t very skillful in showing his feelings, but he was also convinced that Kihyun knew just how much he meant to him. Up until that night. He couldn’t erase the image of his small Ki trembling in his arms, sounding so vulnerable and scared of something Hyunwoo considered impossible. There was not much he could do except hold him tight and try his best to reassure him there was no way for those fears to come true, silently promising to himself to show it to Kihyun as much as he can in the future.

The joint fan meeting he had scheduled now was the one with Hoseok and them spending a lot of time together already made it easier to plan. There was one thing they felt comfortable doing together, beside eating, and that was working out. Of course, they weren’t sure how many of their new friends would actually be up for it, but it was something they haven’t done before with fans, so to both of them it seemed like an interesting thing to at least try. Hyunwoo also found certain comfort in the fact that Kihyun’s and Minhyuk’s fan meeting was scheduled at the same time, in the room next to Hoseok’s. They might not hold the meeting together, but at least they could have some time for themselves after it.

“It’s really cool that you’re doing something together,” Hajoon said, taking a sip of his coffee as he looked from Minwoo to Hyojin. Half an hour earlier, when he stopped to grab his coffee, he wasn’t expecting to run into the pair of dancers, even though it was the coffee shop Hyojin loved so much. He noticed them as soon as he ordered his drink and already decided not to interrupt their meeting, but Minwoo noticed him almost instantly.

“Hyojin has some really cool ideas, so it’s working very well so far,” the older man smiled. “We’ve both been very busy, I was kind of worried if we would find time, but I’m glad we did.”

“How is the project going?” Hajoon asked then. “Are you a part of it too, Hyojin-ah?”

“Well, not really at the moment,” the ballerina replied.

“We want to include her, but at the moment it’s really hard for us to meet up,” Minwoo explained. “We will have to wait until the comeback time is over.”

“Ah, yeah, that makes sense,” the younger boy nodded. “Looks like your little dreams are coming true, Jin-ah,” he added, chuckling slightly. “Dancing with all the people you admire and all that.”

“Yah… I’m working on my dreams constantly,” she blushed at his words. “But okay, I guess I can’t deny that.”

“You really wanted to dance with me, then?” Minwoo smiled, slightly amused by her getting shy again.

“I wasn’t lying when I said I was a fan,” Hyojin replied, looking over at her childhood friend, slightly worried he will say something more embarrassing. Hajoon, however, had no such plans. “How is girlfriend searching going?” she teased, changing the subject and getting a “don’t think I won’t say something you wouldn’t like” look before Hajoon replied.

“I’m not searching for one.”

“Just don’t forget to bring her to the performance. I need to approve,” she continued teasing. Hajoon scoffed and shook his head as Minwoo watched both of them, clearly amused.

“Do you dance, Hajoon-ah?” he then asked.

“No,” Hajoon chuckled at the question.

“He’s not a bad dancer, actually,” Hyojin added. “I made him dance with me when we were younger. There is a potential,” she nodded.

“What potential? I don’t dance,” he laughed. “I mean, I can, but I was never particularly interested in it. I’m happy with just watching.”

“Girls like guys who dance well,” Minwoo pointed out.

“Talking from experience?” Hajoon teased him now.

“Well… yes,” the older man admitted, laughing, then turned to Hyojin. “Am I wrong, though?”

“You are asking a fellow dancer, so my opinion might not count,” the long-haired girl chuckled a bit too. “But I’m pretty sure a lot of girls like it, yes,” she looked back at Hajoon. “I’m not worried about you. You just need confidence.”

Her best friend raised his cup to finish his coffee and hide a small smile behind it.

Yoonhee worked fast, sketching her friends trying out exercising with Hoseok and Hyunwoo and trying to ignore two of her friends who glued themselves to both of her shoulders, watching her work.

“I’m used to Woohee becoming a part of my right arm, but now you too?” she glanced at Taeil, feeling like she adopted two kids.

“Sorry noona… do you mind?” the younger boy apologetically looked at her and she sighed.

“No,” she replied, continuing to draw. “It’s alright.” A moment later she added, “I didn’t think Dongha would look that good while exercising though.”

Taeil looked from the sketch up to his crush, blushing lightly as he took in the sight of the older man.

“Taeil-ah,” Hoseok suddenly called him. “Come here. We’re all trying something new out, come on.”

“Excercising and me don’t really work well, hyung,” his fellow composer replied timidly. “And I don’t have a spare shirt anyway.”

“I have one,” the singer replied. “I’m not letting you go.”

“Fine,” Taeil frowned, standing up and moving to the rest of the group, but pausing to glare at his hyung at his next words.

“Dongha-yah, you should help him.”

Having Sunshiners and Savages in the same place at the same time didn’t seem like a very good idea to Kihyun. If Minhyuk’s fans were as wild as he expected them to be then he was sure the fan meeting will turn into an intense battle. Keeping that in mind he found Minhyuk’s idea of getting a noraebang machine not bad at all. If they were going to be loud and crazy then at least they could do it while singing their hearts out.

Things went better than he expected in the end. Of course his best friend’s fans were balls of loud energy, even though Kihyun had an impression it was mainly Minhyuk’s fault as he hyped them up without a break. He didn’t expect to see his little Savages blend into that playful crowd so well, seemingly having the time of their lives. After the first hour of wild singing and joyful laughter he wasn’t sure if the duration of their fan meeting will be enough for any of them.

Walking over to the table to grab some water and move the food around he smiled to himself, realizing doing a joint fan meeting with Minhyuk was a great idea. He missed spending time with Minhyuk as much as he missed spending it with Hyunwoo. But busy life was something they were all used to, after all.

He watched his best friend now, singing an old ballad together with Sangwook. Minhyuk looked really happy, much more than he showed it at home and it simply warmed Kihyun’s heart. There was a spark in the slightly older man’s eyes whenever he would look at his friends, but his gaze would especially linger on the boy he harmonized with right now. Kihyun tilted his head slightly in wonder, recalling Minhyuk mentioning getting closer to the young sociologist and suddenly finding it slightly weird how his usually chatty best friend didn’t really talk much about his Sunshiners. Not after that first fan meeting. He could clearly see some sort of special bond between Sangwook and him now and, as much as it made him happy for his best friend it also made another tiny worry sneak into his heart.

“This was a really fun idea,” Soojin said to him as he turned around to watch the rest of the group sing and dance more.

“I agree,” Kihyun replied, happily smiling. “It’s great seeing you have so much fun.”

“We have fun when it’s just us Savages with you, too,” she added, turning to him and he looked at her.

“Ah… thanks,” he said, not knowing how else to respond.

“Don’t think we’re not enjoying it,” she gave him a warm smile. “We know you probably worry about it.”

“I…” that surprised him. “I guess that’s what I usually do.”

“We should work on that too then,” Soojin chuckled. “We love spending time with you. You should never forget that.”

Kihyun smiled as a memory of that night with Hyunwoo flashed in his mind. He won’t be left behind.

Two hours later they were already packing up their things when the voices could be heard from the hallway. Minhyuk’s girls moved to peek out of the door as Kihyun looked in the direction of it, wondering what the fuss was about.

“Showho fanmeeting must be over,” his best friend commented, putting his bottle of water in his backpack and getting out his sweatshirt instead.

“But what’s with them?” the main vocalist of Monsta X motioned to the girls pushing each other slightly to take a better look.

“Hyunwoo oppa’s boys are popular,” Eunha replied, coming over to Kihyun. “Dongha is good looking too.”

“Ah…” Kihyun nodded in understanding, finding it funny how their own fans basically decided to ditch them just like that.

Minhyuk chuckled as he closed his backpack and looked up, his gaze landing on Jaejin and Sangwook. The makeup artist sighed, not paying attention to anyone else but his best friend who was focused on the girls by the door, with a somewhat sad expression. The singer walked over to them, sitting down and trying to figure out what was bothering the young fashion designer.

“It’s Nari,” Sangwook said quietly, understanding what caught Minhyuk’s attention. Then he nudged Jaejin slightly. “Come on, we should go too.”

Minhyuk looked at Nari, his beautiful friend turned into a shyly blushing fangirl as she looked outside, up until Kihyun reached from behind her and fully opened the door. The poor girl instinctively took a step back as she came face to face with Hajoon.

“Hajoon… hi,” she quickly bowed a bit, turning bright red.

“Hi,” the future doctor replied, not expecting her to address him and then looked at Kihyun. “Hi Kihyun hyung,” he offered a beautiful smile to the main vocalist.

“Hey Hajoon-ah,” Kihyun replied cheerfully, then walked out of the room to greet the rest of the people in the hallway too.

Minhyuk watched Nari come back to grab her things instead as Sangwook and Jaejin busied themselves with their bags and they all moved to leave the room. Catching up with them he closed the door behind himself and put his hand on Sangwook’s arm, grabbing his attention.

“Do you have time?” he asked. The younger man looked back at Jaejin who just nodded at him.

“Yeah, sure,” came the reply and Minhyuk looked back at his bandmates, noticing only a couple of other people stayed behind. Hoseok and Taeil were quietly talking a bit further away and he could see his hyung brightly smiling at the smaller composer before he ruffled his hair. Kihyun and Hyunwoo were saying their goodbyes to the last couple of fans. He turned back to his Sunshiners as well, saying goodbye until Sangwook and him were left standing alone.

“Ready to go home?” Hyunwoo asked in time with Hoseok joining them as well.

“You guys go ahead. I need to talk to Sangwook about something first,” Minhyuk smiled.

“Okay. Will you be late?” the leader asked him as they all entered the elevator, on their way out of the building.

“I’ll be there for dinner,” the younger man replied and waved once they were all out and his bandmates got into the car to go home. Smiling, he turned to Sangwook, “Let’s grab a coffee and take a walk.”

When he asked Sangwook to spend a bit of extra time with him Minhyuk didn’t imagine he would enjoy sitting in a small park near one of the colorful, busy streets where they got their coffee so much. But that’s where they ended up on that warm April evening, with sun setting and spring breeze gently ruffling the singer’s uncovered hair. He didn’t wear any of his usual items for disguise and he didn’t seem to need them either. They did run into a couple of fans in the coffee shop, but once they walked further and reached the park they were met with peace and quiet, with only a couple of people walking around and minding their own business.

“It’s already gotten so warm,” Minhyuk said, looking up at the sky and smiling at the warm color. He let himself relax and cherish the moment, suddenly missing doing something as simple as inhaling the spring air, watching the sky and listening to the faint noises of people and traffic in the distance. “I feel like I needed a breather and I didn’t know it.”

“It’s hectic again, right?” Sangwook replied, watching him instead of the sky.

“Look up. The colors are amazing,” the singer waited for him to do so before he continued. “Of course, we still have a lot of things to finish before comeback… and you know how comeback goes.”

“And you just want to look at the sky,” the makeup artist smiled.

“Exactly,” Minhyuk cheerfully laughed, feeling recharged with each second passing. After a moment he got serious again. “Is Jaejin okay?”

“Because of Nari? It’s been a long time. I’d say he’s used to it,” Sangwook replied. “Like a fool. Pining sucks.”

“Why didn’t he try getting closer to her?”

“Because it takes courage. And he thinks he can’t compare with Hajoon.”

“Jaejin is not lacking anything. Besides, Hajoon is not even interested in her. And what courage? Becoming friends is not that hard,” Minhyuk looked up at the sky again.

“He really likes her, Min,” the makeup artist replied. “It’s not always so simple.”

“I know,” the singer quietly replied, thinking about it. “I’d choose Jaejin over Hajoon though,” he added pointedly. Sangwook didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“Min… are you gay?” the question made him look over at his friend again, thinking what he should reply for a moment.

“I hope you don’t normally just ask people about their sexuality like that,” he chuckled, meeting Sangwook’s gaze as the younger man seemed to wait for some sort of an answer. “Yes, I am… Does it matter?”

“How does that work?” the sociologist asked next.

“What exactly?” Minhyuk looked at him in confusion.

“Being a gay idol.”

“How do you think it works in this society? It doesn’t,” he sighed, leaning back against the bench and looking up again. The moon could be clearly seen now that the sun completely disappeared. “We simply don’t date. Sometimes… some of us have ways to unwind without being in a relationship. Having a scandal like that is basically a death sentence to one’s career.”

“It must be lonely,” Sangwook whispered.

“I have my family,” Minhyuk smiled. “We’re in this together.”

“Are they also…?”

“Yeah… or bi,” Minhyuk nodded, looking back at him. “If your next question is going to be what I think it might be, no, I’m not sleeping with any of them.”

Sangwook laughed, shaking his head.

“I wasn’t planning to have this kind of conversation with you.”

“You started it. This is not why I wanted to grab a coffee with you!” the older man laughed as well.

“Why did you then?” the handsome boy watched him with a big smile.

“To ask you how you’ll paint your face tonight,” Minhyuk’s eyes sparkled brighter than the shy stars shining above them.

“In the colors of the sky.”


	24. Universe without a name

Hyunjae stared at his phone, smiling as he read the messages he exchanged with the person he least expected would contact him. Kijoon’s greeting message sounded strangely shy compared to the small smirk that would usually meet him in person. It was a simple explanation how he got his phone number, followed by a short, but meaningful sentence that colored the younger artist’s cheeks in a light shade of red.

_I really like your art._

He wasn’t expecting Kijoon would start the conversation and especially not the praise. Hyunjae fought the urge to use stan twitter language – keyboard smashing was out of the question, but he wasn’t sure how to tell the older boy that he was actually in love with his art and at the same time not wanting to overdo it. Then he remembered that annoying, teasing smirk that succeeded in making him feel small every time and decided to just thank him instead.

_There is a Ghibli exhibition at Sejong Center again. Would you like to go?_

_Aren’t you going with Jinki hyung?_

Hyunjae pressed “send” without rethinking the message he wrote and bit his lip. He usually communicated much easier over the text than in person, but now he regretted not being more careful with choosing his words.

_He went without me._

The younger artist found that pretty impossible. He dragged Taeil to all the exhibitions his best friend wanted and didn’t want to go to, after all.

_I actually saw it already as well._

It was his time to smirk, waiting for a reply to that, but when a long moment passed without Kijoon saying anything he decided to give in.

_But I don’t mind going again._

That’s how he ended up here, in front of Sejong center, watching approaching Kijoon offering him a real smile this time. It was good to know the older artist didn’t forget how to actually smile.

“Am I late?” he asked, glancing at his watch as he stopped in front of Hyunjae.

“No, I just got here too,” he replied, smiling a bit as well. “Let’s go, you’ll love this,” he added as they moved to go in.

“Thanks for coming with me,” Kijoon said. “Especially since you already saw it.”

“I don’t say no to Ghibli,” Hyunjae smiled, then eyed him. “But, I find Jinki hyung going without you unbelievable.”

The older boy paused, looking back at him and then chuckled.

“Okay… I might have wanted to go with you.”

Hyunjae chuckled too, slightly surprised by him admitting it so easily and then started walking around the exhibition with him.

“Are you surprised?” Kijoon asked, admiring the pieces at the same time.

“Since the moment you texted me,” the younger boy replied.

“Why?”

“I just didn’t expect it,” he shrugged. “You usually have that “I’m better than you” smirk of yours when you see me, so…” he looked back at him. “I mean… you didn’t seem all that friendly.”

“That’s the impression you have of me?” Kijoon stopped, looking back at him too. Hyunjae blushed a bit as that wasn’t entirely true. Even if the older artist gave away that kind of vibe towards him when they would meet it never overweighed pure admiration Hyunjae felt towards his art.

There was a time when he felt something more, considered it a crush. It was when he first connected the amazing art to the face he saw at the fan meeting Taeil took him to. Back then, Kijoon didn’t notice a new face in the crowd, didn’t pay any attention to him and Hyunjae could look at him properly, savoring some of his sharp facial features, prominent cheekbones and straight nose paired with the lively spark in his dark eyes as the artist interacted with his friends. Back then, knowing that the boy in front of him created all those amazing drawings he secretly stored in his phone was enough for the younger artist to like him.

As the time passed and Kijoon started noticing him and acknowledging him as a fellow artist the glances and the smirks came into the picture as well. At first they made Hyunjae giddy, but then started making him uncomfortable and, eventually, annoyed. So he tried his best to ignore them, not liking the image of arrogance they painted on Kijoon’s features – up until their last encounter, at Hyungwon’s fan meeting almost three weeks ago. His favorite artist was openly teasing him, daring him to come out of his usual bashful shell and proudly present what he was made of. Hyunjae decided to accept the challenge.

Kijoon’s question made him embarrassed, yes, but staying true to the challenge meant speaking up. He stayed silent, but looked at the older boy openly, as if expecting a reply instead.

“You make me want to buy you a cookie,” his favorite artist laughed again as he understood.

“I prefer chocolate cake,” Hyunjae commented, moving his gaze to the exhibition once again.

Hoseok was grateful for the busy schedule leading up to their comeback simply because it took his mind off the uncomfortable thoughts visiting him from time to time. They would usually still come back to him late in the night, when he was too tired to sleep and needed quite a bit of time to relax. Watching Hyungwon’s sleeping face only fueled them, dragging him further away from reaching the same peace. They were taboo, or at least that’s what Hoseok saw them as. They were never subject of talks, never discussed or commented on and the singer liked keeping them dormant. Yet, Changkyun touched them, successfully waking them up with the lightest push. 

It was an old story of attraction, lust, admiration and love. It was the reality he lived in for years, the one circling around Hyungwon, his best friend being the ruler of the universe they created together. The universe without a clear tag, going by the fake name - a disguise that Hoseok felt didn’t suit it. Fake name served to hide it from the prying eyes, made to keep them safe. The secret behind the forbidden thoughts was that Hoseok never felt truly safe within it, only given fractions of comfort in the fleeting moments of intimacy shared with his best friend.

They weren’t in a relationship. That was the fact that he couldn’t deny – not in those dark nights when everyone but him was asleep, the quiet tranquility surrounding him torturously feeding his insecurities and making him lose control over those thoughts he tried to run away from. The whole world was calm and he was left alone, grasping the universe without a name and desperately watching it slip through his fingers into nothingness.

How could something without a name exist? How could it be anything else but a fragment of his imagination? But the feelings were there, echoing in gazes, touches, words. And Hyungwon didn’t need the name. He didn’t need the acknowledgement, the reassurance. In the darkness, Hoseok wondered if, at the end of it all, he needed him.

He was too afraid to find out.

“This is amazing, I want to stay here,” Hoseok sighed, closing his eyes for a moment as he laid down in the resting area of room 35. Hyungwon’s soft chuckle made him smile and he looked over at his best friend moving things around the room, preparing for their joint fan meeting.

“Can I sneak into your meetings and just stay?” he asked.

“It’s not sneaking in if you announce it beforehand,” Hyungwon glanced at him playfully.

“Can I just be your fan?” Hoseok asked next, watching the tall dancer come over and sit down beside him.

“I thought you already are,” he chuckled again, laying down too and then looking at the older man turning towards him and leaning in for a kiss. “Someone will come…”

“It’s still early,” Hoseok whispered, sliding his hand along Hyungwon’s waist and kissing him properly, smiling against the plump lips as the younger man pulled him closer. They kissed slowly, lazily, making up for days when the lack of time kept them from just enjoying each other like this. After a while, Hyungwon broke the kiss, looking up at him.

“I wanted to ask you…” he started seriously. “Can you be less obvious? In front of our fans?”

“But they’re our friends now,” Hoseok moved away and watched him, not liking when he was asked to be careful about his behavior. It always made him feel like he was pretending.

“That doesn’t mean they have to know we’re…” Hyungwon trailed off, hesitating.

“We’re what? Friends with benefits?” the older singer asked a bit more harshly than he intended. “Yes, that is definitely not the image we want to sell, isn’t it?” he bitterly added.

“What is wrong with you today, Hoseok?” his lover asked, sitting up and looking at him carefully.

“Nothing is wrong with me, just…” Hoseok let out a deep sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. “I don’t like pretending in front of people that are close to me. They are friends now.”

“Yes, I know,” the younger man nodded, softly sighing as well. “I’m sorry… but you know we can’t do that,” he added quietly, keeping his eyes on his best friend and feeling the dull pain behind the glimpse of vulnerability before the soft gaze only shifted into the magnetic warmth, pulling him in until they met each other in another kiss.

“Don’t go to the studio tonight,” Hyungwon whispered in between kisses, laying down again and hugging Hoseok tightly, trying to keep the warmth closer for longer. They both kept missing it.

“I won’t,” the composer confirmed, tenderly taking Hyungwon’s lower lip in between his own and basking in the feeling of Hyungwon’s long limbs wrapping around him once again – until the knock on the door forced them to quickly pull apart.

“Come in!” Hyungwon sat up and he did as well, smiling at the sight of their fans.

“You thought exercising is a good idea?” the model-like dancer eyed his best friend as he listened to Ramyunatics’ impressions from the last fan meeting with Hyunwoo and his little group of friends.

“We had fun, didn’t we?” Hoseok tried to defend himself, looking around at his friends.

“It was an interesting experience,” Minah offered, chuckling lightly.

“I drew them, that was fun,” Yoonhee smiled as Woohee nodded in approval.

“I can’t believe Taeil exercised, though,” Hyunjae laughed, poking his best friend’s thin arms.

“I’m stronger than I look…” the maknae of the group pouted. It was true, despite his appearance, his noodle-looking arms were much stronger, his muscles subtly defined, thanks to the years spent playing cello and piano.

“He did great. Too bad you didn’t see it,” Dongha smiled, looking at Hyunjae and then shifting his gaze to Taeil. “We can always exercise together if you want to,” he hesitantly offered.

“I-I’m fine, thank you,” the young musician blushed, scared at the prospect of going through another close encounter with gym equipment, especially with Dongha around.

“I can’t believe I actually agreed to exercise… I’m usually a couch potato unless I’m traveling,” Sunmi laughed. “It was harder than walking around the whole island of Jeju!”

“Ah yes, how was Jeju?” Yewon asked. “Did you get to try out the restaurants I sent to you?”

“We went to two of them,” Songhee nodded. “That was some heavenly food, thanks Yewon-ah.”

“I think we loved the food that much because we did have an extremely active trip,” Minah admitted. “But you are right, Sunmi-yah, the exercising was harder,” she teasingly grinned at Hoseok.

“Show us the photos!” the composer demanded excitedly, waiting for Songhee’s phone to start circling around.

“We sent you some…” Sunmi laughed.

“I want to see more,” he pouted, nudging Hyungwon to support him.

“I want to see too,” the younger singer quickly agreed, leaning over to Songhee, peeking at her phone as she searched for her Jeju folder.

“I’ll show you, wait a second,” the petite girl laughed, finally opening what she was looking for and handing her phone over to Hyungwon and Hoseok.

“You’re really like a pair of kids sometimes,” Sunmi shook her head, watching the two idols look at the photos together, complimenting them and then softly complaining about wanting to go on a vacation as well.

“Maybe some day we will take you with us,” Minah chuckled in reply. Looking at their little group of friends, they realized the idea didn’t actually sound that impossible.

“Taeil-ah…” soft voice responsible for his constantly blushing cheeks made him turn around and watch the older man catch up to him. “Did Hyunjae leave already?” he then looked around, as if expecting to see Taeil’s best friend hiding somewhere nearby.

“Yeah, he had to go,” the musician replied, still not understanding why Dongha stopped him.

“Actually… I…” the programmer nervously started. “I just wanted to tell you that… we don’t have to exercise if you don’t want to…” Taeil watched him curiously, still confused. “We can… we can do something else,” Dongha continued. “If you want to?”

“I…” Taeil widened his eyes in surprise, then quickly fixed his glasses, trying to hide the new rush of excitement that hit him. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Dongha smiled broadly and the younger boy smiled too, already hearing new soft melody playing in his head, telling the new page of his story.

The golden skin of his lover shone under the soft moonlight shyly entering his bedroom, making him look ethereal. Being with Hyungwon always felt like a dream to Hoseok, over and over again. The world was changing with each day passing, their surroundings shifting, everything around them and themselves as well. Everything but that precise moment when there was nothing but the two of them, shedding layers of what they were to the rest of that constantly shifting world and leaving themselves bare in front of each other.

Throughout the years Hoseok learned how to shield himself from others, from those with possible bad intentions, from those who could easily hurt him. It took him a lot of effort and struggles to understand and grasp that necessary skill, his insecurities bruising his delicate soul over and over again until he firmly stood his ground and forced himself to listen to his family – his members, his fans and his own achievements, looking into the mirror to meet the man he grew up to be. Looking at Hyungwon when mirror was insufficient and weak against his forbidden thoughts and nightmares.

His best friend watched him with honesty and admiration, showing him his beauty along with his own and freeing him from the burdens the adulthood brought. That’s how they grew up together in the last couple of years, relying on the mirror hiding in each other’s hearts, reflecting in the gazes, in the touches, in the kisses.

Dreaming together, like this, was everything Hoseok needed. That’s why he missed it so much, that’s why right now, in the middle of the dream he made sure to slow down the time and savour every millisecond. Everything was possible in the dream and controlling the time was of extreme importance. He pressed his lips against Hyungwon’s warm skin, over and over again and watched his gorgeous mirror follow his movements, echo his sounds, breathing in sync with him. To Hoseok, dreaming together held importance that couldn’t be explained nor described. In the darkness without a dream he was afraid of losing it.

They took their time tonight, there was no comeback, no studio, no family, friends or fans waiting for them. Only music, only dance of the two of them, gently following, a part of their sillouethes, always. Hoseok knew that music was real, he used it to fight the forbidden demons of the darkness as he could hear it so clearly. The demons would whisper that it was just an auditory hallucination, but Hoseok didn’t listen. He couldn’t let them win, not when he had his mirror and knew the truth. Following the music he made love to the love of his life, not letting him slip past his fingers and calling their universe by the name he wanted to be true.

After the dream, remnants of it slipped into reality, in the soft touches, kisses and words that lingered and both of them didn’t let go of. Forbidden demons stayed locked away as darkness let Hoseok peacefully sleep next to his mirror.


	25. The timeline of friendship

The main vocalist of Monsta X always got especially excited while preparing for the comeback. The process itself was thrilling to him, the creativity bursting, forming ideas and then polishing them up to the anticipation of the moment they showed the ending result to their Monbebe. It was the prelude to the comeback period, the start of it all and Kihyun enjoyed it as much as performing and meeting fans. They all loved their jobs – they wouldn’t have been able to last if they didn’t give their all into the hard work the industry demanded. However, Kihyun seemed to keep that pure spark of excitement in a way that didn’t really change throughout the years.

Minhyuk’s amused smirk was a natural reaction to the determination and giddiness with which Kihyun walked around the studio, focused on what he was supposed to record. Glancing at the watch, the slightly older singer nodded to himself, pretty sure they will have enough time to grab a coffee and spend some time together before the dance practice. He looked back up when his best friend started singing, working diligently and efficiently. It really didn’t take long for Kihyun to finish, even if he asked for recording a couple of takes again, just in case, being thorough, as always.

“Done!” the shorter vocalist grinned as he walked over to him, taking his bag from standing up Minhyuk.

“I knew we would have time before the practice,” his friend replied as they walked out.

“You finished as well, yeah?” Kihyun asked.

“Yesterday,” he nodded. “Kyun and Honey still have to finish. And Won, of course.”

“I can’t wait to hear Jooheon’s song,” the main vocalist said. “It’s weird that they didn’t let us hear it. I’ve been feeling like I only know a part of the story while recording the rest of the songs.”

“I know,” Minhyuk laughed. “I can’t wait to hear Won singing it too. I’m intrigued even more, you know,” he opened the door to the coffee shop, walking in before turning to look at Kihyun again. “I didn’t hear Changkyun’s song either.”

“I did,” the younger man smiled, walking to the counter and quickly ordering their coffee. “It’s amazing.”

“Wasn’t it supposed to be on his mixtape? He’s even singing it alone,” Minhyuk asked, grabbing their drinks and going to their usual table.

“Its place is on the album, it goes well with the rest,” Kihyun replied. “You’re not getting more spoilers from me, though.”

“Fine…” his best friend chuckled, looking at him. “How are things with Hyunwoo hyung?”

“Good,” he nodded a bit, playing with his straw.

“Ki, you know he values you a lot,” Minhyuk watched him and Kihyun smiled, slightly amused by how serious the older singer looked as he said it.

“I know. I can tell he’s… paying attention,” he replied.

He did notice their leader silently looking out for him more after the talk they had. Well, it was more his breakdown than actual talk and Kihyun wasn’t really happy about showing how much he was tortured by those worries. Still, letting his pillar of strength see his weaknesses seemed to be okay, so he tried his best not to think about it much. When he finally calmed down and took time to think about what was bothering him, he realized that he simply missed spending time with Hyunwoo. Up until then he wasn’t even aware of needing those small moments he shared with their leader, of secretly treasuring them and enjoying them so much. He didn’t need only the support and calmness he believed the older dancer always provided, he simply needed attention and some sort of confirmation that he was needed in return. Kihyun wasn’t sure if that confirmation would come, but Hyunwoo did care, that much he could see now.

“I like seeing you in a better mood now,” Minhyuk smiled, sipping on his coffee and looking out of the window, as if seeking warmth of the spring sun.

“You seem to be in a good mood too,” Kihyun smiled back, watching him.

“I just feel good,” his best friend shrugged, looking back at him. “The comeback excitement, you know that better than me.”

“Okay, fair enough,” the main vocalist crossed his arms, leaning back. “You told me nothing about your Sunshiners.”

“I don’t need to tell you anything,” Minhyuk replied jokingly. “They’re great. But your Savages are too.”

“You seem to be close to Sangwook,” Kihyun continued, trying to read into the older man, to confirm if the feel he got was right.

“Yeah, I am,” Minhyuk nodded. “Why? Jealous?” he grinned and watched Kihyun scoff. “I enjoy talking to him,” he then added, getting that warm glow again.

“That’s… great, Min,” the younger singer said, somewhat hesitantly. “I hope you’re careful, though.”

“Careful of what?” Minhyuk asked, knowing that Kihyun tended to worry a lot.

“Of getting too close,” his best friend still watched him intently.

“We’re friends, Ki,” the older singer smiled, as if trying to get Kihyun to stop worrying over something harmless. “I get close because I want to. He’s interesting and smart and I like spending time with him.”

“And that’s really nice, Min, I’m happy to see you happy,” Kihyun nodded. “I just don’t want you to go too far and get hurt in the end.”

“Sangwook wouldn’t hurt me,” Minhyuk sounded so sure of it and the shorter singer really wanted to believe him.

“I’m not saying that only because of Sangwook,” he quickly said. “I’m saying that because of you too. And everyone around,” he added, more quietly, as if suddenly becoming aware that they were in public. Minhyuk bit his lip, watching him and Kihyun realized his warning might have come a bit too late.

“Do you think this is too much?” Hyunwoo turned to meet Kihyun’s gaze, then looked at the portable stove and various ingredients covering a big part of the table in room 34.

“I think they’ll be happy to eat your food,” the leader replied, smiling warmly at him. “You cook for them all the time though. This will be my first time actually making something for Showcubs. They only made food for me before.”

“You’re right, it’s going to be fun,” Kihyun agreed, checking once again if they had everything they needed as Hyunwoo moved to start making rice. “How is it now? Do you feel more comfortable?”

“Yeah, I got to know them better. I think they’re happy I relaxed,” the dancer chuckled. “You’ll see… and you?”

“I’ve always…” the main singer started, but then stopped, knowing it would be a lie. He was still rather reserved towards his fans, at least compared to some other members of Monsta X. “I think I’m better than I was in the beginning.”

“Still not completely open?” Hyunwoo chuckled.

“I’m not Hoseok hyung… or Min,” Kihyun laughed.

“You don’t need to be. You’re you.” The way he said it made the shorter singer look over, smiling slightly at the way those simple words reassured him.

“You’re right.”

“Are we cooking today?” Soojin said as the entire group of Savages appeared on the door.

“The two of us are,” Kihyun replied, motioning between him and Hyunwoo. “You’re enjoying the feast.”

“So domestic…” Ara teased as the girls moved closer to the table to look.

“Ki is a great cook,” Hyunwoo nodded and Soojin could see Kihyun beam at the praise. “How have you guys been?”

“Great. As usual,” Eunha replied.

“You should have seen them singing and dancing at the fan meeting with Sunshiners,” Kihyun laughed. “I couldn’t recognize them, it was like Min possessed them.”

“Really?” the leader laughed, looking back at the girls in front of him.

“We know how to party too,” Soojin playfully glared at her friend. “And you enjoyed it too.”

“I enjoyed watching you more, to be honest,” Kihyun laughed again as Heera moved closer to him, curiously looking at all the food.

“What are you going to make?”

“Yukgaejang,” the main vocalist replied. “We can’t grill meat here, so we’re also going to order some chicken later.”

“That’s really going to be a feast then,” Doona chuckled as Hyojin, Seulgi and Hajoon walked into the room as well.

“Hey guys,” Hyunwoo greeted them. “We wanted to treat you since this is the last fan meeting before the comeback.”

“Ah right,” Ara nodded. “We should all eat well then.”

Kihyun nodded, starting preparing the food together with his bandmate, the cheerful chatting continuing as the rest of the group gathered.

After the tasty meal the main vocalist of Monsta X, successfully being stopped from cleaning up immediately by Hyunwoo’s gentle hands, sat down next to Minwoo.

“How is teaching the dance line like?” he asked, offering a warm smile, deciding to actually get to know the younger man.

“I think we all enjoy it a lot,” the dancer smiled back. “It’s different, I’m used to working with ballet dancers, usually. I’m learning a lot too.” Kihyun nodded, listening. “We’re doing some basics now. After the comeback we’ll decide what exactly we will do… I would actually like to make a choreography together with Hyojin,” Minwoo smiled, looking over at the girl who was also listening to their conversation.

“Really? You will join them, Hyojin-ah?” the singer asked, looking at her too.

“It was sunbae’s idea,” Hyojin said. “I would love to be a part of it, so I guess we’re doing it.”

“I’m really interested to see how it will turn out in the end,” Kihyun smiled again. “I bet it’s going to be beautiful,” he added, looking over at Hyunwoo, finding him smiling warmly back at him before he turned back to his own conversation with Kihyun’s Savages.

Eunha silently walked with her two friends, listening to their impressions after the fan meeting and leading them to the nearby park, wanting to enjoy the fresh spring evening outside. The meeting was completely different from the one with Minhyuk and Sunshiners, fun in a cozy, comfortable way and she was happy she got to know both Hyunwoo and his Showcubs better.

“It was really fun talking to Hyunwoo oppa. I didn’t get to ineract with him much before. Ah, I’m so full…” Ara frowned, practically throwing herself on one of the benches. “That was so delicious… oppa is really a great cook.”

“Did you see Hyunwoo oppa being so sweet and caring towards Ki, though?” Soojin asked.

“I don’t know, I find that normal. Isn’t he like that usually?” the other girl shrugged.

“I usually find him shy and awkward, I guess,” her friend replied. “He was so relaxed with both his fans and Kihyun, though. It felt like being with family.”

“They are a family, Soojin-ah,” Ara pointed out.

“I mean, I felt like we’re all a part of that family,” she explained better. “And I don’t think Ki looks at all the members the way he looks at Hyunwoo oppa,” she added, thinking about it.

“Oh god, don’t be a delusional shipper,” the younger girl laughed. “Really, why are you trying to see something more there?”

“I just think there is something there,” Soojin crossed her arms, thinking about it. Eunha looked over at her friend. “And I don’t know… I know Ki is still reserved towards us and maybe that will never change, but I just… I wish it does.”

“Just let him be. If he wants to open up, he will,” Ara sighed. “Do you think he doesn’t trust us?”

“Maybe…” her friend quietly replied. It hurt a tiny bit, even though it was understandable. They’ve been feeling it for a while now, but Eunha wondered if it hurt a tiny bit more now, after the joint fan meetings and getting the glimpse of other members’ relationships with their fans. But every member of Monsta X was different and their Ki just happened to keep things to himself. They had to accept it, crossing the border from being a fan to being a friend was harder than they imagined.

“You’re so quiet, Eunha-yah,” Ara looked at her. “What are you thinking?”

“That Soojin is right.”

The sound of Hoseok’s laughter as Changkyun told him something funny made Kihyun smile against the rim of his cup of tea, before he took a sip and continued enjoying the warm evening. He was sitting on their small balcony, their little relaxing place that, sadly, couldn’t take more than two visitors at the same time.

“Counting stars?” Hyunwoo’s head appeared at the door, before the leader joined him, sitting next to him.

“Not quite. But I appreciate the choice,” Kihyun motioned up and down. The truth was that he liked looking down, at the passing people. They were high up enough for the people down there to not be able to recognize them clearly, yet he never found anyone looking up in the first place. People rarely had time to admire the sky. Some liked watching others, like him.

“I really enjoyed our meeting today,” his bandmate said after a moment of silence, looking down at the not-so-busy street as well.

“I liked it too,” the main vocalist smiled, nodding slightly. “Eating together and talking with everyone felt… like we haven’t left the dorm.” It felt like being with family, but for some reason Kihyun chose different words.

“I wanted to thank you, Ki,” he could feel the soft touch of Hyunwoo’s hand on his and he looked up at him, not entirely understanding what he deserved to be thanked for. “For supporting us.”

“You mean, me talking to Minwoo about the project?” Kihyun asked. “Of course I’m interested to know about it. That night… I said things I didn’t truly mean to.” Hyunwoo nodded, knowing that already. “You were right. I was jealous of other people spending time with you,” he could feel his friend squeeze his hand.

“No one will ever be more important than you,” the leader’s voice was firm, but warm as he leaned slightly closer, looking at him seriously. “We are a family. I… it was painful seeing you doubt that,” he whispered, looking down.

“I’m sorry,” Kihyun whispered, watching him.

“You don’t know how much you mean to me.” It was unusual seeing Hyunwoo talk about feelings like this and the shorter singer kept his eyes on him in wonder and more admiration, the words reaching his ears somehow telling a story of his own heart.

“Do you want to tell me?” he asked hesitantly, waiting for his friend to look back at him, meeting him with a smile.

“I’m bad at this,” the leader leaned back, thinking about it.

“You’re not, you just don’t do it often,” Kihyun replied, intertwining their fingers together. “It’s okay.”

“Is it though?”

“It is,” he nodded. “I know you care.”

“A whole lot,” Hyunwoo confirmed.

“A whole lot,” Kihyun repeated. “That’s all I needed to know.”

The dancer looked at, to him, the most important person in his little Monsta X family, feeling slightly sad that he needed the confirmation. Sometimes, the words needed to be let out, sometimes reassurance was needed. Kihyun was brave enough to ask for it.

So, Hyunwoo slowly started talking, about random situations dearly stuck in his brain, like memories caught on small polaroids and carefully arranged to form the timeline of their friendship. He talked about the warm food and warmer hugs, about the soothing voice and gentle gaze, about the comforting touch and unspoken thoughts he could somehow understand.

He talked about his precious Ki to his precious Ki and smiled so broadly. The warmth seeped into his hand as Kihyun held onto it as strongly as he held onto all those memories. And he watched him in wonder, finding the tears in his eyes equally precious.


End file.
